Awww Bless, Yeti Link Of The Day...
http://www.unmuseum.org/yeti.htm
Some more quaint Yeti theories... We, of course know the truth...
Dear Readers...
Shy Yeti here again - filling in for Simon - and it's a very busy post today... There has been little new information on Simon since late on last week - we believe him to be in hiding... The Police are still trying to track him down and there is a possibility that they have a lead to where he may be. If any other tapes have been sent it is possible that they have been caught up in London's postal strikes... All the same, I can confirm that we do have the transcript of the tape Simon sent last week - but first - whilst I put some finishing touches to these - there is some other business I'd like to get out of the way...
Firstly we received a correction from Mr Ceri Laing who sent in questions for Simon just before his disappearance... With Simon not being here I'll do my best to add any comments if I can help at all...
Hi Simon,
Thanks for responding to my questions, but I have to point out your memory is getting a little confused as regards The Adventure Game. (Quite understandable - it was a long time ago!)
In response to my question, you responded thus:
>2. Does Simon like talking teapots as well?
I presume you are referring to the talking tea pot that used to appear on The Adventure Game. Well - no - I must admit - I knew that tea pot and actually it wasn't an alien at all - but an small fellow called Martin who used to sell double glazing - who would climb into the teapot before every show and mumble his lines and spout out hot steam everywhere. (Cos it was hot in there, doncha know!)<
You are right about the teapot being placed by a small fellow, but his name was actually Kenny! or Kenny Baker to give him his full name. He is a well established actor, in fact he starred in one of my favourite films - Time Bandits (a must see film for all Terry Gilliam and Telefantasy fans). He also plays R2-D2 in the Star Wars films and as you went on to talk about
this in the rest of the update I felt it was important to point this out to you.
Maybe you knew a Martin who sold double glazing at some point perhaps?
Ceri ;)
Ahhhh... Ceri, now I'm glad I got to this before Simon did... I can say this with him not here and all... For some reason, when Simon can't remember people's names he calls them "Martin..." I'm not sure WHY, quite - but he does... Actually now I think back - Simon's Sherbet Fountain supplier was called Mart - so that might explain quite a lot!
Apologies to Kenny Baker - a dear, dear friend to Simon in the past... No offence meant... I'm sure when Simon is back in regular contact he will regail us all further with his stories of filling R2-D2's socks with itching powder during the filming of Jedi! Thanks for writing in Ceri...
Now... Onto other matters - and this weekends highly enjoyable (in places) Panopticon : 40th Anniversary Dr Who convention. Of course Simon was to have been at the Awards Ceremony and would have presented the whole shebang - but Mr Mark Gatiss stepped in at the last minute and did an admirable job. The 60s panel which included stars, directors and writers involved in the show during that decade was noticeably quiet due to Simon's absence - but Carole Anne Ford did very well - although her original plans to dress up and pretend to BE Simon were thankfully scrapped. Mention was made of Simon during the usual "Bestest Villain Ever..." award - where he came second to Evelyn the Cybermat who collected her award and yet made a few tear-enducing click-clicking noises in memory of Simon... Simon is usually a very vocal double act with Mr Michael Sheard during the disco - but of course this year Michael had to abandon his usual Grease Megamix duet with Simon in favour of his Mr Bronsontastic "School's Out..." crowd-pleaser...
Mr Stephen Wood, who has contributed to this site before posted up a gorgeous review of events on yahoo group The Mary Tamm Appreciation Society... The post relates to events from the first day and I am pleased to reproduce it here, with his blessing.
Hi everyone - Anthony, Paul and I are just getting ready to launch ourselves back upon the heady world of Doctor Who fandom and thought we'd give you a quick update so far.
The biggest events to date have been the (I think) first convention appearance of Paul McGann - he was at first nervous but quickly relaxed (India Fisher came on stage to keep him company) and it was overwhelming to see how enthusiastic he is about the show, saying he would take the role again if it was available and committed himself to Big Finish for the future. He seemed taken aback by the standing ovations, as did Verity Lambert later in the day, as it was also her first convention experience. Brought a misty eye to us all.
The other cool thing was an unseen trailer for Power of the Daleks, lasting only a few spooky moments as the Doctor edges into the darkened Dalek capsule and introduces Polly and Ben to dust shrouded Daleks. :-) Oh, and a preview of what looks like a small comedy show extra for the future Pyramids of Mars DVD!
Stephen x
Many of the guests were great fun - on both days - but as Stephen went on to detail - the organisation of the convention itself was far from ideal...
I was there myself on both days - although due to the continuing situation with Simon I wasn't able to be there for everything. I did, however get the opportunity to share a cheese salad baguette with Paul and Verity and reassured them that the adoration they had received during the day was quite-quite genuine. Verity had previously directed Simon in something gorgeous during the 70s and I believe Paul and Simon shared managers for a while - a long time before our association.
Sunday's event included a welcome panel with Liz Sladen (Sarah Jane Smith) and Louise Jameson (Leela), also Nicola Bryant (Peri) and Sophie Aldred (Ace) as well as writers and script writers. There was also a preview of the first two episodes of BBCi's Dr Who - Scream of the Shalka....
See http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/news/drwho/2003/10/31/7723.shtml
(including sampled grrrrrs from Simon, rumour has it), which was very enthusiastically received at the end of Sunday's proceedings. There was much discussion but no firm news about the new series due in 2005.
Any further reviews of the days are welcome to post to me
Finally though - the moment you have probably been waiting for... The missing days...
*COMPILED FROM SIMON'S AUDIO DIARY : TUES 28-WED 29TH OCTOBER 2003*
Simon: I am out in the garden and Fee is beckoning to me... She is surrounded by flame and yet does not appear to be burning... She has been speaking in my mind - but now she is speaking aloud to me...
Fee: I am sorry I have not explained this all to you... I was hoping to have done so but my existance is being threatened... Please do not be afraid... I am not here to hurt you...
Simon: What about the fire in the the flat - the cinema...
Fee: A mistake... A mistake... I am finding it very hard to contain my fire as you can see...
Simon: I DO see - you're scoulding the lawn, dear... I really don't understand what is going on... Your friend Pyre is extremely eager to speak with you...
Fee: He is coming here?
Simon: Supposedly... Yes...
Fee: Come - we must go Simon... You have the eggs I see - we must leave - go somewhere to safety and then I can explain...
Simon: But Fee... My fur - it's only just been washed - I can't get it all dirty again - and I haven't got my best pants on...
*TAPE CLICKS ** TIME HAS PASSED*
...But she silenced me then... (Somehow!?! There's a first time for everything...)
I went with her... I'm not quite sure where - we seemed to walk through the darkened streets for hours - her fires were dying down again but a fire engine did chase after us at least once when she was in danger of setting fire to a bush...
Eventually we arrived...
I think we're hiding out in an abandoned ice cream van somewhere near Chiswick - at least for now - and by the time you receive this tape we'll have moved on...
I can assure you I am not in danger - at least not from Fee - well not directly...
I dare not ring you but I will try and send you this tape and will endevour to send you a message/email/something soon - but time isn't on our side...
I have learnt the following...
1. Fee is a phoenix. We knew that, but not the full story. The eggs which we have in our possession are phoenix eggs and for them to properly hatch they need to be exposed to fire. Dr Pyre (who is not a good man) originally stole the eggs before they hatched and they have remained dormant.
2. Dr Pyre has been using Fee's natural pyronetic tendencies for his own purposes. He wishes to use Fee as the "match" the kick-start the phoenix eggs into hatching. Just sticking them under the grill on on the bonfire wouldn't work. You need the RIGHT type of fire...
3. Fee escaped with the eggs and hopes to trigger the hatching - but not until she knows she is in a safe environment and Dr Pyre won't be able to get to them...
4. Dr Pyre is able to trace pin-point Fee telepathically, but it takes him some time... However this is the reason she is constantly on the move...
There is much more I need to tell you...
*Fee's voice can be heard...*
Fee: It's not safe here any longer Simon, my dear...
Simon: I have told Fee I will stay with her and help aid the hatching of the birds... I must stop recording now - the tape is nearly full and the enemy is close...
Furry wishes, all...
I have to sign off... There are footsteps outside the van... Someone is coming...
...And that is the last we heard from him - except for the brief posting which appeared here on wednesday morning...
Further developments should we receive them...
Grrrs to you, Simon and Purrrrrs to Fee... Wherever you are...
THERE WILL BE ANOTHER POSTING ON BEHALF OF SIMON, BY SHY YETI TOMORROW... STAY TUNED...
SIMON YETI IS MANAGED BY SHY YETI MANAGEMENT, COPYRIGHT BEECHES 2003.
Friday, October 31, 2003
* MESSAGE POSTED BY SHY YETI *
Halloween links of the day:
http://www.see-london.com/briefhistory_ghosts.asp
Ghosts of London…
http://members.tripod.com/ltkrunch/villWsnowghost.htm
A picture of the Snow Ghost (a kind of Yeti) off Scooby Doo!
HAPPY HALLOWEEN READERS!!!
It was one of Simon’s favourite days of the year – well – I’m sure it still is… He always loved scaring the local children half to death and the locals used to pay him to do so… Awww… I remember the look on their faces – frozen in fear is probably the best way to describe them… We were always so proud of them and he never got any comeback from the parents – everyone was so pleased to have the streets free of kids.
“Mummy – Mummy – it’s the Yeti man… Please take me home – although please do not inflict either Kilroy or any Reality Television on my poor young and now almost totally addled brain…”
…they used to cry…
Bless! And Simon would growl and nibble at their tiny arms – making sure he didn’t leave any marks or tickle them at all with him fur… He was always terribly gentle… Except for the time he sneezed and swallowed a Pekinese… But well – let’s gloss over that…
Anyway – so Halloween… One of his most enjoyable times of the year and – well – he won’t get to enjoy it this time…
* Sniff *
Ahem… Sorry…
Listen… I am currently trying to decipher Simon’s poorly spoken English (I’m not great on translating Grrrs and growls stuff and a couple of times he does regress to Olde Yeti, which is harder to make sense of due to his Isle of Wight accent … I don’t want to sound ungrateful cos Simon was under stress at the time of his narration of events – but why he found it necessary to dribble into the tape I’m not sure… Unless that was the fault of the Postman… (Ours tends to eat chicken drum sticks whilst doing his rounds…)
That said, we should have something for you early next week… The Police are hot on the trail of matters and are hoping to track Simon down… There has been no more sightings of Fee or Dr Pyre – and no more further contact from Si himself…
Just to reassure you – there will be new postings of some sort on Monday… I intend to take Simon’s role at this weekends big 40th anniversary convention, Panopticon in London and will hopefully post some kind of report on that. We also have a 1978 interview with Simon which we’ll be making available to you…
…And of course the tape transcript…
Just please don’t nag – I think I may well have the flu coming on…
One of your number somehow got hold of my phone number last night and kept ringing me and speaking in a dodgy French accent…
“Monsieur – post up le frickin’ transcript… What ‘az ‘appened to Monsieur Si-mon… Tell us – tell us now – s’il vous plait… Zut alor!”
I just want to say one thing to this…
Please don’t do it again. 27 times is excessive – 27 times an hour I may add… You’re slowing me up…
I won’t bore you with any more poetry today – but I am prepared to post up something new – infact it was the last thing Simon worked on before he vanished…
Do you remember last week a gentleman called Ian wrote in with a question for Simon? He was a bear keeper seeking advice… Well Simon replied to him and over the weekend Ian responded to the advice with the following letter and also wished him well after his recent hospital stay… Simon had just completed his response before Fee turned herself into The Blazing Inferno…
The letter began as follows…
Hi there Mr Yeti,
Just wanted to say thank you for answering my question about fur grooming on your web page. I found your hints and tips to be most interesting and hope to put them into practice soon!
Not a problem – my pleasure… Always happy to help someone who takes a strong interest and obviously enjoys their work as much as you do…
I have a young cub in my charge at the moment who's in dire need of a shampoo and soapy back rub!
Well from what I can tell, you will be very good at it… Please let me know how you get on – I may even seek out your skills for my own purposes at some point if you’d be available. My last masseur and fur shampoo-er fell tripped and got his head stuck in a rabbit hole and hasn’t been seen since…
I do however have a couple more questions for you if you would be so kind!
Please Ian – ask away! ;-)
I read recently that dear old Bungle from Rainbow has just recently come out of rehab for the 3rd time. He was a bit of a childhood hero of mine, so to read all that stuff in the tabloids about his 10 grand-a-week coke habit, and his sordid three-in-a-bed rent boy scandal is quite shocking. Was he really like that back in the 70's? I mean, you must have brushed fur with him in the corridors of Thames television at some point?
Hehe. You could say that…
Poor old Bungle… I do actually know him pretty well – although I haven’t seen him for a good couple of years now. I’m afraid that it was he who, it could be said, led me astray after I lost out to Dustin Hoffman on Tootsie. Bungle was always really big on the old nose candy – but I’d like to clear up one misconception. It wasn’t coke (although sometimes he’d try Fanta or 7 Up and more recently Pepsi Max…) that he was a big fiend for – but Sherbet Dibdabs – my own weakness throughout the 60s and 70s during moments of weakness… I remember in about 1986 after we’d been out with the boys from Duran Duran (all BIG sherbet dibdab fans) – we just slept… The next thing I remember it was 1987 and Sylvester McCoy was playing the Dr and I’d missed yet another chance to audition…
As for his bedroom activities – he was more a three-in-the-bed rent bear man, I believe… Though I cannot confirm any of that from first hand experience as I was never one of that three. The closest Bungle and I EVER got to anything intimate was sharing a Chicken Chow Mein in Folkestone in about 1974.
Also, are you related to the little blue yeti that advertises bio yoghurt on the telly? He's a cute little fellow, and I thought he bore a striking resemblance to you in your younger day.
Oooo Mr – careful what you say… I’m still young!!! In Yeti terms at least – I moisturise and I work out and am often to be seen in the pages of HELLO looking darn fabulous and gorgeous. I’m joking… But no – I’m not related to the little blue yeti – I ACTUALLY am the little blue Yeti… It’s amazing what they can do with CGI these days… I can tell you though – that was one of the best paid jobs I ever had – I got more for those commercials than I did for playing John Lennon in a stage version of Carousel only 3 years ago… I’ll tell you though – that blue paint took damn ages to get out of my fur and I had to have a bit trimmed down. This is something I NEVER do and as you know I wouldn’t even shave for Kylie during my recent video shoot… Still – I’d rather to think too much about that disappointing episode!
Thats all,
Hope all is well with you soon!!
Best wishes, Ian
Bless you – it’s a pleasure… Feel free to write again if you ever have any other questions and I’ll note down your contact details for massaging purposes… Good luck with the bears and don’t let them give you any shit – just their honey…
Anyway – must go – there has been some problem here with my housemate burning things down and I need to check my emails to see if any light can be shed on this by her ex-flatmate… Thanks again for writing…
Big Hugz, Simon Yeti xxx
Awww! Shy again… Wasn’t that lovely… May I just add my thanks to you Ian – I hope you find Simon’s responses to your questions to your liking…
* Sniffs *
Sorry… Overwhelmed by a wave of emotion there…
* Sniffs *
Apologies… Anyway - that’s all we have time for this posting… It is unlikely that anything will be posted until Monday now – but please bear with us…
Take care and don’t speak to phoenixes…
Hugs,
Shy Yeti xxx
SIMON WILL HOPEFULLY RETURN SOON... STAY TUNED...
SIMON YETI IS MANAGED BY SHY YETI MANAGEMENT, COPYRIGHT BEECHES 2003.
Halloween links of the day:
http://www.see-london.com/briefhistory_ghosts.asp
Ghosts of London…
http://members.tripod.com/ltkrunch/villWsnowghost.htm
A picture of the Snow Ghost (a kind of Yeti) off Scooby Doo!
HAPPY HALLOWEEN READERS!!!
It was one of Simon’s favourite days of the year – well – I’m sure it still is… He always loved scaring the local children half to death and the locals used to pay him to do so… Awww… I remember the look on their faces – frozen in fear is probably the best way to describe them… We were always so proud of them and he never got any comeback from the parents – everyone was so pleased to have the streets free of kids.
“Mummy – Mummy – it’s the Yeti man… Please take me home – although please do not inflict either Kilroy or any Reality Television on my poor young and now almost totally addled brain…”
…they used to cry…
Bless! And Simon would growl and nibble at their tiny arms – making sure he didn’t leave any marks or tickle them at all with him fur… He was always terribly gentle… Except for the time he sneezed and swallowed a Pekinese… But well – let’s gloss over that…
Anyway – so Halloween… One of his most enjoyable times of the year and – well – he won’t get to enjoy it this time…
* Sniff *
Ahem… Sorry…
Listen… I am currently trying to decipher Simon’s poorly spoken English (I’m not great on translating Grrrs and growls stuff and a couple of times he does regress to Olde Yeti, which is harder to make sense of due to his Isle of Wight accent … I don’t want to sound ungrateful cos Simon was under stress at the time of his narration of events – but why he found it necessary to dribble into the tape I’m not sure… Unless that was the fault of the Postman… (Ours tends to eat chicken drum sticks whilst doing his rounds…)
That said, we should have something for you early next week… The Police are hot on the trail of matters and are hoping to track Simon down… There has been no more sightings of Fee or Dr Pyre – and no more further contact from Si himself…
Just to reassure you – there will be new postings of some sort on Monday… I intend to take Simon’s role at this weekends big 40th anniversary convention, Panopticon in London and will hopefully post some kind of report on that. We also have a 1978 interview with Simon which we’ll be making available to you…
…And of course the tape transcript…
Just please don’t nag – I think I may well have the flu coming on…
One of your number somehow got hold of my phone number last night and kept ringing me and speaking in a dodgy French accent…
“Monsieur – post up le frickin’ transcript… What ‘az ‘appened to Monsieur Si-mon… Tell us – tell us now – s’il vous plait… Zut alor!”
I just want to say one thing to this…
Please don’t do it again. 27 times is excessive – 27 times an hour I may add… You’re slowing me up…
I won’t bore you with any more poetry today – but I am prepared to post up something new – infact it was the last thing Simon worked on before he vanished…
Do you remember last week a gentleman called Ian wrote in with a question for Simon? He was a bear keeper seeking advice… Well Simon replied to him and over the weekend Ian responded to the advice with the following letter and also wished him well after his recent hospital stay… Simon had just completed his response before Fee turned herself into The Blazing Inferno…
The letter began as follows…
Hi there Mr Yeti,
Just wanted to say thank you for answering my question about fur grooming on your web page. I found your hints and tips to be most interesting and hope to put them into practice soon!
Not a problem – my pleasure… Always happy to help someone who takes a strong interest and obviously enjoys their work as much as you do…
I have a young cub in my charge at the moment who's in dire need of a shampoo and soapy back rub!
Well from what I can tell, you will be very good at it… Please let me know how you get on – I may even seek out your skills for my own purposes at some point if you’d be available. My last masseur and fur shampoo-er fell tripped and got his head stuck in a rabbit hole and hasn’t been seen since…
I do however have a couple more questions for you if you would be so kind!
Please Ian – ask away! ;-)
I read recently that dear old Bungle from Rainbow has just recently come out of rehab for the 3rd time. He was a bit of a childhood hero of mine, so to read all that stuff in the tabloids about his 10 grand-a-week coke habit, and his sordid three-in-a-bed rent boy scandal is quite shocking. Was he really like that back in the 70's? I mean, you must have brushed fur with him in the corridors of Thames television at some point?
Hehe. You could say that…
Poor old Bungle… I do actually know him pretty well – although I haven’t seen him for a good couple of years now. I’m afraid that it was he who, it could be said, led me astray after I lost out to Dustin Hoffman on Tootsie. Bungle was always really big on the old nose candy – but I’d like to clear up one misconception. It wasn’t coke (although sometimes he’d try Fanta or 7 Up and more recently Pepsi Max…) that he was a big fiend for – but Sherbet Dibdabs – my own weakness throughout the 60s and 70s during moments of weakness… I remember in about 1986 after we’d been out with the boys from Duran Duran (all BIG sherbet dibdab fans) – we just slept… The next thing I remember it was 1987 and Sylvester McCoy was playing the Dr and I’d missed yet another chance to audition…
As for his bedroom activities – he was more a three-in-the-bed rent bear man, I believe… Though I cannot confirm any of that from first hand experience as I was never one of that three. The closest Bungle and I EVER got to anything intimate was sharing a Chicken Chow Mein in Folkestone in about 1974.
Also, are you related to the little blue yeti that advertises bio yoghurt on the telly? He's a cute little fellow, and I thought he bore a striking resemblance to you in your younger day.
Oooo Mr – careful what you say… I’m still young!!! In Yeti terms at least – I moisturise and I work out and am often to be seen in the pages of HELLO looking darn fabulous and gorgeous. I’m joking… But no – I’m not related to the little blue yeti – I ACTUALLY am the little blue Yeti… It’s amazing what they can do with CGI these days… I can tell you though – that was one of the best paid jobs I ever had – I got more for those commercials than I did for playing John Lennon in a stage version of Carousel only 3 years ago… I’ll tell you though – that blue paint took damn ages to get out of my fur and I had to have a bit trimmed down. This is something I NEVER do and as you know I wouldn’t even shave for Kylie during my recent video shoot… Still – I’d rather to think too much about that disappointing episode!
Thats all,
Hope all is well with you soon!!
Best wishes, Ian
Bless you – it’s a pleasure… Feel free to write again if you ever have any other questions and I’ll note down your contact details for massaging purposes… Good luck with the bears and don’t let them give you any shit – just their honey…
Anyway – must go – there has been some problem here with my housemate burning things down and I need to check my emails to see if any light can be shed on this by her ex-flatmate… Thanks again for writing…
Big Hugz, Simon Yeti xxx
Awww! Shy again… Wasn’t that lovely… May I just add my thanks to you Ian – I hope you find Simon’s responses to your questions to your liking…
* Sniffs *
Sorry… Overwhelmed by a wave of emotion there…
* Sniffs *
Apologies… Anyway - that’s all we have time for this posting… It is unlikely that anything will be posted until Monday now – but please bear with us…
Take care and don’t speak to phoenixes…
Hugs,
Shy Yeti xxx
SIMON WILL HOPEFULLY RETURN SOON... STAY TUNED...
SIMON YETI IS MANAGED BY SHY YETI MANAGEMENT, COPYRIGHT BEECHES 2003.
Thursday, October 30, 2003
* WORK IS CURRENTLY BEING UNDERTAKEN IN THE TRANSLATING OF THE TAPE SENT TO US BY SIMON, WHICH WAS RECEIVED THIS MORNING. SHY YETI HAS BEEN WORKING FOR OOOH - MINUTES ON THIS JOB AND HE INTENDS TO POST A TRANSCRIPT OF THE TAPE AS SOON AS IS ONE IS AVAILABLE...
NO FURTHER CONTACT HAS BEEN RECEIVED FROM SIMON TO DATE! *
NO FURTHER CONTACT HAS BEEN RECEIVED FROM SIMON TO DATE! *
Wednesday, October 29, 2003
*** PLEASE NOTE - THERE HAVE BEEN TWO POSTINGS MADE TODAY... ***
*** THIS IS THE SECOND... ***
*** THE FIRST IS POSTED BELOW THIS ONE... ***
*hi it's me, simon...*
*briefly...*
*i am okay... things r hectic...*
*in hiding - no time to explain*
*have sent tape to shy - should update things...*
*have only had 1 cornflake to eat since tuesday...*
*i will be ok*
*please do not worry*
*damn*
*Shy - please send apologies to Belle And Sebastian - can we reschedule?*
*have to go - someone is coming*
*kisses*
*Si xx*
*PS shy, please cancel the milk*
*** THIS IS THE SECOND... ***
*** THE FIRST IS POSTED BELOW THIS ONE... ***
*hi it's me, simon...*
*briefly...*
*i am okay... things r hectic...*
*in hiding - no time to explain*
*have sent tape to shy - should update things...*
*have only had 1 cornflake to eat since tuesday...*
*i will be ok*
*please do not worry*
*damn*
*Shy - please send apologies to Belle And Sebastian - can we reschedule?*
*have to go - someone is coming*
*kisses*
*Si xx*
*PS shy, please cancel the milk*
DEAR CATASTROPHE, SIMON...
Yeti Links Of The Day...
http://www.yeti-airlines.com/
Simon hasn't flown with this Nepalese airline but I am sure he would approve of the name...
http://www.yetiworld.com/
These people design things which are useful...
* MESSAGE FROM SHY YETI TO ALL READERS *
Apologies for the short post today...
I have had no contact from Simon since he posted on tuesday... He was supposed to have been having dinner with Belle And Sebastian (the music group http://www.belleandsebastian.com/home.php - see review at http://www.guardian.co.uk/arts/reviews/story/0,11712,1054343,00.html) but failed to show up. Now I know Simon wouldn't have just not showed up cos he's been playing their new album to death and was hoping to play the cello at one of their December gigs.
We're all terribly worried about him here - as I'm sure you'll understand...
The last posting concerning Fee was mighty scary... As often happens - Simon actually records most of his postings on a dictaphone, which I then type up for him... What was posted yesterday comes from a tape that I found in his flat... Yesterday's post ends at the point where the tape ended...
Simon is gone - all Fee's belongings are gone and so are some of Simon's - including his dictaphone...
The only information I can add is that there appeared to have been forced entry to the flat - sometime before I came over and found the tape... The Police have taken finger prints but as yet have not identified the intruder - although having listened to the tape I am guessing that the person responsible might be Dr Pyre... (Simon's Kylie stalker is still locked up I CAN confirm!)
It would seem likely that Simon cannot get access to a pc at present - he DOES have access to this site and can post directly should it be possible for him to do so. Failing that I am hoping that we shall receive a tape from him which might update us on his progress...
My thoughts are with Simon at this time - as I am sure yours are...
To end on a more upbeat note I propose to end this posting with a poem...
Please enjoy it and do not shed big tears - as Peter Davison once said;
"Pass us the rubber gloves - there's a lamb to be milked..."
Sorry that was the wrong quote... He actually said;
"Brave heart..."
We must all be brave, today.
Shy Yeti xxx
THEY CAME FROM OUTER HEBRIDES!!!
They came from Outer Hebrides -
They came from Watford Gap!
They have an evil game to play…
You can bet it isn’t Snap!
They’re the creatures of our nightmares…
They’re the monsters from bad dreams!
Despite all best intentions -
They are full of wicked schemes…
Despite all words of wisdom -
They’ll find it hard to be behaved!
None who ever met one -
Found their lives would end up saved!
Not one of them escaped from -
Inside those misfits’ mashing jaws…
Always got a tad unsettled…
If got blood upon their claws!
They came from out the Green Belt -
From within North/South divide…
Just pray you don’t bump into one -
When their mouths are open wide!
When they’ve got into a foul mood…
When they’ve got a parking fee!
And they’re rotters around Valentines!
When no hearts are EVER free!!!
Especially if you’re creepy…
It’s hard for beasts to get a date!
And if the girls do not arrive on time -
They will permanently be late!
They came from Corn-flake packets!
Outer deepest, darkest Kent!
From across the Scottish Highlands…
And it’s way-past time they went!
They came from Inner Cities -
They come from in yer mind!
They are hiding in your pillows!
Eating only orange rind…
Try and blast them out with disco…
They can only cope with rock!
They’re all fine wine fanatics -
So dine them out on Hock…
They’ll threaten and they’ll menace -
They will stalk you just for fun!
Try killing them with kindness -
Or perhaps just use a gun!
They came from Outer Hebrides -
They’re down on Women’s Lib!
They have an evil game to play…
You can bet it isn’t Crib!
FROM GO 4TH & DIVIDE BY SHY YETI.
WWW.THEDAFFYPOET.BLOGSPOT.COM
COPYRIGHT BEECHES PUBLICATIONS 2003.
SIMON WILL HOPEFULLY POST AGAIN TOMORROW... STAY TUNED...
SIMON YETI IS MANAGED BY SHY YETI MANAGEMENT, COPYRIGHT BEECHES 2003.
Yeti Links Of The Day...
http://www.yeti-airlines.com/
Simon hasn't flown with this Nepalese airline but I am sure he would approve of the name...
http://www.yetiworld.com/
These people design things which are useful...
* MESSAGE FROM SHY YETI TO ALL READERS *
Apologies for the short post today...
I have had no contact from Simon since he posted on tuesday... He was supposed to have been having dinner with Belle And Sebastian (the music group http://www.belleandsebastian.com/home.php - see review at http://www.guardian.co.uk/arts/reviews/story/0,11712,1054343,00.html) but failed to show up. Now I know Simon wouldn't have just not showed up cos he's been playing their new album to death and was hoping to play the cello at one of their December gigs.
We're all terribly worried about him here - as I'm sure you'll understand...
The last posting concerning Fee was mighty scary... As often happens - Simon actually records most of his postings on a dictaphone, which I then type up for him... What was posted yesterday comes from a tape that I found in his flat... Yesterday's post ends at the point where the tape ended...
Simon is gone - all Fee's belongings are gone and so are some of Simon's - including his dictaphone...
The only information I can add is that there appeared to have been forced entry to the flat - sometime before I came over and found the tape... The Police have taken finger prints but as yet have not identified the intruder - although having listened to the tape I am guessing that the person responsible might be Dr Pyre... (Simon's Kylie stalker is still locked up I CAN confirm!)
It would seem likely that Simon cannot get access to a pc at present - he DOES have access to this site and can post directly should it be possible for him to do so. Failing that I am hoping that we shall receive a tape from him which might update us on his progress...
My thoughts are with Simon at this time - as I am sure yours are...
To end on a more upbeat note I propose to end this posting with a poem...
Please enjoy it and do not shed big tears - as Peter Davison once said;
"Pass us the rubber gloves - there's a lamb to be milked..."
Sorry that was the wrong quote... He actually said;
"Brave heart..."
We must all be brave, today.
Shy Yeti xxx
THEY CAME FROM OUTER HEBRIDES!!!
They came from Outer Hebrides -
They came from Watford Gap!
They have an evil game to play…
You can bet it isn’t Snap!
They’re the creatures of our nightmares…
They’re the monsters from bad dreams!
Despite all best intentions -
They are full of wicked schemes…
Despite all words of wisdom -
They’ll find it hard to be behaved!
None who ever met one -
Found their lives would end up saved!
Not one of them escaped from -
Inside those misfits’ mashing jaws…
Always got a tad unsettled…
If got blood upon their claws!
They came from out the Green Belt -
From within North/South divide…
Just pray you don’t bump into one -
When their mouths are open wide!
When they’ve got into a foul mood…
When they’ve got a parking fee!
And they’re rotters around Valentines!
When no hearts are EVER free!!!
Especially if you’re creepy…
It’s hard for beasts to get a date!
And if the girls do not arrive on time -
They will permanently be late!
They came from Corn-flake packets!
Outer deepest, darkest Kent!
From across the Scottish Highlands…
And it’s way-past time they went!
They came from Inner Cities -
They come from in yer mind!
They are hiding in your pillows!
Eating only orange rind…
Try and blast them out with disco…
They can only cope with rock!
They’re all fine wine fanatics -
So dine them out on Hock…
They’ll threaten and they’ll menace -
They will stalk you just for fun!
Try killing them with kindness -
Or perhaps just use a gun!
They came from Outer Hebrides -
They’re down on Women’s Lib!
They have an evil game to play…
You can bet it isn’t Crib!
FROM GO 4TH & DIVIDE BY SHY YETI.
WWW.THEDAFFYPOET.BLOGSPOT.COM
COPYRIGHT BEECHES PUBLICATIONS 2003.
SIMON WILL HOPEFULLY POST AGAIN TOMORROW... STAY TUNED...
SIMON YETI IS MANAGED BY SHY YETI MANAGEMENT, COPYRIGHT BEECHES 2003.
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
Afternoon Readers...
We have time for TWO Yeti links, today...
http://www.yeticycles.com/
It's a link that connects to a company which makes bikes - but bikes are always useful if you get a Yeti cross - cos although we're not as slow as one might think - we'd never catch up with you if you were cycling... Unless we were cycling after you too...
http://www.legendofyeti.com/
A nice enough site - with plenty of stories and news and a few pictures of my Uncle Desmond's footmarks which he left in the the snow years back. They are especially excited about a Yeti sighting by Pike fishermen in Northumberland who claim to have spotted a huge ape-like monster after a day on Bolam Lake. Apparently "Yeti experts" (who hell they!?!) say they too have seen the beast, although no-one is quite sure what it is. Of course... That would have been me on one of my weekend rambles... I have friends up that way... BUT I DO NOT LOOK LIKE AN APE!!! I WAS DRESSED UP AS ONE - I WAS GOING TO A FANCY DRESS PARTY! SHEEEESH!!!!!
ANYWAY!!! There is a little too much emphasis on "hunting" and "capturing" a Yeti for my liking and some of the pictures of us look a bit too ape-like in my humble opinion. Everyone knows that we look like the Yetis that appeared in Dr Who (because - err - well - that was us!) but with added scary make-up and glowy eye type things for effect.
Listen now! I realise that I left matters at rather a critical moment back there - and I do intend to continue to explain all that occurred afterwards...
But first - I have some business to attend to... Being that this is a site for *YOU* the fans of my work - I do have a number of questions from you all out there, which I do intend to answer.
The first is from a gentleman named Ceri who wrote in with a question last week... He refers to a number of points mentioned in yesterdays posting...
1. What was Simon doing on I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again? Bill Oddie's understudy perhaps? :)
Well funnily enough - yes - absolutely. As you will all recall, Bill isn't the tallest fella in the world and one day he got stuck up a big tree whilst trying to give marriage guidance tips to a couple of blue tits... In the end he couldn't get down and had to snuggle up with the birds in their nest until Jenny Agutter came passing by and was able to reach up and help him down. Meanwhile... Bill had of course missed the show and I was called in at the last minute... I was very good - although one listener wrote in having mistaken my voice for that of top ex-satsuma wrestling champion, Maureen Lipman. Or something.
Sorry. I think I had too many gins over lunch. Still - it's all true. Ceri then asks...
2. Does Simon like talking teapots as well?
I presume you are referring to the talking tea pot that used to appear on The Adventure Game. Well - no - I must admit - I knew that tea pot and actually it wasn't an alien at all - but an small fellow called Martin who used to sell double glazing - who would climb into the teapot before every show and mumble his lines and spout out hot steam everywhere. (Cos it was hot in there, doncha know!)
Next up, Ceri enquires...
3. And are Yeti's really *that* flexible to do kung fu?
Ceri adds the following comment: "Can they really kick their leg's up that high (ala the Can Can?). I have visions of Yoda in Attack of the Clones! I assumed they had short stumpy legs and large fur covered bodies, or do they have long legs that are fur covered to completely hide them? I suspect I'm just jealous of him getting that close to Uma Thurman in that yellow jumpsuit. :)"
Of course we can! Although we do it very quickly - almost too quickly for the eye to follow... We have neither short and stumpy legs (like Wombles) or tall and furry legs (like Pan's People) but legs that are somewhere in between - a little like Sean Connery's. Not that you can see them too well under all the fluff.
Please! No comparison's with Yoda, please... How embarrassing was that! You of course realise that the Attack of the Clones Yoda wasn't a real one at all and only CGI... They never asked the real Yoda back (or Malcolm as he is known to his friends) because of his rather controversial proposal that politicians should be housed in battery farms for a month whilst hens were allowed to run the Whitehouse. As we all know - it didn't work - but they don't seem to have swapped them back round again yet... Poor Malcolm... He always was a dreamer...
As for being jealous of Uma's catsuit - I can understand that. But I was speaking to her the other day and she confessed to being jealous of your definitive collection of Wonder Stuff vinyl - so it's horses for courses really. We all have something that we take for granted that somebody else somewhere would sell their granny for... I, for instance, was blessed with exceedingly good looks - which I believe Brad Pitt and David Beckham are particularly keen to get hold of (being pasty faced skinny fellas with little or no fur to keep them warm) - whereas I'd love to meet Jennifer Aniston or Posh - cos apparently they both understood the true meaning of David Lynch's Mullholland Drive and I was hoping they'd explain it to me... So you see... Just you celebrate what you have, Mr C... Oh - and Uma says hi and can she have her Bay City Rollers CD back sometime...
Hic.
We do like Ceri - he's a true fan. Although he seemed to think that I was just showing off when I was telling people about being escorted off the hospital premises by men with baseball bats... It was true though... What can I say! :-)
Actually, it is extremely appropriate that Ceri has mentioned Star Wars - because I also have a number of questions concerning this particular series of films, from a certain James V from Ealing. Which I can hopefully cover before getting back on track with the main event... James asks:
a) How accurate a depiction of a large furry animal did you find Chewbacca in the Star Wars films?
James - James... You seem a trifle confused here... Being that Chewbaccas is a large furry animal - his depiction is obviously pretty authentic... I'm not sure what else to say... Bob's a great guy... I was offered the role of course but had to turn it down cos I had to do jury duty in Farnham that week. Still - we got free lunch - and a lolly so I don't regret it...
James continues...
b) Do you feel he was a merely token bit of casting, especially considering the treatment of another large furry creature in Empire Strikes Back, when Luke cuts off the creature's arm?
Bob's casting as Chewy was hardly token casting - I mean - he is the main character... It's just a shame they brought in the whole Luke/Leia/Vader sub-plot which rather muddied the main plot. Until just a week before the film went out to the cinemas it was still known as CHEWY AND HAN GO ON HOLIDAY which I STILL think is a much better title. As far as the chopping off arm scene goes - that was nothing to do with George - he was asleep for most of that one and the majority of the picture was infact directed by Dr Smith and the Robot off Lost In Space. You heard it hear first... Caused a lot of bad feeling that did - and I refused to appear...
c) Do you feel George Lucas has a thing about furry creatures considering his constant use of wookies, ewoks and the like?
Do I think George has a thing about us... HA! Are you kidding? Do I ever... Bless him... He loves us... But I mustn't go into that... Let's just say he used to turn up on the set of Sesame Street JUST to feed Mr Snuffleuffigus peanuts twice a day... Bless him - Snuffy has a nut allergy as well... What a nightmare... Long story - can't go into it here...
d) On a separate note, do you feel that Cousin It gave a fully rounded and emotional performance in the Addams Family?
Did he ever... Awww. Not really a fair question for me to answer... We have history... We used to be very close but we don't growl much now... Still - I thought he was great - he should have gotten his own show... Last time I heard from him he was playing Yorik down at Stratford (not on Avon, the one at the end of the Jubilee line...)
Thanks James for your questions - I hope I helped...
Back to yesterday now...
If you recall I had just received an email from Fee's boss - a Dr Pyre who had just delivered me the following revelation...
Simon...
...From the sound of your email it would seem that Fee has inferred to you that she worked with me at my lab - this is not strictly true... It would be fairer to say that I work on her at the lab... She is an incredibly unique being Simon... I know you will find this hard to take in - but it does explain the fire at the flat...
Your friend Felicity is a Phoenix...
I SHOULD have guessed...
Hey - no laughing at the back there... I should have done...
I paused though - I wasn't sure quite what to do next... The Dr had left a phone number - I didn't ring it that moment but went to bed and then didn't sleep... But soon after 8.30 am - with no sign of Fee back at the flat - I did call...
"Dr Pyre... This is Simon... Simon Yeti... I mailed you and you - err - you mailed back..."
"SIMON!" he exclaimed, "I AV BEEN WAITING FOR YER CALL..."
He sounded rather like a mad professor - which isn't just me playing for laughs - he actually did sound like this...
"I wanted to talk to you about Fee... She turned up here - she's been staying with me for a few days now..."
"You are her pen-friend, huh... She mention you..."
"I've known her quite a while..." I explained, "But I never knew - well - any of the stuff you told me..."
"Ahh well - it eez a long story Mr Yeti... I must come to your flat and tell you - and bring Fee to safety... I have her address book here - you live in London, huh..."
"I do..." I hesitated for a moment, "She's not here though - not at the moment - she went missing yesterday..."
I was puzzling over the whole thing - concerned that maybe I shouldn't be speaking with Dr Pyre... I was just coming to terms with the fact that I didn't seem to know Fee well - but I certainly didn't know Pyre from Adam! That said it rather seemed as if Fee was a danger - she had burnt down the cinema - if she got cross with me I really wouldn't know how to deal with her...
"I'll be over... It may take me an hour or so - I'm presently in Oxford - I'll talk to you in greater detail when I arrive..."
The phone clicked off.
A shiver ran through me and yet in my head I felt a trifle woozy - almost drunk...
Dizzy...
Putting down the phone I headed for Fee's room... This time when I turned the door handle I could feel the heat burning my paw and yet I didn't let it stop me... I entered the room - my fur soaking with perspiration...
"BRING ME THE BOX..." I heard someone say - before realising that the voice was my own...
I reached down to where I had placed the box previously - lifting it up and peering inside once again...
The eggs were still there - but the shells seemed a deeper, darker red and I now realised that the heat was coming from the eggs themselves...
"BRING ME THE BOX..." the words were in my head now - and this time the voice was Fee's...
I carried the box to the window and drew open the curtains...
There she stood - out there in the garden - staring back at me...
It was the Fee and she was beckoning at me - beckoning me to join her out there... The Fee I thought I knew so well...
Except for one small difference...
She was on fire...
SIMON WILL POST AGAIN TOMORROW... STAY TUNED...
SIMON YETI IS MANAGED BY SHY YETI MANAGEMENT, COPYRIGHT BEECHES 2003.
We have time for TWO Yeti links, today...
http://www.yeticycles.com/
It's a link that connects to a company which makes bikes - but bikes are always useful if you get a Yeti cross - cos although we're not as slow as one might think - we'd never catch up with you if you were cycling... Unless we were cycling after you too...
http://www.legendofyeti.com/
A nice enough site - with plenty of stories and news and a few pictures of my Uncle Desmond's footmarks which he left in the the snow years back. They are especially excited about a Yeti sighting by Pike fishermen in Northumberland who claim to have spotted a huge ape-like monster after a day on Bolam Lake. Apparently "Yeti experts" (who hell they!?!) say they too have seen the beast, although no-one is quite sure what it is. Of course... That would have been me on one of my weekend rambles... I have friends up that way... BUT I DO NOT LOOK LIKE AN APE!!! I WAS DRESSED UP AS ONE - I WAS GOING TO A FANCY DRESS PARTY! SHEEEESH!!!!!
ANYWAY!!! There is a little too much emphasis on "hunting" and "capturing" a Yeti for my liking and some of the pictures of us look a bit too ape-like in my humble opinion. Everyone knows that we look like the Yetis that appeared in Dr Who (because - err - well - that was us!) but with added scary make-up and glowy eye type things for effect.
Listen now! I realise that I left matters at rather a critical moment back there - and I do intend to continue to explain all that occurred afterwards...
But first - I have some business to attend to... Being that this is a site for *YOU* the fans of my work - I do have a number of questions from you all out there, which I do intend to answer.
The first is from a gentleman named Ceri who wrote in with a question last week... He refers to a number of points mentioned in yesterdays posting...
1. What was Simon doing on I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again? Bill Oddie's understudy perhaps? :)
Well funnily enough - yes - absolutely. As you will all recall, Bill isn't the tallest fella in the world and one day he got stuck up a big tree whilst trying to give marriage guidance tips to a couple of blue tits... In the end he couldn't get down and had to snuggle up with the birds in their nest until Jenny Agutter came passing by and was able to reach up and help him down. Meanwhile... Bill had of course missed the show and I was called in at the last minute... I was very good - although one listener wrote in having mistaken my voice for that of top ex-satsuma wrestling champion, Maureen Lipman. Or something.
Sorry. I think I had too many gins over lunch. Still - it's all true. Ceri then asks...
2. Does Simon like talking teapots as well?
I presume you are referring to the talking tea pot that used to appear on The Adventure Game. Well - no - I must admit - I knew that tea pot and actually it wasn't an alien at all - but an small fellow called Martin who used to sell double glazing - who would climb into the teapot before every show and mumble his lines and spout out hot steam everywhere. (Cos it was hot in there, doncha know!)
Next up, Ceri enquires...
3. And are Yeti's really *that* flexible to do kung fu?
Ceri adds the following comment: "Can they really kick their leg's up that high (ala the Can Can?). I have visions of Yoda in Attack of the Clones! I assumed they had short stumpy legs and large fur covered bodies, or do they have long legs that are fur covered to completely hide them? I suspect I'm just jealous of him getting that close to Uma Thurman in that yellow jumpsuit. :)"
Of course we can! Although we do it very quickly - almost too quickly for the eye to follow... We have neither short and stumpy legs (like Wombles) or tall and furry legs (like Pan's People) but legs that are somewhere in between - a little like Sean Connery's. Not that you can see them too well under all the fluff.
Please! No comparison's with Yoda, please... How embarrassing was that! You of course realise that the Attack of the Clones Yoda wasn't a real one at all and only CGI... They never asked the real Yoda back (or Malcolm as he is known to his friends) because of his rather controversial proposal that politicians should be housed in battery farms for a month whilst hens were allowed to run the Whitehouse. As we all know - it didn't work - but they don't seem to have swapped them back round again yet... Poor Malcolm... He always was a dreamer...
As for being jealous of Uma's catsuit - I can understand that. But I was speaking to her the other day and she confessed to being jealous of your definitive collection of Wonder Stuff vinyl - so it's horses for courses really. We all have something that we take for granted that somebody else somewhere would sell their granny for... I, for instance, was blessed with exceedingly good looks - which I believe Brad Pitt and David Beckham are particularly keen to get hold of (being pasty faced skinny fellas with little or no fur to keep them warm) - whereas I'd love to meet Jennifer Aniston or Posh - cos apparently they both understood the true meaning of David Lynch's Mullholland Drive and I was hoping they'd explain it to me... So you see... Just you celebrate what you have, Mr C... Oh - and Uma says hi and can she have her Bay City Rollers CD back sometime...
Hic.
We do like Ceri - he's a true fan. Although he seemed to think that I was just showing off when I was telling people about being escorted off the hospital premises by men with baseball bats... It was true though... What can I say! :-)
Actually, it is extremely appropriate that Ceri has mentioned Star Wars - because I also have a number of questions concerning this particular series of films, from a certain James V from Ealing. Which I can hopefully cover before getting back on track with the main event... James asks:
a) How accurate a depiction of a large furry animal did you find Chewbacca in the Star Wars films?
James - James... You seem a trifle confused here... Being that Chewbaccas is a large furry animal - his depiction is obviously pretty authentic... I'm not sure what else to say... Bob's a great guy... I was offered the role of course but had to turn it down cos I had to do jury duty in Farnham that week. Still - we got free lunch - and a lolly so I don't regret it...
James continues...
b) Do you feel he was a merely token bit of casting, especially considering the treatment of another large furry creature in Empire Strikes Back, when Luke cuts off the creature's arm?
Bob's casting as Chewy was hardly token casting - I mean - he is the main character... It's just a shame they brought in the whole Luke/Leia/Vader sub-plot which rather muddied the main plot. Until just a week before the film went out to the cinemas it was still known as CHEWY AND HAN GO ON HOLIDAY which I STILL think is a much better title. As far as the chopping off arm scene goes - that was nothing to do with George - he was asleep for most of that one and the majority of the picture was infact directed by Dr Smith and the Robot off Lost In Space. You heard it hear first... Caused a lot of bad feeling that did - and I refused to appear...
c) Do you feel George Lucas has a thing about furry creatures considering his constant use of wookies, ewoks and the like?
Do I think George has a thing about us... HA! Are you kidding? Do I ever... Bless him... He loves us... But I mustn't go into that... Let's just say he used to turn up on the set of Sesame Street JUST to feed Mr Snuffleuffigus peanuts twice a day... Bless him - Snuffy has a nut allergy as well... What a nightmare... Long story - can't go into it here...
d) On a separate note, do you feel that Cousin It gave a fully rounded and emotional performance in the Addams Family?
Did he ever... Awww. Not really a fair question for me to answer... We have history... We used to be very close but we don't growl much now... Still - I thought he was great - he should have gotten his own show... Last time I heard from him he was playing Yorik down at Stratford (not on Avon, the one at the end of the Jubilee line...)
Thanks James for your questions - I hope I helped...
Back to yesterday now...
If you recall I had just received an email from Fee's boss - a Dr Pyre who had just delivered me the following revelation...
Simon...
...From the sound of your email it would seem that Fee has inferred to you that she worked with me at my lab - this is not strictly true... It would be fairer to say that I work on her at the lab... She is an incredibly unique being Simon... I know you will find this hard to take in - but it does explain the fire at the flat...
Your friend Felicity is a Phoenix...
I SHOULD have guessed...
Hey - no laughing at the back there... I should have done...
I paused though - I wasn't sure quite what to do next... The Dr had left a phone number - I didn't ring it that moment but went to bed and then didn't sleep... But soon after 8.30 am - with no sign of Fee back at the flat - I did call...
"Dr Pyre... This is Simon... Simon Yeti... I mailed you and you - err - you mailed back..."
"SIMON!" he exclaimed, "I AV BEEN WAITING FOR YER CALL..."
He sounded rather like a mad professor - which isn't just me playing for laughs - he actually did sound like this...
"I wanted to talk to you about Fee... She turned up here - she's been staying with me for a few days now..."
"You are her pen-friend, huh... She mention you..."
"I've known her quite a while..." I explained, "But I never knew - well - any of the stuff you told me..."
"Ahh well - it eez a long story Mr Yeti... I must come to your flat and tell you - and bring Fee to safety... I have her address book here - you live in London, huh..."
"I do..." I hesitated for a moment, "She's not here though - not at the moment - she went missing yesterday..."
I was puzzling over the whole thing - concerned that maybe I shouldn't be speaking with Dr Pyre... I was just coming to terms with the fact that I didn't seem to know Fee well - but I certainly didn't know Pyre from Adam! That said it rather seemed as if Fee was a danger - she had burnt down the cinema - if she got cross with me I really wouldn't know how to deal with her...
"I'll be over... It may take me an hour or so - I'm presently in Oxford - I'll talk to you in greater detail when I arrive..."
The phone clicked off.
A shiver ran through me and yet in my head I felt a trifle woozy - almost drunk...
Dizzy...
Putting down the phone I headed for Fee's room... This time when I turned the door handle I could feel the heat burning my paw and yet I didn't let it stop me... I entered the room - my fur soaking with perspiration...
"BRING ME THE BOX..." I heard someone say - before realising that the voice was my own...
I reached down to where I had placed the box previously - lifting it up and peering inside once again...
The eggs were still there - but the shells seemed a deeper, darker red and I now realised that the heat was coming from the eggs themselves...
"BRING ME THE BOX..." the words were in my head now - and this time the voice was Fee's...
I carried the box to the window and drew open the curtains...
There she stood - out there in the garden - staring back at me...
It was the Fee and she was beckoning at me - beckoning me to join her out there... The Fee I thought I knew so well...
Except for one small difference...
She was on fire...
SIMON WILL POST AGAIN TOMORROW... STAY TUNED...
SIMON YETI IS MANAGED BY SHY YETI MANAGEMENT, COPYRIGHT BEECHES 2003.
Monday, October 27, 2003
Yeti link of the day: http://www.phobe.com/yeti/index.html
I don't know what this is - OR what it does... So don't blame me if installing their software blows up your computer. It just looked - odd... And they mentioned Yetis and there's a nice piccie of one of the Banana Splits and a Wooky! So hey! Can't be all bad can it?
Afternoon Readers...
So... I'm back home... It's monday and... Had quite a busy weekend actually... It's all been rather odd... I have sorted out quite a few things with Fee... Things which I certainly didn't know all those years we've been writing... Things I certainly hadn't learnt when I last posted to you! It all began after I said goodbye...
Friday afternoon...
Matron was so pleased to get rid of me that she'd arranged that I'd be escorted from the building by skinheads carrying baseball bats... (Were these to beat off all my fans of which I only saw a couple of you! Hello boys! Or were they actually there to beat me up had I decided to turn around and come back inside...) Whichever she had arranged for Security to lock the doors firmly behind me once I'd gone...
Shy was waiting for me in a taxi and as we drove home he showed me a couple of jobs I'd been offered... One was for a sadistic "Big Brother" style revival of the old early 80s television quiz show "The Adventure Game" - although I used to enjoy the programme in it's original format (and was a big fan of talking aspidistras back then), I'm not sure it's really for me. They wanted me to scare people quite literally to death and I'm having no part in that. It sounds terribly cruel. Shy informs me that Margaret Thatcher and Timmy Mallett were also lined up for this so I doubt I'd have got it anyway. I was also offered something on Radio - but I tend not to do much Radio work these days cos I've put on a weeny bit of weight and last time I did I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again I got wedged in the doorway and the whole programme had to be recorded out in the car park.
Oh - and I have had a letter regarding my post from friday - from a Mr C Handler who says; "Loved the poems... Please post the one you mentioned about the werewolf... My best friend's dad is a werewolf and would be really keen to see this verse..."
I'm not so sure he will when he reads it - but I will post it all the same...
(HE WAS) JUST AN EVERYDAY WEREWOLF…
He was just an everyday werewolf…
It’s not something for which he was proud!
There are loads of regulations…
And swearing’s not allowed!!
He was just an everyday werewolf…
Let’s be blunt -
It is not a pleasant life!
He couldn’t get a mortgage! -
And accidentally ate his wife!
Being beastly after darkness -
Left him tired in the day…
And he looked a tad unshaven…
At the tills in C&A!
It is very inconvenient…
For such a guy to have a curse…
And our friend was vegetarian!
Which made it even worse!!!
He was just an everyday werewolf…
Let’s not pretend he was anything less…
The postman would not deliver -
To his current home address…
The milkman got the jitters…
The baker dropped his loaves!
The priest was low on silver bullets -
And had only garlic cloves!
It wasn’t very friendly…
“Love thy neighbour…” - it was not…
Always tried to kill away from home -
Though sometimes he forgot!
He was just an everyday werewolf…
It’s the truth - let’s not be coy…
Lycanthropy is SO unsocial!
Which was beginning to annoy…
Sadly, any moon shaped objects -
Would make the kid see red…
An orange or a grapefruit -
A shiny bald man’s head…
When he tried to set the vid-eo…
He’d come over kind of strange!
He was always missing Corrie…
I.T.V. caused him to change…
He was just an everyday werewolf…
So, let’s not gloss around the truth…
But one night he came a cropper -
Despite his sharpened tooth!
He was on his way home from the bingo…
When he felt peckish - though nearly back!
A passing traffic warden -
Seemed quite the perfect snack!
But alas she gave him his ticket and -
Then she swiftly Judo chopped…
Battered him dead with her clip board…
His werewolf days abruptly stopped!
He was just an everyday werewolf…
Met his death along the way…
Folk simply don’t like Were-beasts -
No matter what they say! :-)
COPYRIGHT SHY YETI - 2003 BEECHES PUBLICATIONS
FROM GO 4TH AND DIVIDE...
I do hope that nothing quite so violent happens to your friends Father, Mr Handler... Errr... Hope you enjoyed the poem anyway! Good moral to that one - there's a real message in there... Somewhere. Of course, werewolves do get a bad press I'll totally agree - some of my best friends are... actually - scrub that - the only werewolf I ever met tried to con me out of a battered sausage and I'd hardly call that the action of a friend.
So anyway... There we were in the taxi - heading back home past the Heath when I spotted something and called to the driver to slowdown...
It was Fee - and she seemed to be trying to climb up a tree and appeared to be in the process of stealing eggs from a nest...
For just a second I did consider jumping from the taxi and demanding to know what on earth she was up to... But I didn't... All of a sudden I felt myself becoming more and more concerned for the fate of my flat...
It was still there I am glad to say... Although I could tell she'd been moving things about...
Why hadn't she come to see me in hospital? Where had she been the night of the attack? What on earth had she been doing up that tree on Hampstead Heath?
I planned to ask her when she got home...
But that night there was no sign of her at all...
Saturday....
By saturday morning there was a complete change around...
I was up late - but there she was - Fee - dusting things... She was bright and breezy and jolly and - well - mostly as normal as she had been on her first day with me...
"Where have you been?" I asked her... "I've been in hospital! Didn't you see Mrs Mara's note..."
Fee looked a bit vague, "I couldn't read her handwriting - I thought she had written it in Swedish..."
I looked at her, disbelievingly - very hard and very crossly - but she wouldn't make eye contact, "BUt where have you been? I was worried..."
"I was at the cinema..." she replied matterof factly, "At a movie marathon..."
"For 5 DAYS!!!"
"Pretty much, yes... 4 days... I fell asleep - I was very tired..." I didn't know what to say... "I might go back later - try a different cinema..."
It seemed pretty darn unlikely - and yet something niggled in the back of my mind... Something I couldn't place... An article read in yesterday's paper whilst lounging around the hospital Rec room before being discharged.
"I went to see Calendar Girls and Kill Bill..." she was saying, "Would you like to join me?"
"No thank you..." I said...
Those two particular films made me a feel a little upset - no matter how good they might be. A friend and myself had sent in a draft for a film suspiciously similar to Calendar Girls - a story based on the true story of a group of Yetis on the Isle of Wight who had grouped together to produce a naked furry calendar for disadvantaged bears in Tanzania. I was told, when we sent in our first draft of the script that nobody would be interested... Seems he was wrong though... Odd how the two stories are so similar though - or am I just being ultra-cynical?!
As for Kill Bill - I actually had a cameo in that at one stage... Until I ended up on the cutting room floor - with another member of the cast... My fault I admit! I was drunk! Quentin got jealous and sacked me... Still it's his loss! I was to have been Yeti Grand Master who taught Uma's character (The Bride) tall the tricks she knew. There was also to have been another scene where I entered a break dancing contest with some ducks in Peking. Well it wasn't to be... You can just about see me in the scene where Uma dispatches Lucy Liu in the snowy garden scene - I'm there having a sleep by the water feature - but Quentin hadn't spotted me. I was totally off my head on Chop Suey and the snow had covered me up but you can just about spot my feet sticking out. Waiting til it comes out on DVD - it'll be easier to free-frame then, unless they paintbox me out now I've brought their attention to it...
One for the continuity experts, me thinks...
Anyway - back at my flat I waited for Fee to leave for the cinema before deciding on my actions... I took my spare key and went to her bedroom... Once inside it was like a sauna, once again - even more so than the first time I'd gone to speak with her. I had a few questions I needed answering and I wasn't going to get the answers from Fee herself...
I found her address book - I scribbled down a couple of numbers and it was whilst I was doing that that I found a small silk lined box - and in it I there were some eggs... They were a firey orange colour and warm to the touch... Whatever they were - whatever was contained they didn't look to me like any ordinary, everyday egg that one would find down at Tescos - let along in a tree on Hampstead Heath...
I'm no bird expert but I didn't think she'd be making omelettes with those...
Guiltily I replaced the box - sweating due to the sheer heat... Although I'd originally suspected that this was due to a faulty temperature gauge - having heard the verdict from the experts I was beginning to think that the whole problem was directly linked to Fee herself...
I sat down at the PC - I'd noted down a couple of email addresses...
One was her former flat mate...
One was her current boss...
Was I really going to mail them? Was I really going to spy on my friend... Fee - who I'd written to for years... Who I thought I knew so well and yet had never met...
It was then I caught sight of the local newspaper - the same paper I had been reading yesterday morning in the hospital... A paper with the headline...
MYSTERIOUS FIRE IN LOCAL CINEMA
It took me less than a minute to confirm that this, indeed, was the same cinema that Fee had been having her supposed "Movie Marathon..."
I had to be sure... I had to speak to her boss - her old flatmate... This story about the flat burning down - I had only heard her side of the story... What if she had been the one responsible... What if? But surely not... All the same - until I'd spoken to someone who knew her better than I did I couldn't help but point the finger... The bedroom - the flat fire - the cinema fire - her weird behaviour... It rather looked as if I was living with some kind of arsonist...
I had to know the truth...
Sunday...
I sat up late that night and well into Sunday morning... And yet Fee never returned from her afternoon trip to the cinema... (How many had she visited? Had any others been burnt to the ground? I had found no stubs to actually place her at the scene of the crime - I had no proof to implicate her in any wrong doing... Was I the mad one? Was I going loopy as a result of my fall onto the fleeing Kylie Impersonator...)
I was beginning to give up hope of any reply to my emails... I hadn't had the courage to phone them - but it was way past midnight - no-one would be sending emails at that time of the day...
Except they were...
The first reply came from her ex-flatmate...
Hi Tom, (I had written) I believe we have a mutual friend in one Felicity Nicks. She was staying with me recently and left her address book. I found your email address and wondered whether you had a contact address for her. I was very sorry to hear about the fire - how exactly did it happen - Fee never clearly explained it.
Simon Yeti x
Tom's reply was brief and to the point.
Simon,
I don't know where she is. She cleared off after the fire and the Police are still looking for her. I know she's a friend of yours - but she's to blame for all this damage - I wasn't even in the country at the time...
Tom
So I was right then... No wonder she was acting strangely...
My second reply came in seconds later - before I'd barely had time to take in the implications... No matter how surprised and unnerved I was to have my worries confirmed - I would never have predicted the news that arrived from her boss, Dr Pyre.
Dear Simon,
I am taking you into my confidence here. I urgently need to speak with you or meet you to discuss this matter. I have not seen Fee in weeks and we have been trying to find her ever since the fire at the flat she shared near to my laboratory... There is something I have to tell you and I don't like doing it here - but you must take this in and then call me immediately on 01876 658421 - especially if you have any idea as to her current whereabouts. From the sound of your email it would seem that Fee has inferred to you that she worked with me at my lab - this is not strictly true... It would be fairer to say that I work on her at the lab... She is an incredibly unique being Simon... I know you will find this hard to take in - but it does explain the fire at the flat...
Your friend Felicity is a Phoenix...
SIMON WILL POST AGAIN TOMORROW... STAY TUNED...
SIMON YETI IS MANAGED BY SHY YETI MANAGEMENT, COPYRIGHT BEECHES 2003.
I don't know what this is - OR what it does... So don't blame me if installing their software blows up your computer. It just looked - odd... And they mentioned Yetis and there's a nice piccie of one of the Banana Splits and a Wooky! So hey! Can't be all bad can it?
Afternoon Readers...
So... I'm back home... It's monday and... Had quite a busy weekend actually... It's all been rather odd... I have sorted out quite a few things with Fee... Things which I certainly didn't know all those years we've been writing... Things I certainly hadn't learnt when I last posted to you! It all began after I said goodbye...
Friday afternoon...
Matron was so pleased to get rid of me that she'd arranged that I'd be escorted from the building by skinheads carrying baseball bats... (Were these to beat off all my fans of which I only saw a couple of you! Hello boys! Or were they actually there to beat me up had I decided to turn around and come back inside...) Whichever she had arranged for Security to lock the doors firmly behind me once I'd gone...
Shy was waiting for me in a taxi and as we drove home he showed me a couple of jobs I'd been offered... One was for a sadistic "Big Brother" style revival of the old early 80s television quiz show "The Adventure Game" - although I used to enjoy the programme in it's original format (and was a big fan of talking aspidistras back then), I'm not sure it's really for me. They wanted me to scare people quite literally to death and I'm having no part in that. It sounds terribly cruel. Shy informs me that Margaret Thatcher and Timmy Mallett were also lined up for this so I doubt I'd have got it anyway. I was also offered something on Radio - but I tend not to do much Radio work these days cos I've put on a weeny bit of weight and last time I did I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again I got wedged in the doorway and the whole programme had to be recorded out in the car park.
Oh - and I have had a letter regarding my post from friday - from a Mr C Handler who says; "Loved the poems... Please post the one you mentioned about the werewolf... My best friend's dad is a werewolf and would be really keen to see this verse..."
I'm not so sure he will when he reads it - but I will post it all the same...
(HE WAS) JUST AN EVERYDAY WEREWOLF…
He was just an everyday werewolf…
It’s not something for which he was proud!
There are loads of regulations…
And swearing’s not allowed!!
He was just an everyday werewolf…
Let’s be blunt -
It is not a pleasant life!
He couldn’t get a mortgage! -
And accidentally ate his wife!
Being beastly after darkness -
Left him tired in the day…
And he looked a tad unshaven…
At the tills in C&A!
It is very inconvenient…
For such a guy to have a curse…
And our friend was vegetarian!
Which made it even worse!!!
He was just an everyday werewolf…
Let’s not pretend he was anything less…
The postman would not deliver -
To his current home address…
The milkman got the jitters…
The baker dropped his loaves!
The priest was low on silver bullets -
And had only garlic cloves!
It wasn’t very friendly…
“Love thy neighbour…” - it was not…
Always tried to kill away from home -
Though sometimes he forgot!
He was just an everyday werewolf…
It’s the truth - let’s not be coy…
Lycanthropy is SO unsocial!
Which was beginning to annoy…
Sadly, any moon shaped objects -
Would make the kid see red…
An orange or a grapefruit -
A shiny bald man’s head…
When he tried to set the vid-eo…
He’d come over kind of strange!
He was always missing Corrie…
I.T.V. caused him to change…
He was just an everyday werewolf…
So, let’s not gloss around the truth…
But one night he came a cropper -
Despite his sharpened tooth!
He was on his way home from the bingo…
When he felt peckish - though nearly back!
A passing traffic warden -
Seemed quite the perfect snack!
But alas she gave him his ticket and -
Then she swiftly Judo chopped…
Battered him dead with her clip board…
His werewolf days abruptly stopped!
He was just an everyday werewolf…
Met his death along the way…
Folk simply don’t like Were-beasts -
No matter what they say! :-)
COPYRIGHT SHY YETI - 2003 BEECHES PUBLICATIONS
FROM GO 4TH AND DIVIDE...
I do hope that nothing quite so violent happens to your friends Father, Mr Handler... Errr... Hope you enjoyed the poem anyway! Good moral to that one - there's a real message in there... Somewhere. Of course, werewolves do get a bad press I'll totally agree - some of my best friends are... actually - scrub that - the only werewolf I ever met tried to con me out of a battered sausage and I'd hardly call that the action of a friend.
So anyway... There we were in the taxi - heading back home past the Heath when I spotted something and called to the driver to slowdown...
It was Fee - and she seemed to be trying to climb up a tree and appeared to be in the process of stealing eggs from a nest...
For just a second I did consider jumping from the taxi and demanding to know what on earth she was up to... But I didn't... All of a sudden I felt myself becoming more and more concerned for the fate of my flat...
It was still there I am glad to say... Although I could tell she'd been moving things about...
Why hadn't she come to see me in hospital? Where had she been the night of the attack? What on earth had she been doing up that tree on Hampstead Heath?
I planned to ask her when she got home...
But that night there was no sign of her at all...
Saturday....
By saturday morning there was a complete change around...
I was up late - but there she was - Fee - dusting things... She was bright and breezy and jolly and - well - mostly as normal as she had been on her first day with me...
"Where have you been?" I asked her... "I've been in hospital! Didn't you see Mrs Mara's note..."
Fee looked a bit vague, "I couldn't read her handwriting - I thought she had written it in Swedish..."
I looked at her, disbelievingly - very hard and very crossly - but she wouldn't make eye contact, "BUt where have you been? I was worried..."
"I was at the cinema..." she replied matterof factly, "At a movie marathon..."
"For 5 DAYS!!!"
"Pretty much, yes... 4 days... I fell asleep - I was very tired..." I didn't know what to say... "I might go back later - try a different cinema..."
It seemed pretty darn unlikely - and yet something niggled in the back of my mind... Something I couldn't place... An article read in yesterday's paper whilst lounging around the hospital Rec room before being discharged.
"I went to see Calendar Girls and Kill Bill..." she was saying, "Would you like to join me?"
"No thank you..." I said...
Those two particular films made me a feel a little upset - no matter how good they might be. A friend and myself had sent in a draft for a film suspiciously similar to Calendar Girls - a story based on the true story of a group of Yetis on the Isle of Wight who had grouped together to produce a naked furry calendar for disadvantaged bears in Tanzania. I was told, when we sent in our first draft of the script that nobody would be interested... Seems he was wrong though... Odd how the two stories are so similar though - or am I just being ultra-cynical?!
As for Kill Bill - I actually had a cameo in that at one stage... Until I ended up on the cutting room floor - with another member of the cast... My fault I admit! I was drunk! Quentin got jealous and sacked me... Still it's his loss! I was to have been Yeti Grand Master who taught Uma's character (The Bride) tall the tricks she knew. There was also to have been another scene where I entered a break dancing contest with some ducks in Peking. Well it wasn't to be... You can just about see me in the scene where Uma dispatches Lucy Liu in the snowy garden scene - I'm there having a sleep by the water feature - but Quentin hadn't spotted me. I was totally off my head on Chop Suey and the snow had covered me up but you can just about spot my feet sticking out. Waiting til it comes out on DVD - it'll be easier to free-frame then, unless they paintbox me out now I've brought their attention to it...
One for the continuity experts, me thinks...
Anyway - back at my flat I waited for Fee to leave for the cinema before deciding on my actions... I took my spare key and went to her bedroom... Once inside it was like a sauna, once again - even more so than the first time I'd gone to speak with her. I had a few questions I needed answering and I wasn't going to get the answers from Fee herself...
I found her address book - I scribbled down a couple of numbers and it was whilst I was doing that that I found a small silk lined box - and in it I there were some eggs... They were a firey orange colour and warm to the touch... Whatever they were - whatever was contained they didn't look to me like any ordinary, everyday egg that one would find down at Tescos - let along in a tree on Hampstead Heath...
I'm no bird expert but I didn't think she'd be making omelettes with those...
Guiltily I replaced the box - sweating due to the sheer heat... Although I'd originally suspected that this was due to a faulty temperature gauge - having heard the verdict from the experts I was beginning to think that the whole problem was directly linked to Fee herself...
I sat down at the PC - I'd noted down a couple of email addresses...
One was her former flat mate...
One was her current boss...
Was I really going to mail them? Was I really going to spy on my friend... Fee - who I'd written to for years... Who I thought I knew so well and yet had never met...
It was then I caught sight of the local newspaper - the same paper I had been reading yesterday morning in the hospital... A paper with the headline...
MYSTERIOUS FIRE IN LOCAL CINEMA
It took me less than a minute to confirm that this, indeed, was the same cinema that Fee had been having her supposed "Movie Marathon..."
I had to be sure... I had to speak to her boss - her old flatmate... This story about the flat burning down - I had only heard her side of the story... What if she had been the one responsible... What if? But surely not... All the same - until I'd spoken to someone who knew her better than I did I couldn't help but point the finger... The bedroom - the flat fire - the cinema fire - her weird behaviour... It rather looked as if I was living with some kind of arsonist...
I had to know the truth...
Sunday...
I sat up late that night and well into Sunday morning... And yet Fee never returned from her afternoon trip to the cinema... (How many had she visited? Had any others been burnt to the ground? I had found no stubs to actually place her at the scene of the crime - I had no proof to implicate her in any wrong doing... Was I the mad one? Was I going loopy as a result of my fall onto the fleeing Kylie Impersonator...)
I was beginning to give up hope of any reply to my emails... I hadn't had the courage to phone them - but it was way past midnight - no-one would be sending emails at that time of the day...
Except they were...
The first reply came from her ex-flatmate...
Hi Tom, (I had written) I believe we have a mutual friend in one Felicity Nicks. She was staying with me recently and left her address book. I found your email address and wondered whether you had a contact address for her. I was very sorry to hear about the fire - how exactly did it happen - Fee never clearly explained it.
Simon Yeti x
Tom's reply was brief and to the point.
Simon,
I don't know where she is. She cleared off after the fire and the Police are still looking for her. I know she's a friend of yours - but she's to blame for all this damage - I wasn't even in the country at the time...
Tom
So I was right then... No wonder she was acting strangely...
My second reply came in seconds later - before I'd barely had time to take in the implications... No matter how surprised and unnerved I was to have my worries confirmed - I would never have predicted the news that arrived from her boss, Dr Pyre.
Dear Simon,
I am taking you into my confidence here. I urgently need to speak with you or meet you to discuss this matter. I have not seen Fee in weeks and we have been trying to find her ever since the fire at the flat she shared near to my laboratory... There is something I have to tell you and I don't like doing it here - but you must take this in and then call me immediately on 01876 658421 - especially if you have any idea as to her current whereabouts. From the sound of your email it would seem that Fee has inferred to you that she worked with me at my lab - this is not strictly true... It would be fairer to say that I work on her at the lab... She is an incredibly unique being Simon... I know you will find this hard to take in - but it does explain the fire at the flat...
Your friend Felicity is a Phoenix...
SIMON WILL POST AGAIN TOMORROW... STAY TUNED...
SIMON YETI IS MANAGED BY SHY YETI MANAGEMENT, COPYRIGHT BEECHES 2003.
Friday, October 24, 2003
My Dear Readers...
I will have to be slightly brief with you today I'm afraid... I am about to transferred from the infernal hell hole back to civilian life and hence my time is rather limited. I have also been booted out of Matron Goerring's office despite the fact that she went off sick after exerting herself WAY too much yesterday! Bless her... So I am back on the crappy PCs in the Rec Room. Apologies for any typos today as well - no time to edit myself - just typing real quick and with my furry paws - that's a pretty mean feat.
As I may have indicated - this is going to be a short post. But as this is the case I promised Shy that I would pop a couple of his lovely poems in today to bulk things up a bit...
This is one of Shy's faves and I must say, one of mine too... The title is especially apt I think... :-)
FURRY FROM THE DEEP!!!
They had seen the first hint of invasion…
They had watched from the hills to the sea…
They had seen the space ship low descending…
As they gathered to watch at the quay…
The tides frothed with brutal intentions –
And a light scanned the oceans below…
The waters grew rougher and rougher –
And boiled with a fierce undertow!
In the town, by the quay – all was silent…
As the local’s knew not what to do…
On the beaches they waited – just watching…
What would become of them nobody knew!
The sky burst with storm high above them…
The light in the sea growing dim…
Judgement Day – close – had now come a-calling…
With a future that looked pretty grim…
But – just as soon as it started – concluded…
And the skies cleared a wondrous blue!
All eyes, though, were still on the waters…
For a sight of that U.F.O. crew…
For a time there was nothing – no movement…
The sea lay as calm as a pond…
But then suddenly – bubbles emerging…
With shapes rising up from the beyond…
There were screams – there were cries – there was horror!
As they watched the shapes moving beneath…
They were all visualizing a terror…
Twelve foot tall and with 16-inch teeth!
They imagined an army of beasties…
With a way gruesome glare in their eyes…
Cold-blooded and ready to eat them…
What emerged then was quite a surprise!
What emerged then was just not expected…
Not an alien hulk – tooth and claw…
The reaction not more cries or screaming…
Just a loud and affectionate…
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!
They weren’t ugly like Frankenstein’s Monster -
Or some horrible blood sucking THING!
For in truth they were actually quite lovely!
Pink and fluffy like rabbits in spring!
As the creatures came slowly towards them –
The Vicar’s wife let out a hoot!!
“Oh how sweet!” she was heard then to mutter…
“They’ve got dimples! How terribly cute!!!”
The reaction was echoed by others…
These new beings looked cuddly – like bears!
The Villagers began waving now – gaily!
Relieved and relaxed – without cares!
Caught up in excitement they revelled!
The Locals not fearing their fate…
“Alien invasions can be rather jolly!”
THEY ALL SAW THE BIG GUNS JUST TOO LATE!!!
How quaint... But they can be like that - alien's you know...
There are a few others I could post and may well do over the next week or so. One I especially adore involves a Werewolf - but there is another which mentions a Yeti - so I think we'll slot that in at the end of this.
May I just say - whilst I still remember - that I'd like to thank all those of you who wrote in to say how much you enjoyed my last two solo postings. (Since we retired poor Shy... Awww!) I had a lovely letter saying how much yesterday's posting was especially enjoyable. Thank you for that, mum...
Yesterday's posting was, of course, the one where I answered a lot of your questions about Dr Who...
Steve M of Oxford had a few problems with his server at work which inferred that there might have been bad language included... (Not deliberately I'll assure you...) Having finally got a chance to read my words of wisdom he posted Shy the following comment...
Read all about your hairy friend. Couldn't spot any profanity.
Seems he's something of a celebrity in certain circles. Are they genuine questions emailed in?
Loved the understated Sharon Stone reference!
Thank you Steve, if I could just answer you here... I am hairy - and I am Shy's friend - but the name is Simon - Sir to you. But we'll let your casualness go by unpunished just this once! (GRRR! I'm joking!) A celebrity? I couldn't possibly comment... You obviously don't watch much television, fella. With the price of housing being so inflated in the Oxford area I can understand that. Get yerself a little portable maybe? huh? Bless him... He's probably too young to have seen me at my best... Are they genuine questions? OF COURSE! Was yours? Of course it was...
Keep taking the tablets love... Don't go watching that Sharon Stone scene too many times just to try and spot me - you'll get square eyes - or a slap round the chops from Ms Stone. Awwww. He is trying to understand... You can see it in his eyes - but things just aren't quite connecting yet are they... Well Steve - let me just say - you'll get there eventually... Awwww. I'm sure he's very nice really. Infact I know he is - he's my accountant. :-) Cheque's in the post, Mr! ;-)
Well now... Time is getting on but I reckon there is still time for me to recommend a link... So here we go...
http://www.yakandyeti.com/
This is a site that advertises are rather endearingly named hotel HOTEL YAK AND YETI in Kathmandu, Nepal. I have never been there myself - being that I am an Isle Of Wight born and bred furry critter - but if I ever go to that part of the world then you can be assured that this is where I'll be checking in. I must say the rooms do look really rather lovely and there is mention of mini-bar and a television which shows BBC television. Isn't it nice to know that one can go away and yet still have the opportunity of watching Kilroy and all the other quality tv that's made on the Station. Whenever they get around to making some...
Which reminds me - I have an audition - but it's not for at least a week or so... Not BBC this time - but I'm rather excited because it's Corrie!!! I had a bit part back in '75 as a novelty bra that Pat Phoenix wore for a couple of episodes - but since then, well - our paths just haven't crossed. Maybe they were worried that people would recognise me. Still! Seems they're keen to get me for this particular part - as Fred Eliot's long lost brother, Ern. How fab is that! As I say - I do have to audition but they said the part is mine... My good pal Cribbins tipped me off of course... He is a treasure. Shame though - I don't think I'll get to work with him. He was playing a character quite recently but I think that storyline has come to an end now... Last time I worked with him was on Jack-a-nory... He read Peter And The Wolf and I did the growling noises off camera...
Oh - and I was offered a Panto this year - but I really don't fancy it... I don't think I'm reduced to that sort of thing yet - and I wouldn't want anyone thinking I was doing quite so badly - what with my application still pending for the part of The Doctor. The Panto itself was JACK AND THE BEANSTALK and I think Una Stubbs and darling Wayne Sleep were involved somewhere along the way - but it really wasn't me. Bless them - they even offered to change the title to YETI AND THE FURSTALK but I suggested that perhaps that might get the show and X-rating and turned down the offer.
I DO hope I've made the right decision... Panto is reasonable work if you want a regular income over the Christmas Period - but I prefer to go away during the festive season. You know - Lake District - scaring walkers by lumbering out of bushes at them...
Anyway - let you know more on that as I hear it...
I really am going to have to nip off in a minute - I think my taxi has arrived and I haven't even packed. Planning on taking it easy this weekend. Heard NOT A WORD from Fee. So I'm going to have to give her a pretty good talking to. I don't understand what she's playing at... She must know I've been ill... I do hope she's okay...
I promised you another one of Shy's poems - this is the one that mentions the Yeti in it...
I shall leave you to enjoy and promise you and bumber issue post on monday, detailing any excitements that have occurred over the weekend.
Take care and have fabulous fun dear people.
Cyas.
Si xxx
EXIT, PURSUED BY A YETI.
Exit, pursued by a Yeti!!
Exit, pursued by a Bear!!
And not a pleasant one neither -
But one with bad teeth and no hair!!
Exit pursued by a Mongoose!! -
All moody, with mad staring eyes…
One you’d not trust with your Granny!
One who tells huge whopping lies!!
Exit pursued by a Kitten!!
Soft and furry, but sharp as cut glass…
Being chased by a three-legged Camel!! -
Who does tricks for the tourists who pass…
Exit pursued by prized rhubarb!! -
In a coating of lightly fried cheese…
Pursued by a Troll in an Igloo!! –
Who resides in my neighbour’s deep freeze…
Exit, pursued by a Wombat!! -
But a small one that bats for both sides!
Nearly squashed by a chain-smoking Cyclops!! -
And a knife-welding pack of Girl Guides!!
You’re pursued – never-endingly hounded…
By odd beasts who might eat you for lunch!!
It is nice to be loved so and wanted… -
But not when fame comes with a crunch!!
Exit, pursued by a Yeti…
Exit, pursued by a Bear…
Exit pursued by a Mongoose…
From it’s sinister underground lair!
Exit pursued by a Kitten…
One with no love for its mother –
Lock them all in a cupboard together…
And with luck they might kill one another!!!
FURRY FROM THE DEEP and EXIT, PURSUED BY A YETI are COPYRIGHT BEECHES PUBLICATIONS, 2003. BOTH are from Shy Yeti's 4th Collection: GO 4TH & DIVIDE... Information about how to purchase copies of this and other examples of his work can be found on his website: www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.com
SIMON YETI IS MANAGED BY SHY YETI MANAGEMENT, COPYRIGHT BEECHES 2003.
I will have to be slightly brief with you today I'm afraid... I am about to transferred from the infernal hell hole back to civilian life and hence my time is rather limited. I have also been booted out of Matron Goerring's office despite the fact that she went off sick after exerting herself WAY too much yesterday! Bless her... So I am back on the crappy PCs in the Rec Room. Apologies for any typos today as well - no time to edit myself - just typing real quick and with my furry paws - that's a pretty mean feat.
As I may have indicated - this is going to be a short post. But as this is the case I promised Shy that I would pop a couple of his lovely poems in today to bulk things up a bit...
This is one of Shy's faves and I must say, one of mine too... The title is especially apt I think... :-)
FURRY FROM THE DEEP!!!
They had seen the first hint of invasion…
They had watched from the hills to the sea…
They had seen the space ship low descending…
As they gathered to watch at the quay…
The tides frothed with brutal intentions –
And a light scanned the oceans below…
The waters grew rougher and rougher –
And boiled with a fierce undertow!
In the town, by the quay – all was silent…
As the local’s knew not what to do…
On the beaches they waited – just watching…
What would become of them nobody knew!
The sky burst with storm high above them…
The light in the sea growing dim…
Judgement Day – close – had now come a-calling…
With a future that looked pretty grim…
But – just as soon as it started – concluded…
And the skies cleared a wondrous blue!
All eyes, though, were still on the waters…
For a sight of that U.F.O. crew…
For a time there was nothing – no movement…
The sea lay as calm as a pond…
But then suddenly – bubbles emerging…
With shapes rising up from the beyond…
There were screams – there were cries – there was horror!
As they watched the shapes moving beneath…
They were all visualizing a terror…
Twelve foot tall and with 16-inch teeth!
They imagined an army of beasties…
With a way gruesome glare in their eyes…
Cold-blooded and ready to eat them…
What emerged then was quite a surprise!
What emerged then was just not expected…
Not an alien hulk – tooth and claw…
The reaction not more cries or screaming…
Just a loud and affectionate…
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!
They weren’t ugly like Frankenstein’s Monster -
Or some horrible blood sucking THING!
For in truth they were actually quite lovely!
Pink and fluffy like rabbits in spring!
As the creatures came slowly towards them –
The Vicar’s wife let out a hoot!!
“Oh how sweet!” she was heard then to mutter…
“They’ve got dimples! How terribly cute!!!”
The reaction was echoed by others…
These new beings looked cuddly – like bears!
The Villagers began waving now – gaily!
Relieved and relaxed – without cares!
Caught up in excitement they revelled!
The Locals not fearing their fate…
“Alien invasions can be rather jolly!”
THEY ALL SAW THE BIG GUNS JUST TOO LATE!!!
How quaint... But they can be like that - alien's you know...
There are a few others I could post and may well do over the next week or so. One I especially adore involves a Werewolf - but there is another which mentions a Yeti - so I think we'll slot that in at the end of this.
May I just say - whilst I still remember - that I'd like to thank all those of you who wrote in to say how much you enjoyed my last two solo postings. (Since we retired poor Shy... Awww!) I had a lovely letter saying how much yesterday's posting was especially enjoyable. Thank you for that, mum...
Yesterday's posting was, of course, the one where I answered a lot of your questions about Dr Who...
Steve M of Oxford had a few problems with his server at work which inferred that there might have been bad language included... (Not deliberately I'll assure you...) Having finally got a chance to read my words of wisdom he posted Shy the following comment...
Read all about your hairy friend. Couldn't spot any profanity.
Seems he's something of a celebrity in certain circles. Are they genuine questions emailed in?
Loved the understated Sharon Stone reference!
Thank you Steve, if I could just answer you here... I am hairy - and I am Shy's friend - but the name is Simon - Sir to you. But we'll let your casualness go by unpunished just this once! (GRRR! I'm joking!) A celebrity? I couldn't possibly comment... You obviously don't watch much television, fella. With the price of housing being so inflated in the Oxford area I can understand that. Get yerself a little portable maybe? huh? Bless him... He's probably too young to have seen me at my best... Are they genuine questions? OF COURSE! Was yours? Of course it was...
Keep taking the tablets love... Don't go watching that Sharon Stone scene too many times just to try and spot me - you'll get square eyes - or a slap round the chops from Ms Stone. Awwww. He is trying to understand... You can see it in his eyes - but things just aren't quite connecting yet are they... Well Steve - let me just say - you'll get there eventually... Awwww. I'm sure he's very nice really. Infact I know he is - he's my accountant. :-) Cheque's in the post, Mr! ;-)
Well now... Time is getting on but I reckon there is still time for me to recommend a link... So here we go...
http://www.yakandyeti.com/
This is a site that advertises are rather endearingly named hotel HOTEL YAK AND YETI in Kathmandu, Nepal. I have never been there myself - being that I am an Isle Of Wight born and bred furry critter - but if I ever go to that part of the world then you can be assured that this is where I'll be checking in. I must say the rooms do look really rather lovely and there is mention of mini-bar and a television which shows BBC television. Isn't it nice to know that one can go away and yet still have the opportunity of watching Kilroy and all the other quality tv that's made on the Station. Whenever they get around to making some...
Which reminds me - I have an audition - but it's not for at least a week or so... Not BBC this time - but I'm rather excited because it's Corrie!!! I had a bit part back in '75 as a novelty bra that Pat Phoenix wore for a couple of episodes - but since then, well - our paths just haven't crossed. Maybe they were worried that people would recognise me. Still! Seems they're keen to get me for this particular part - as Fred Eliot's long lost brother, Ern. How fab is that! As I say - I do have to audition but they said the part is mine... My good pal Cribbins tipped me off of course... He is a treasure. Shame though - I don't think I'll get to work with him. He was playing a character quite recently but I think that storyline has come to an end now... Last time I worked with him was on Jack-a-nory... He read Peter And The Wolf and I did the growling noises off camera...
Oh - and I was offered a Panto this year - but I really don't fancy it... I don't think I'm reduced to that sort of thing yet - and I wouldn't want anyone thinking I was doing quite so badly - what with my application still pending for the part of The Doctor. The Panto itself was JACK AND THE BEANSTALK and I think Una Stubbs and darling Wayne Sleep were involved somewhere along the way - but it really wasn't me. Bless them - they even offered to change the title to YETI AND THE FURSTALK but I suggested that perhaps that might get the show and X-rating and turned down the offer.
I DO hope I've made the right decision... Panto is reasonable work if you want a regular income over the Christmas Period - but I prefer to go away during the festive season. You know - Lake District - scaring walkers by lumbering out of bushes at them...
Anyway - let you know more on that as I hear it...
I really am going to have to nip off in a minute - I think my taxi has arrived and I haven't even packed. Planning on taking it easy this weekend. Heard NOT A WORD from Fee. So I'm going to have to give her a pretty good talking to. I don't understand what she's playing at... She must know I've been ill... I do hope she's okay...
I promised you another one of Shy's poems - this is the one that mentions the Yeti in it...
I shall leave you to enjoy and promise you and bumber issue post on monday, detailing any excitements that have occurred over the weekend.
Take care and have fabulous fun dear people.
Cyas.
Si xxx
EXIT, PURSUED BY A YETI.
Exit, pursued by a Yeti!!
Exit, pursued by a Bear!!
And not a pleasant one neither -
But one with bad teeth and no hair!!
Exit pursued by a Mongoose!! -
All moody, with mad staring eyes…
One you’d not trust with your Granny!
One who tells huge whopping lies!!
Exit pursued by a Kitten!!
Soft and furry, but sharp as cut glass…
Being chased by a three-legged Camel!! -
Who does tricks for the tourists who pass…
Exit pursued by prized rhubarb!! -
In a coating of lightly fried cheese…
Pursued by a Troll in an Igloo!! –
Who resides in my neighbour’s deep freeze…
Exit, pursued by a Wombat!! -
But a small one that bats for both sides!
Nearly squashed by a chain-smoking Cyclops!! -
And a knife-welding pack of Girl Guides!!
You’re pursued – never-endingly hounded…
By odd beasts who might eat you for lunch!!
It is nice to be loved so and wanted… -
But not when fame comes with a crunch!!
Exit, pursued by a Yeti…
Exit, pursued by a Bear…
Exit pursued by a Mongoose…
From it’s sinister underground lair!
Exit pursued by a Kitten…
One with no love for its mother –
Lock them all in a cupboard together…
And with luck they might kill one another!!!
FURRY FROM THE DEEP and EXIT, PURSUED BY A YETI are COPYRIGHT BEECHES PUBLICATIONS, 2003. BOTH are from Shy Yeti's 4th Collection: GO 4TH & DIVIDE... Information about how to purchase copies of this and other examples of his work can be found on his website: www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.com
SIMON YETI IS MANAGED BY SHY YETI MANAGEMENT, COPYRIGHT BEECHES 2003.
Thursday, October 23, 2003
Yeti link of the day: http://www.pbs.org/edens/bhutan/a_migo.htm
More interesting tales of alternative Yeti culture... :-)
Afternoon Readers...
I shan't be waffling on as much today as usual - as I'm sure you'll remember I am still laid up in hospital but expect to be set free tomorrow. Still no visit from Fee and I even asked Mrs Mara to pop down to leave her a message. Well, she did - but there was no sign of Fee...
I apologise for posting late... It's been a bit hectic at the mo...
I'm really not getting on at all well with Matron Goerring - she either recognises me off telly or fancies me or both. She keeps peeping around the curtains when I'm changing and has tried to take my temperature (with a cucumber) at least 7 times today... There's a lot more I could tell you - but I'll save that for when I'm discharged... I have other things to get done today!
Let me see... Enough of this - I'm here to answer your questions... I have a number here - if there are any I leave out then I'm quite happy to answer some more at a later date... Let me just say - not ALL the questions are Who related... But that's not a problem... Diversity is GOOD! Still nothing back from the Beeb by the way - re: whether they want me to screen test for the lead in the new series... Anyway...
Quick links to my stories : http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/doctorwho/episodeguide/abominablesnowmen/
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/doctorwho/episodeguide/weboffear/
Question Number 1 is from a gentleman named Stephen - who I gather is rather a big fan of the series... Let's see if I can't help him with his enquiry...
1. a. I was wondering if Simon Yeti could cast some light over the proposed third and final Yeti tale for Season 6, which never actually occurred...
Ahhh yes! I remember it well... Well I don't cos it didn't happen - but you know what I mean! I believe it concerned the Yeti's being invaded by Turkish Drag-artistes who needed some Great Intelligence to devise a new format for their act... I THINK that's what the story was... OR maybe it was just another of my rather bizarre dreams...
Still - sounds promising either way - but maybe a bit advanced for the late 60s. I believe Mick Jagger was to have been cast as a nun with Marianne Faithful as Yeti Number 2 who had a obsessive compulsion for Mars Bars. I'm not sure QUITE where the Doctor was to have become involved - but I vaguely recall the infamous "Dance of the 7 Veils Scene" and that Troughton had been practising for that almost to perfection before they pulled the script.
b. Is it true this was set in the Highlands?
Errr. No... I believe it was Margate. With some O.B. work in Clacton.
c. How are his relations with the writers of both of his stories? ;-)
Merv and Henry were just EXCELLENT. They were such fabulous professionals - never got the credit they deserved. A lot of people at the BBC never realised that before writing anything they visited real Yeti communities in Portsmouth and Scunthorpe... And the lines... What a scream!!
Do any of you remember the Yeti that appeared in episode One of Web Of Fear - in the museum? Wasn't the characterisation marvellous - I SO wanted that role - but my friend Tarquin got it in the end... All that grrrring and growling - had me in fits... The Galton and Simpson of Yeti writing... I mean you can't see it now cos the tapes don't exist - but some of the Yeti lines in the later episodes - some of the facial acting - pure Victoria Wood it was...
"GROWWWWWLLLLLL!"
"GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"
"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOF"
"WOOOOOF?"
"YEAH - NO - I MEAN GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR..."
It still brings tears to my eyes - how the team coped with us with lines like that... Frazer Hines was so envious! Of course the guys did my one man show back in the early 70s... ARE WE THERE, YETI???? Oh - that was a hoot... It was actually rather like those Alan Bennett Talking Heads things - monologues... He copied us actually, bless him - but he did it so well... I had to wear a tutu - it was wonderful... Course I was off my head on Sherbet Dibdabs in those days... It was the 70s... Bowie and I were VERY GOOD friends. Awww..... Happy times!
Question Number 2 is from a gentlemen known only as Jimbo and he asks me the following...
2. What do you wash your fur with? Lavender and ylang ylang conditioner is the word on the street...
Well I don't like to give away all my secrets - but yes - lavender and ylang ylang is involved along the way - as is the blubber of BBC children's presenters and mud from the Blue Peter Garden. And no it wasn't me who vandelised it all those years back... Some of what keeps me looking so good is just natural Yeti good genes - a healthy love life also contributes, but of course a good deal of it is just five hours hard work down the BBC bar of a lunchtime...
Our third question comes from a Mr A. Townsend of London who says...
3. I have very much been enjoying the escapades of Simon Yeti, and thank Shy for making us aware of them. I would ask Simon a question or two...
a. Is he a native of Tibet who emmigrated?
I actually did emmigrate. My family come from the Isle of Wight and I made the trip across the Solent in the late 50s. Although, by human terms I am well into my 60s by now - that in Yeti years is still very young... Most of us live to be well into our 500s! :-) I'm still a babe... (As I'm occasionally told by flirty bearded ladies in Soho!)
b. Are there any famous people who are really Yeti but keep it a secret that he knows of?
Benny from ABBA was probably the most famous. There are a few others but I'm not sure I should tell you... Dame Nelly Melba was born a Yeti but had the treatment cos it was rather frowned upon in those days... Oh - and Whigfield. Bizarrely.
c. What is the best way to remove persistant stains from fur coats? My faux fur wrap is looking a little bedraggled these days ;c)
Black paint. That's the way I deal with stains. Just paint the coat black or alternatively dye it a dark blue. Careful not to brush up against people if you paint it though cos it takes a while to dry...
My 4th Question comes from a Mr I Mansfield from Folkestone. Infact he wrote directly to me so I have included the full transcript...
4. Dear Mr Yeti,
I have been reading your online blog with interest for a few days now, and I've been fascinated by all the tales from your Doctor Who days. I'm currently in training as a bear keeper and I have a question regarding fur. I know that Yeti's, like bears, do occasionally have trouble keeping their fur looking in tip-top shape, and I was just wondering about your time on Doctor Who. Did you ever end up with singed or burnt fur, you know, what with all those dodgy looking pyrotechnics flying about on set? If so, how did you deal with the problem, just in case I ever encounter the same problem during my bear apprenticeship.
Also, I'd be grateful of any more fur-care tips if you have any.
Best wishes,
Ian Mansfield (trainee bear keeper)
Thank you Ian... Well - I think I've given over a few tips earlier when Jimbo asked about fur - but I will tell you a bit about what to do with singed or burnt fur... In my own experience all I did was sneak up on a commuter on the Underground - mainly long haired women or hippies and I took a pair of scissors and stole some of their hair and then patched it over my own burnt or singed Yeti fur. Sometimes it gave a rather patchwork effect - but overall it was quite successful.
I do recall a time when we were filming in the Underground during Web of Fear when they forgot to stop the trains and we all got run over... How we laughed... But afterwards we cried too quite a bit cos it was all rather painful.
Still - none of this was as bad as what happened to my friend Marty the Mutant who had a bit of spaceship fall on him. Also - Bruce who played the character of Morbius in the 1976 Brain Of Morbius story found himself set on fire in one scene and he hasn't worked since... In those days - as long as they got the shots they wanted - there was no life insurance to fall back on if you were a monster artiste...
Thankfully things have changed. Last year I singed 12 whiskers whilst making an episode of the dreadful "My Family" - but was compensated £12.50 in damages. Thank goodness it's not like it was in the 60s and 70s that's all I can say! Good luck to you Ian in your bear-keeping... Bears are rather more wooly than Yeti's and tend to try and eat people - but otherwise can be very generous and loving to work with...
Question Number 5 comes from a Mr Ceri Laing who makes the following comment...
"I'm enjoying the adventures in the artistic world of Mr. Yeti, very insightful!"
Thankyou, Sir. Ceri passes on his appreciation of what we have been posting and poses the following questions...
5. a. Did Simon have anything to do with the Nigel Kneale 'The Creature' BBC serial from the 50s, which was an inspiration for The Abominable Snowmen and starred Peter Cushing.
Alas no. Although I think my Auntie Jean may well have been an influence... Ceri also adds;
...I suppose he was too young...
CHARMER!!! ;-) Not at all - but I was still living in the Isle of Wight during the 50s - infact I was probably still at Fur College...
...Maybe he knew the actors who were involved or maybe he was involved in the later film version which also starred Cushing.
As I say, Auntie Jean was quite probably an influence - as for the film - I wasn't involved because I believe I was auditioning for a presenter role on Blue Peter and missed out... Of course I had hoped to work with Nigel and am a big fan of all his Quatermass work, Year Of The Sex Olympics and Stone Tapes but then I rather lost respect for him when he started slagging off Dr Who. Admittedly Who did rather steal from his work - but - well - I was protective of my work there then - before I realised they'd erased most of it, that is!!! Anyway - I did audition for the role of Kinvig but didn't get that - and after that - well - the opportunity never arose again...
b. Come to think of it has Simon had any major film roles or any gossip/anecdotes he could share with us about the film stars he may have worked with?
Ummm. The list is endless - I was the dog in Digby The Biggest Dog In The World and I donned a cartoon costume to play the Dragon in Pete's Dragon... I was also Sharon Stone's stunt double for a certain scene in Basic Instinct... Maybe another time I'll be able to talk more about some of my other roles - but I fear I'm running out of space and I can see Matron waving frantically to gain my attention. (I gave up on the PCs in the Rec room and have locked myself in her office to get this posting done...) As for anecdotes... Well I remember the time I was mistaken for Audrey Hepburn on the set of My Fair Lady... I was stoned and didn't know what the heck I was doing cos I'd been out all night with Caine and Connery and... Well, anyway - we'd been filming 5 days before they realised Audrey had locked herself in the Ladies Lav all week... What a scream... They weren't half cross...
Time for a couple more... I think Matron is calling the orderlies to come in and break the door down... Quick-quick... I'm not sure who sent these two in and I haven't time to find out...
6. Is it true that John Levene who later played Sergeant Benton appeared in The Web Of Fear as a Yeti... What was it like having him inside you?
I don't really understand this question... I don't believe we've actually worked together in quite that capacity... You must mean a Yeti costume - which I am not - being an actual real life Yeti n all... A chap in a Yeti costume rings a bell now I think of it... Ahhh... I do believe that was a prank arranged by Frazer and Patrick. There was a Yeti amongst our ranks who was infact played by a gentleman in a Yeti suit... He was very convincing - and I didn't find out about it until my Sister made a pass at him at the after production party. (My sister Suzie worked in make-up for that show and my brother Derek had a stint in the Radiophonic Workshop...)
7. Is it true that Roger Daltrey would dress Sea lions up to resemble Diana Dors, just for a giggle...
Errr - I think we're talking about the wrong WHO here... But yes - he did... Ah well... That's my time run out now... Matron has grabbed one of the orderlies by the legs and is running him towards the door like a human battering ram... That has SO gotta hurt....
BAAAAANGGGGGGG! CRAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!
Nasty... More questions soon my darlings and thank you SO much for your interest. Should be outta this place by tomorrow!
More then... Bye loves!!!
Si xx.
SIMON WILL POST AGAIN TOMORROW... STAY TUNED...
SIMON YETI IS MANAGED BY SHY YETI MANAGEMENT, COPYRIGHT BEECHES 2003.
More interesting tales of alternative Yeti culture... :-)
Afternoon Readers...
I shan't be waffling on as much today as usual - as I'm sure you'll remember I am still laid up in hospital but expect to be set free tomorrow. Still no visit from Fee and I even asked Mrs Mara to pop down to leave her a message. Well, she did - but there was no sign of Fee...
I apologise for posting late... It's been a bit hectic at the mo...
I'm really not getting on at all well with Matron Goerring - she either recognises me off telly or fancies me or both. She keeps peeping around the curtains when I'm changing and has tried to take my temperature (with a cucumber) at least 7 times today... There's a lot more I could tell you - but I'll save that for when I'm discharged... I have other things to get done today!
Let me see... Enough of this - I'm here to answer your questions... I have a number here - if there are any I leave out then I'm quite happy to answer some more at a later date... Let me just say - not ALL the questions are Who related... But that's not a problem... Diversity is GOOD! Still nothing back from the Beeb by the way - re: whether they want me to screen test for the lead in the new series... Anyway...
Quick links to my stories : http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/doctorwho/episodeguide/abominablesnowmen/
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/doctorwho/episodeguide/weboffear/
Question Number 1 is from a gentleman named Stephen - who I gather is rather a big fan of the series... Let's see if I can't help him with his enquiry...
1. a. I was wondering if Simon Yeti could cast some light over the proposed third and final Yeti tale for Season 6, which never actually occurred...
Ahhh yes! I remember it well... Well I don't cos it didn't happen - but you know what I mean! I believe it concerned the Yeti's being invaded by Turkish Drag-artistes who needed some Great Intelligence to devise a new format for their act... I THINK that's what the story was... OR maybe it was just another of my rather bizarre dreams...
Still - sounds promising either way - but maybe a bit advanced for the late 60s. I believe Mick Jagger was to have been cast as a nun with Marianne Faithful as Yeti Number 2 who had a obsessive compulsion for Mars Bars. I'm not sure QUITE where the Doctor was to have become involved - but I vaguely recall the infamous "Dance of the 7 Veils Scene" and that Troughton had been practising for that almost to perfection before they pulled the script.
b. Is it true this was set in the Highlands?
Errr. No... I believe it was Margate. With some O.B. work in Clacton.
c. How are his relations with the writers of both of his stories? ;-)
Merv and Henry were just EXCELLENT. They were such fabulous professionals - never got the credit they deserved. A lot of people at the BBC never realised that before writing anything they visited real Yeti communities in Portsmouth and Scunthorpe... And the lines... What a scream!!
Do any of you remember the Yeti that appeared in episode One of Web Of Fear - in the museum? Wasn't the characterisation marvellous - I SO wanted that role - but my friend Tarquin got it in the end... All that grrrring and growling - had me in fits... The Galton and Simpson of Yeti writing... I mean you can't see it now cos the tapes don't exist - but some of the Yeti lines in the later episodes - some of the facial acting - pure Victoria Wood it was...
"GROWWWWWLLLLLL!"
"GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"
"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOF"
"WOOOOOF?"
"YEAH - NO - I MEAN GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR..."
It still brings tears to my eyes - how the team coped with us with lines like that... Frazer Hines was so envious! Of course the guys did my one man show back in the early 70s... ARE WE THERE, YETI???? Oh - that was a hoot... It was actually rather like those Alan Bennett Talking Heads things - monologues... He copied us actually, bless him - but he did it so well... I had to wear a tutu - it was wonderful... Course I was off my head on Sherbet Dibdabs in those days... It was the 70s... Bowie and I were VERY GOOD friends. Awww..... Happy times!
Question Number 2 is from a gentlemen known only as Jimbo and he asks me the following...
2. What do you wash your fur with? Lavender and ylang ylang conditioner is the word on the street...
Well I don't like to give away all my secrets - but yes - lavender and ylang ylang is involved along the way - as is the blubber of BBC children's presenters and mud from the Blue Peter Garden. And no it wasn't me who vandelised it all those years back... Some of what keeps me looking so good is just natural Yeti good genes - a healthy love life also contributes, but of course a good deal of it is just five hours hard work down the BBC bar of a lunchtime...
Our third question comes from a Mr A. Townsend of London who says...
3. I have very much been enjoying the escapades of Simon Yeti, and thank Shy for making us aware of them. I would ask Simon a question or two...
a. Is he a native of Tibet who emmigrated?
I actually did emmigrate. My family come from the Isle of Wight and I made the trip across the Solent in the late 50s. Although, by human terms I am well into my 60s by now - that in Yeti years is still very young... Most of us live to be well into our 500s! :-) I'm still a babe... (As I'm occasionally told by flirty bearded ladies in Soho!)
b. Are there any famous people who are really Yeti but keep it a secret that he knows of?
Benny from ABBA was probably the most famous. There are a few others but I'm not sure I should tell you... Dame Nelly Melba was born a Yeti but had the treatment cos it was rather frowned upon in those days... Oh - and Whigfield. Bizarrely.
c. What is the best way to remove persistant stains from fur coats? My faux fur wrap is looking a little bedraggled these days ;c)
Black paint. That's the way I deal with stains. Just paint the coat black or alternatively dye it a dark blue. Careful not to brush up against people if you paint it though cos it takes a while to dry...
My 4th Question comes from a Mr I Mansfield from Folkestone. Infact he wrote directly to me so I have included the full transcript...
4. Dear Mr Yeti,
I have been reading your online blog with interest for a few days now, and I've been fascinated by all the tales from your Doctor Who days. I'm currently in training as a bear keeper and I have a question regarding fur. I know that Yeti's, like bears, do occasionally have trouble keeping their fur looking in tip-top shape, and I was just wondering about your time on Doctor Who. Did you ever end up with singed or burnt fur, you know, what with all those dodgy looking pyrotechnics flying about on set? If so, how did you deal with the problem, just in case I ever encounter the same problem during my bear apprenticeship.
Also, I'd be grateful of any more fur-care tips if you have any.
Best wishes,
Ian Mansfield (trainee bear keeper)
Thank you Ian... Well - I think I've given over a few tips earlier when Jimbo asked about fur - but I will tell you a bit about what to do with singed or burnt fur... In my own experience all I did was sneak up on a commuter on the Underground - mainly long haired women or hippies and I took a pair of scissors and stole some of their hair and then patched it over my own burnt or singed Yeti fur. Sometimes it gave a rather patchwork effect - but overall it was quite successful.
I do recall a time when we were filming in the Underground during Web of Fear when they forgot to stop the trains and we all got run over... How we laughed... But afterwards we cried too quite a bit cos it was all rather painful.
Still - none of this was as bad as what happened to my friend Marty the Mutant who had a bit of spaceship fall on him. Also - Bruce who played the character of Morbius in the 1976 Brain Of Morbius story found himself set on fire in one scene and he hasn't worked since... In those days - as long as they got the shots they wanted - there was no life insurance to fall back on if you were a monster artiste...
Thankfully things have changed. Last year I singed 12 whiskers whilst making an episode of the dreadful "My Family" - but was compensated £12.50 in damages. Thank goodness it's not like it was in the 60s and 70s that's all I can say! Good luck to you Ian in your bear-keeping... Bears are rather more wooly than Yeti's and tend to try and eat people - but otherwise can be very generous and loving to work with...
Question Number 5 comes from a Mr Ceri Laing who makes the following comment...
"I'm enjoying the adventures in the artistic world of Mr. Yeti, very insightful!"
Thankyou, Sir. Ceri passes on his appreciation of what we have been posting and poses the following questions...
5. a. Did Simon have anything to do with the Nigel Kneale 'The Creature' BBC serial from the 50s, which was an inspiration for The Abominable Snowmen and starred Peter Cushing.
Alas no. Although I think my Auntie Jean may well have been an influence... Ceri also adds;
...I suppose he was too young...
CHARMER!!! ;-) Not at all - but I was still living in the Isle of Wight during the 50s - infact I was probably still at Fur College...
...Maybe he knew the actors who were involved or maybe he was involved in the later film version which also starred Cushing.
As I say, Auntie Jean was quite probably an influence - as for the film - I wasn't involved because I believe I was auditioning for a presenter role on Blue Peter and missed out... Of course I had hoped to work with Nigel and am a big fan of all his Quatermass work, Year Of The Sex Olympics and Stone Tapes but then I rather lost respect for him when he started slagging off Dr Who. Admittedly Who did rather steal from his work - but - well - I was protective of my work there then - before I realised they'd erased most of it, that is!!! Anyway - I did audition for the role of Kinvig but didn't get that - and after that - well - the opportunity never arose again...
b. Come to think of it has Simon had any major film roles or any gossip/anecdotes he could share with us about the film stars he may have worked with?
Ummm. The list is endless - I was the dog in Digby The Biggest Dog In The World and I donned a cartoon costume to play the Dragon in Pete's Dragon... I was also Sharon Stone's stunt double for a certain scene in Basic Instinct... Maybe another time I'll be able to talk more about some of my other roles - but I fear I'm running out of space and I can see Matron waving frantically to gain my attention. (I gave up on the PCs in the Rec room and have locked myself in her office to get this posting done...) As for anecdotes... Well I remember the time I was mistaken for Audrey Hepburn on the set of My Fair Lady... I was stoned and didn't know what the heck I was doing cos I'd been out all night with Caine and Connery and... Well, anyway - we'd been filming 5 days before they realised Audrey had locked herself in the Ladies Lav all week... What a scream... They weren't half cross...
Time for a couple more... I think Matron is calling the orderlies to come in and break the door down... Quick-quick... I'm not sure who sent these two in and I haven't time to find out...
6. Is it true that John Levene who later played Sergeant Benton appeared in The Web Of Fear as a Yeti... What was it like having him inside you?
I don't really understand this question... I don't believe we've actually worked together in quite that capacity... You must mean a Yeti costume - which I am not - being an actual real life Yeti n all... A chap in a Yeti costume rings a bell now I think of it... Ahhh... I do believe that was a prank arranged by Frazer and Patrick. There was a Yeti amongst our ranks who was infact played by a gentleman in a Yeti suit... He was very convincing - and I didn't find out about it until my Sister made a pass at him at the after production party. (My sister Suzie worked in make-up for that show and my brother Derek had a stint in the Radiophonic Workshop...)
7. Is it true that Roger Daltrey would dress Sea lions up to resemble Diana Dors, just for a giggle...
Errr - I think we're talking about the wrong WHO here... But yes - he did... Ah well... That's my time run out now... Matron has grabbed one of the orderlies by the legs and is running him towards the door like a human battering ram... That has SO gotta hurt....
BAAAAANGGGGGGG! CRAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!
Nasty... More questions soon my darlings and thank you SO much for your interest. Should be outta this place by tomorrow!
More then... Bye loves!!!
Si xx.
SIMON WILL POST AGAIN TOMORROW... STAY TUNED...
SIMON YETI IS MANAGED BY SHY YETI MANAGEMENT, COPYRIGHT BEECHES 2003.
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
Dear Readers...
I am writing to you directly today because things have taken rather a peculiar turn and suddenly I find myself with time on my hands and not a lot else to occupy my self... As you may remember - the last mail posted found me stuck in my flat with a rather batty Kylie-influenced stalker at my door...
WHAT - A - NIGHTMARE!!!!!!!
I could hear the footsteps out there on the landing - but I didn't dare look through the spy-hole for fear of what I might see... Perhaps it was Fee, I mused - perhaps the stalker WAS FEE! I shook my head and tried to stop myself quietly panicking... I'd already caught sight of the note pinned to the fridge...
WILL BE AWAY OVER NIGHT - SEE YOU TOMORROW... FEE xx
So there was no hope of rescue from my lodger and meanwhile my whistling stalker was still outside the door - the Neighbours theme tune had never sounded so sinister...
"Okay Yeti..." I told myself, "You can do it... Stand up for yourself why don't you?"
I gulped - grabbed a salami from the fridge and headed for the door - ably armed or at least with a nice snack if all else failed...
"Just open the door..." I continued, "Attack him with your salami - batter the bugger to the ground and make sure he's not got any exclusive Kylie merchandise on his person... You're a Yeti... You can do it..."
And then I heard another voice...
"No you can't Simon... Don't be silly... You have about as much chance of success as you have of bedding the England Rugby team..."
It was my inner monologue - the voice of my inner scaredy cat...
"Stand up to him!" responded my more butch side - but I could barely here him now.
"Don't be a fluffy headed fool..." exclaimed my cowardly (sensible??) side...
And in the end it was this inner ninny that I sucuumbed to...
"Just call the Police..." I said aloud, "You'll be fine if you call them... Just explain as calmly as possible how you've got a rather batty stalker trying to sing at you - dressed up, badly, as Kylie Minogue... They must get this sort of thing all the time..." I wasn't convinced - but I tried...
I should have known better - the guy who answered my call was about as helpful as the taxi driver I'd encountered on the way to the video shoot...
"A stalker you say..." parrotted the Duty Officer, "...Dressed as Ms Minogue..."
"Yes! ...And he's outside my door at this very moment singing the theme tune from Neighbours in a very suspicious manner..."
"Is he, Sir?"
"Yes..."
"...And what did you say your name was?"
"Yeti..." I replied, "Simon Yeti..."
"Ahhh... Like the folk group..."
"NO OFFICER - AS IN THE FURRY GROWLY OFF DR WHO TYPE OF YETI..."
Silence...
"Dr Who you say... But I thought those guys were all in costume..."
"NOT AT ALL OFFICER... NOW PLEASE!!!"
"Alright... Alright... I heard you..." he sounded cross, "So you've been on telly have you? I think I may remember..."
I didn't give him a chance to nostalge - but blurted out my home address and then rung off hastily - if the Police couldn't help then maybe someone else could!
"Yeti... Everybody needs good Yeti..." sung the stalker outside my door. "Let me in Mr Yeti... Let me in, my lover... It's your very own Kylie-wylie out here - ready to come in and dance for you..."
"Not today THANKYOU!!!"
But my new admirer wasn't taking no for an answer, "I'm spinnin' around - my lover..." came the only reply.
Ignoring such surreal behavious I tried phoning the Furamarama boys - I tried calling Shy, Mrs Mara and even a dial-a-pizza line - but everyone seemed to be way-way in the land of nod...
I was running out of time!
CRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!
My stalker was trying to force an entry... Something rather heavy and rather axe-like had just collided with my front door...
My mind worked swiftly and maybe stupidly - going for a two pronged attempt to secure a rescue... There was no fire exit from my flat - however there was a window... We were a fair few floors up - but it was my only hope... That and the karaoke machine in the corner...
CRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!
Another attempt - the top of the door nearly gave way at the hinges - but it hadn't, yet, totally buckled - I still had a minute or two...
I shoved on the first CD I could find - whacked up the volume - chose a track and pressed play... Holding tight to the microphone I pulled open the curtains - shoved up the window and began to clamber out onto the ledge outside... The CD player was still whirring into life and initialising the accompanying words to the tune. I hoped that in my panic I hadn't picked the wrong song; "THE ONE THAT I WANT..." was the track before my intended choice and not the sort of message that I wanted to be sending out to my stalker... The track after mine was "WELCOME HOME..." by Peters and Lee, which again was slightly inappropriate. Seeing as there wasn't a tune called, "HELLO - MY NAME IS SIMON YETI AND I'M BEING STALKED BY A KYLIE MINOGUE IMPERSONATOR..." I was hoping that the tune I was about to sing-a-long to was the correct one... My singing cranked up loud enough to alert the authorities - or at least somebody who would come and help me...
CRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!
The music suddenly exploded over the sound of the splintering door...
"HEELP! I NEED SOMEBODY! HEELP! NOT JUST ANYBODY! HEELP! I REALLY NEED SOMEONE! HEEEEEELLLLLP...."
Then I was on my own... My voice booming around the room and around the whole neighbourhood... I'm not as good as my brother Eric who was in Eurovision, but I like to think I can hold a tune... I gave it my best shot...
"HEEELP! I'M BEING ATTACKED BY KYLIE!!! HEEELLPP! BUT NOT THE AUTHENTIC KYLIE!!! HEEELLLLPP!! I COULD REALLY DO WITH SOME POLICE ASSISTANCE! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!"
I kept singing - my furry feet almost slipping on the dainty window ledge... I could only vaguely hear the splintering wood of my front door being decimated and certainly couldn't tell either way if the noise was actually scaring the stalker away or whether he was coming closer - towards the window... If he did - if he tried to grab the microphone then I'd let go and jump - anything than fall into the evil clutches of my Cornish/faux Antipodean chum!
"HEEEELLLP! OI YOU - SLEEPY PEOPLE!! HEEELLLP!! WAKE UP AND BLOODY HELP ME!! HELLP!! I REALLY NEED A MATTRESS!! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!"
It seemed to be doing the job - lights were coming on in houses all over the street... I could hear sirens too...
"QUICK FETCH A BLANKET..." I heard someone call out, "A VERY BIG BLANKET... HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S ABOUT TO FALL..."
"I won't..." I was about to say - but for the first time I really began to feel the cold night air... Someone reached out through the window for my leg and the music stopped... I wasn't to know it then that this was Mrs Mara trying to pull me back to safety - I naturally thought it was the stalker and I tried to get away...
...AND THEN I DID SLIP... INFACT I LOST MY FOOTING ALL TOGETHER... I FELL...
The last thing I saw before I blacked out was the face of Ms Minogue...
(THANK GOD IT WASN'T THE REAL ONE!!!!)
The long and the short of it is that when I fell - I actually fell and totally fortunately landed on the stalker who was trying to make his escape - and it was all the fluffy plummage from the boa on his costume that broke my fall - that and the scary gent himself...
"Don't worry..." the Police informed me, "You'll not see his like again... They carted him off to Windcliff - the clinic for mentally disturbed popstar impersonators..."
He was lucky I hadn't killed him...
"He's not dead - but he's very badly squashed... His name was Anthony and he's about 2ft tall since you fell on him... Serves the bugger right..."
It's amazing how one's adoration for a singer can sometimes lead to such extreme acts of violence... I don't suppose I'll ever know quite why I was targetted... Not unless he escapes from Windcliff and tries to hunt me down again... Another good reason to hate Sequels... Oh! Hell - if he shows up I'll just have to fall on him again - but harder next time - whilst wearing concrete boots - and a filing cabinet...
YAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWN!!!! I'm tired now... I should be resting... I've really ought to make my current situation rather more clearer than I have so far...
I'm in hospital - in my own private room... It's amazing what you can pay for with Supermarket Loyalty cards these days... I'm a bit bruised but nothing more - mild dose of shock and a bit of frost bite on my Yeti bits - but I'm expecting to be discharged on Friday. I arrived here as the sun was rising - slept til mid morning - spoke with the Police - spoke with Mrs Mara who brought with her my laptap - and here I am now... I'm having to type upside down cos when I fell I landed on my behind - so I can't do sitting down very comfortably just at the minute... Still no sign of Fee - folk have been trying to contact her but she's not been to visit yet...
Matron is waving at me again - either she fancies me (I think she does) or she wants to take another nap...
Anyway before I go - just wanted to add that - as I'll be laid up til Friday I'll be answering all the questions that I have been sent by readers in my posting tomorrow...
Oh - last thing... A bunch of flowers arrived earlier... After how I spoke to her on the phone the other day I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised...
SORRY ABOUT THE TROUBLE SIMON - FANS EY!? BOO HOO WE DIDN'T GET TO WORK TOGETHER PROPERLY - MAYBE ANOTHER TIME... Kxxx PS I COULD BE SO GOOD FOR YOU - LOVE YOU LIKE YOU WANT ME TOO...
Actually I made the last bit up... The only tv station you can get here in hospital is UK GOLD and they're having a Minder day... Oh - and they've got a Best Of Who Night on Thursday which I'm sure will only end up annoying me because they won't use any of my stories...
I'm not sure if the flowers were from Kylie herself or whether they were just sent by her management. She's a busy lady after all...
There was a real PS on the telegram - it wasn't exactly the sort of thing I need to hear - it read...
PS BAD NEWS - THE YANKS WANT A MORE UPBEAT VIDEO FOR THE NEW SINGLE SO I'M AFRAID YOUR BITS HAVE BEEN SCRAPPED AND BEING REFILMED WITH EWOKS... SORRY!!!
As long as I get paid...
PPS AS A RESULT YOU WON'T GET PAID IN REAL MONEY - ONLY IN SWEETIES...
Life's a bastard sometimes, isn't it...
(((SIGH)))
Oh well - more from me tomorrow...
Take Care,
Regards,
Simon Yeti xx
SIMON WILL BE ANSWERING ALL YOUR WHO RELATED QUESTIONS TOMORROW...
SIMON YETI IS MANAGED BY SHY YETI MANAGEMENT, COPYRIGHT BEECHES 2003.
I am writing to you directly today because things have taken rather a peculiar turn and suddenly I find myself with time on my hands and not a lot else to occupy my self... As you may remember - the last mail posted found me stuck in my flat with a rather batty Kylie-influenced stalker at my door...
WHAT - A - NIGHTMARE!!!!!!!
I could hear the footsteps out there on the landing - but I didn't dare look through the spy-hole for fear of what I might see... Perhaps it was Fee, I mused - perhaps the stalker WAS FEE! I shook my head and tried to stop myself quietly panicking... I'd already caught sight of the note pinned to the fridge...
WILL BE AWAY OVER NIGHT - SEE YOU TOMORROW... FEE xx
So there was no hope of rescue from my lodger and meanwhile my whistling stalker was still outside the door - the Neighbours theme tune had never sounded so sinister...
"Okay Yeti..." I told myself, "You can do it... Stand up for yourself why don't you?"
I gulped - grabbed a salami from the fridge and headed for the door - ably armed or at least with a nice snack if all else failed...
"Just open the door..." I continued, "Attack him with your salami - batter the bugger to the ground and make sure he's not got any exclusive Kylie merchandise on his person... You're a Yeti... You can do it..."
And then I heard another voice...
"No you can't Simon... Don't be silly... You have about as much chance of success as you have of bedding the England Rugby team..."
It was my inner monologue - the voice of my inner scaredy cat...
"Stand up to him!" responded my more butch side - but I could barely here him now.
"Don't be a fluffy headed fool..." exclaimed my cowardly (sensible??) side...
And in the end it was this inner ninny that I sucuumbed to...
"Just call the Police..." I said aloud, "You'll be fine if you call them... Just explain as calmly as possible how you've got a rather batty stalker trying to sing at you - dressed up, badly, as Kylie Minogue... They must get this sort of thing all the time..." I wasn't convinced - but I tried...
I should have known better - the guy who answered my call was about as helpful as the taxi driver I'd encountered on the way to the video shoot...
"A stalker you say..." parrotted the Duty Officer, "...Dressed as Ms Minogue..."
"Yes! ...And he's outside my door at this very moment singing the theme tune from Neighbours in a very suspicious manner..."
"Is he, Sir?"
"Yes..."
"...And what did you say your name was?"
"Yeti..." I replied, "Simon Yeti..."
"Ahhh... Like the folk group..."
"NO OFFICER - AS IN THE FURRY GROWLY OFF DR WHO TYPE OF YETI..."
Silence...
"Dr Who you say... But I thought those guys were all in costume..."
"NOT AT ALL OFFICER... NOW PLEASE!!!"
"Alright... Alright... I heard you..." he sounded cross, "So you've been on telly have you? I think I may remember..."
I didn't give him a chance to nostalge - but blurted out my home address and then rung off hastily - if the Police couldn't help then maybe someone else could!
"Yeti... Everybody needs good Yeti..." sung the stalker outside my door. "Let me in Mr Yeti... Let me in, my lover... It's your very own Kylie-wylie out here - ready to come in and dance for you..."
"Not today THANKYOU!!!"
But my new admirer wasn't taking no for an answer, "I'm spinnin' around - my lover..." came the only reply.
Ignoring such surreal behavious I tried phoning the Furamarama boys - I tried calling Shy, Mrs Mara and even a dial-a-pizza line - but everyone seemed to be way-way in the land of nod...
I was running out of time!
CRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!
My stalker was trying to force an entry... Something rather heavy and rather axe-like had just collided with my front door...
My mind worked swiftly and maybe stupidly - going for a two pronged attempt to secure a rescue... There was no fire exit from my flat - however there was a window... We were a fair few floors up - but it was my only hope... That and the karaoke machine in the corner...
CRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!
Another attempt - the top of the door nearly gave way at the hinges - but it hadn't, yet, totally buckled - I still had a minute or two...
I shoved on the first CD I could find - whacked up the volume - chose a track and pressed play... Holding tight to the microphone I pulled open the curtains - shoved up the window and began to clamber out onto the ledge outside... The CD player was still whirring into life and initialising the accompanying words to the tune. I hoped that in my panic I hadn't picked the wrong song; "THE ONE THAT I WANT..." was the track before my intended choice and not the sort of message that I wanted to be sending out to my stalker... The track after mine was "WELCOME HOME..." by Peters and Lee, which again was slightly inappropriate. Seeing as there wasn't a tune called, "HELLO - MY NAME IS SIMON YETI AND I'M BEING STALKED BY A KYLIE MINOGUE IMPERSONATOR..." I was hoping that the tune I was about to sing-a-long to was the correct one... My singing cranked up loud enough to alert the authorities - or at least somebody who would come and help me...
CRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!
The music suddenly exploded over the sound of the splintering door...
"HEELP! I NEED SOMEBODY! HEELP! NOT JUST ANYBODY! HEELP! I REALLY NEED SOMEONE! HEEEEEELLLLLP...."
Then I was on my own... My voice booming around the room and around the whole neighbourhood... I'm not as good as my brother Eric who was in Eurovision, but I like to think I can hold a tune... I gave it my best shot...
"HEEELP! I'M BEING ATTACKED BY KYLIE!!! HEEELLPP! BUT NOT THE AUTHENTIC KYLIE!!! HEEELLLLPP!! I COULD REALLY DO WITH SOME POLICE ASSISTANCE! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!"
I kept singing - my furry feet almost slipping on the dainty window ledge... I could only vaguely hear the splintering wood of my front door being decimated and certainly couldn't tell either way if the noise was actually scaring the stalker away or whether he was coming closer - towards the window... If he did - if he tried to grab the microphone then I'd let go and jump - anything than fall into the evil clutches of my Cornish/faux Antipodean chum!
"HEEEELLLP! OI YOU - SLEEPY PEOPLE!! HEEELLLP!! WAKE UP AND BLOODY HELP ME!! HELLP!! I REALLY NEED A MATTRESS!! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!"
It seemed to be doing the job - lights were coming on in houses all over the street... I could hear sirens too...
"QUICK FETCH A BLANKET..." I heard someone call out, "A VERY BIG BLANKET... HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S ABOUT TO FALL..."
"I won't..." I was about to say - but for the first time I really began to feel the cold night air... Someone reached out through the window for my leg and the music stopped... I wasn't to know it then that this was Mrs Mara trying to pull me back to safety - I naturally thought it was the stalker and I tried to get away...
...AND THEN I DID SLIP... INFACT I LOST MY FOOTING ALL TOGETHER... I FELL...
The last thing I saw before I blacked out was the face of Ms Minogue...
(THANK GOD IT WASN'T THE REAL ONE!!!!)
The long and the short of it is that when I fell - I actually fell and totally fortunately landed on the stalker who was trying to make his escape - and it was all the fluffy plummage from the boa on his costume that broke my fall - that and the scary gent himself...
"Don't worry..." the Police informed me, "You'll not see his like again... They carted him off to Windcliff - the clinic for mentally disturbed popstar impersonators..."
He was lucky I hadn't killed him...
"He's not dead - but he's very badly squashed... His name was Anthony and he's about 2ft tall since you fell on him... Serves the bugger right..."
It's amazing how one's adoration for a singer can sometimes lead to such extreme acts of violence... I don't suppose I'll ever know quite why I was targetted... Not unless he escapes from Windcliff and tries to hunt me down again... Another good reason to hate Sequels... Oh! Hell - if he shows up I'll just have to fall on him again - but harder next time - whilst wearing concrete boots - and a filing cabinet...
YAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWN!!!! I'm tired now... I should be resting... I've really ought to make my current situation rather more clearer than I have so far...
I'm in hospital - in my own private room... It's amazing what you can pay for with Supermarket Loyalty cards these days... I'm a bit bruised but nothing more - mild dose of shock and a bit of frost bite on my Yeti bits - but I'm expecting to be discharged on Friday. I arrived here as the sun was rising - slept til mid morning - spoke with the Police - spoke with Mrs Mara who brought with her my laptap - and here I am now... I'm having to type upside down cos when I fell I landed on my behind - so I can't do sitting down very comfortably just at the minute... Still no sign of Fee - folk have been trying to contact her but she's not been to visit yet...
Matron is waving at me again - either she fancies me (I think she does) or she wants to take another nap...
Anyway before I go - just wanted to add that - as I'll be laid up til Friday I'll be answering all the questions that I have been sent by readers in my posting tomorrow...
Oh - last thing... A bunch of flowers arrived earlier... After how I spoke to her on the phone the other day I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised...
SORRY ABOUT THE TROUBLE SIMON - FANS EY!? BOO HOO WE DIDN'T GET TO WORK TOGETHER PROPERLY - MAYBE ANOTHER TIME... Kxxx PS I COULD BE SO GOOD FOR YOU - LOVE YOU LIKE YOU WANT ME TOO...
Actually I made the last bit up... The only tv station you can get here in hospital is UK GOLD and they're having a Minder day... Oh - and they've got a Best Of Who Night on Thursday which I'm sure will only end up annoying me because they won't use any of my stories...
I'm not sure if the flowers were from Kylie herself or whether they were just sent by her management. She's a busy lady after all...
There was a real PS on the telegram - it wasn't exactly the sort of thing I need to hear - it read...
PS BAD NEWS - THE YANKS WANT A MORE UPBEAT VIDEO FOR THE NEW SINGLE SO I'M AFRAID YOUR BITS HAVE BEEN SCRAPPED AND BEING REFILMED WITH EWOKS... SORRY!!!
As long as I get paid...
PPS AS A RESULT YOU WON'T GET PAID IN REAL MONEY - ONLY IN SWEETIES...
Life's a bastard sometimes, isn't it...
(((SIGH)))
Oh well - more from me tomorrow...
Take Care,
Regards,
Simon Yeti xx
SIMON WILL BE ANSWERING ALL YOUR WHO RELATED QUESTIONS TOMORROW...
SIMON YETI IS MANAGED BY SHY YETI MANAGEMENT, COPYRIGHT BEECHES 2003.
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
Site Of The Day: http://www.rfthomas.clara.net/bigfoot.html BIGFOOT... Fact Or Fantasy??
Errrr - you decide! All the usual problems/urban-myths... No attempt to track any of us down in London and ask our side of things! YAWN! YAWN! YAWN!
Hi Fella!
It's about 2.30 am tuesday morning... Not sure what time I'll post this on to you... I'm a bit jittery...
The stalker is back and I'm by myself (GOD KNOWS where Fee has got to - I don't think she's been in all day...) I did try to call you but there is no reply so you are probably in the land of nod - or Ned - or whatever the fella's name is...
Anyway... I can't sleep so I'll just keep typing and get to the recent events eventually, no doubt... It's a long story - I'll get there - but first I should tell you about the filming, whilst it's still fresh in my mind...
I was late for a start... It was all the taxi drivers fault...
"Don't take animals in the taxi... Certainly not ones who talk..." said the driver when he pulled up outside my flat about an hour or so before I was due to be in Greenwich.
"Animals!?!" I said, "I don't HAVE any animals with me..."
"I'm not bothered whether you have any with you - I'm bothered that you're some sort of beast yourself mate..."
"A BEAST!!!" I exclaimed, "I AM NO BEAST!!!"
"Yeah - you trying to tell me you're a hippy? I've had hippies in my car before and they don't leave fluff in my backseat... You're one of them Wookies or something aren't you..."
"A what..."
"Off Star Wars..."
I was lost for words - to be fair my fur does sometimes shed a little and it can be a bit of a pain to hoover up but... "I am NOT a Wookie..." I said, but by then was realising how time was getting on, "It's a fancy dress costume..." I lied. "The fur doesn't come out..." Before I had a chance to say anymore he reached out and tugged at my fur - which made me cry out, "HOW DARE YOU!!" I screamed - before realising that I had probably given myself away.
"That fur's REAL... See ya fluffy..." snorted the taxi driver and with that he closed the window and pulled away...
WELL REALLY! I ASK YOU... THE CHEEK OF THE MAN...
It started to rain at about this point and I ended up muddling my way to Greenwich by bus...
"YOU'RE LATE!!!" scoulded the make-up lady,"...AND WET..."
I was so cold and damp and disgusted that I couldn't be bothered to argue. Sure enough I was soaked and she set about me with a hair drier which caused my fur to frizz up again, very much as it had done on friday. It was at around this point that I learnt the bad news...
KYLIE WASN'T THERE!!! :o-(
I was inconsolable... The tunnel was cold and wet and I kept getting dripped on... Stuck down the foot tunnel with the camera crew and a load of old drunks who thought I was Billy Connelly. No Kylie because she was filming her bits elsewhere - not even Will... (I was to learn later that they'd mocked up a gorgeously cosy tunnel in the studios for her - where as I was expected to film on location...)
We DID the filming sure enough but only close ups of me lumbering around... The whole thing was a fiasco... The director was a fool and insisted on playing West Life singles through the speaker system, "To get you all in the mood..."
"What sort of mood would that be?" I mumbled...
"On the verge of spewing..." muttered one of the technicians - and he had a point...
After a number of hours of splashing around, during the tea break I heard the caterer ask, "Does the Yeti take sugar?"
I stormed up to her and said, "No - the Yeti doesn't take sugar... The Yeti would prefer a scotch on the rocks or failing that maybe a lemon tea..."
The catering lady looked at me with a fear I've not seen on anyone's face since I lost my footing and nearly fell on Frazer Hines on a hilltop in Wales. DOES THE YETI TAKE SUGAR!!! She seemed to have gotten into her head that I was some circus animal that couldn't speak up for itself! How humiliating... Of course, she apologised and went to make me a drink - but it wasn't her who returned with it - but a gentleman called Steve who looked very stern and displeased with me. I asked after the lady but was told that she had gone home "Cos of her nerves..." After that no-one spoke to me very much... Made me feel like such an old bully... But REALLY!!!
There was a stunt woman there in the tunnels too who was doing all the Kylie-running shots - but that was the nearest I got to working with the lady herself... And I still don't know whether I actually spoke to her in the studios last friday... I must say I WAS terribly disappointed - especially after she left that lovely message on my answer phone the other day...
So - it was all rather a damp squib I'm afraid... I'm not needed for any more scenes apparently and the whole idea that I might be needed to be Kylie's love interest in this video is just a distant hope that has now been banished...
But then things got worse...
...
Sorry... Just having another look out the window... Some rather alarming things have occurred since the filming was completed... I have been a very foolish Yeti...
Anyway - it had stopped raining... There I was - got the Night bus back home because there was no way any taxis were going to pick me up... I was walking back towards my house down some of the side streets (I am about 5-10 minutes walk from the nearest bus stop) - it was getting rather misty and suddenly I notice that I'm being followed... Followed by a little lady with curly hair who is whistling the theme tune to "Neighbours..."
My Kylie stalker... One of the "clones" from last friday!
Well, of course I put on a bit of a spurt - because "she" was moving pretty quick (I reckon it's a he after the figure I saw waiting outside my flat the other night - no way was that a lady!)
"Neighbours... Everybody needs good neighbours..." the Kylie was singing - and it was then I noticed the Cornish accent again...
Then of course it clicked... The caller the other day hadn't been Kylie at all but the stalker! OH MY GOODNESS...
So I really high-tailed it and must have looked a proper sight by the time I reached the flat... But I was home...
Of course, by now I was petrified... I was intending to ask Fee's advice - but, of course, as I've said - she was nowhere to be found... Looking down to the street there was no sign of my pursuer - but I can't really say it filled me with much confidence... I considered ringing the Police when the phone rang again...
"HELLO!?!"
"Hello darling... Just calling to see how you got on this evening... Was hoping to catch you at the set but you'd left... Will and I are having a little party and we just wondered who..."
"WHO IS THIS!?!" I barked.
"KYLIE DARLING..."
"OH REALLY..." I said sarcastically, "And since when has Kylie been CORNISH!?! Leave me alone - take a hike lady - you're not a patch on the original..."
I slammed down the phone...
I was shaking by this point...
Can you believe it?
Anyway - so I've just sat down here and been writing this and... and... now it has just occurred to me that the two callers weren't the same...
The Kylie who called up tonight didn't actually sound Cornish at all! OH MY GOD...
WHAT HAVE I DONE! I THINK I JUST TOLD KYLIE TO "TAKE A HIKE..."
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!!!
...
There's that noise outside again...
It's the stalker - I'm sure of it...
I can hear the Neighbours theme tune again but now it seems to have taken on a more sinister tone...
Oh my goodness... There's a noise out on the stairwell... Sounds rather like somebody breaking in or something... Coming up towards my flat... Don't panic now... Just ring the Police - just tell them you've got a stalker who dresses (badly) like Kylie... Just tell them - phone them now and they'll be able to help...
I should be so lucky...
*** Post ends without usual farewell...
Simon Yeti HOPEFULLY posts again soon... WATCH THIS SPACE...
SIMON YETI IS MANAGED BY SHY YETI MANAGEMENT, COPYRIGHT BEECHES 2003.
Errrr - you decide! All the usual problems/urban-myths... No attempt to track any of us down in London and ask our side of things! YAWN! YAWN! YAWN!
Hi Fella!
It's about 2.30 am tuesday morning... Not sure what time I'll post this on to you... I'm a bit jittery...
The stalker is back and I'm by myself (GOD KNOWS where Fee has got to - I don't think she's been in all day...) I did try to call you but there is no reply so you are probably in the land of nod - or Ned - or whatever the fella's name is...
Anyway... I can't sleep so I'll just keep typing and get to the recent events eventually, no doubt... It's a long story - I'll get there - but first I should tell you about the filming, whilst it's still fresh in my mind...
I was late for a start... It was all the taxi drivers fault...
"Don't take animals in the taxi... Certainly not ones who talk..." said the driver when he pulled up outside my flat about an hour or so before I was due to be in Greenwich.
"Animals!?!" I said, "I don't HAVE any animals with me..."
"I'm not bothered whether you have any with you - I'm bothered that you're some sort of beast yourself mate..."
"A BEAST!!!" I exclaimed, "I AM NO BEAST!!!"
"Yeah - you trying to tell me you're a hippy? I've had hippies in my car before and they don't leave fluff in my backseat... You're one of them Wookies or something aren't you..."
"A what..."
"Off Star Wars..."
I was lost for words - to be fair my fur does sometimes shed a little and it can be a bit of a pain to hoover up but... "I am NOT a Wookie..." I said, but by then was realising how time was getting on, "It's a fancy dress costume..." I lied. "The fur doesn't come out..." Before I had a chance to say anymore he reached out and tugged at my fur - which made me cry out, "HOW DARE YOU!!" I screamed - before realising that I had probably given myself away.
"That fur's REAL... See ya fluffy..." snorted the taxi driver and with that he closed the window and pulled away...
WELL REALLY! I ASK YOU... THE CHEEK OF THE MAN...
It started to rain at about this point and I ended up muddling my way to Greenwich by bus...
"YOU'RE LATE!!!" scoulded the make-up lady,"...AND WET..."
I was so cold and damp and disgusted that I couldn't be bothered to argue. Sure enough I was soaked and she set about me with a hair drier which caused my fur to frizz up again, very much as it had done on friday. It was at around this point that I learnt the bad news...
KYLIE WASN'T THERE!!! :o-(
I was inconsolable... The tunnel was cold and wet and I kept getting dripped on... Stuck down the foot tunnel with the camera crew and a load of old drunks who thought I was Billy Connelly. No Kylie because she was filming her bits elsewhere - not even Will... (I was to learn later that they'd mocked up a gorgeously cosy tunnel in the studios for her - where as I was expected to film on location...)
We DID the filming sure enough but only close ups of me lumbering around... The whole thing was a fiasco... The director was a fool and insisted on playing West Life singles through the speaker system, "To get you all in the mood..."
"What sort of mood would that be?" I mumbled...
"On the verge of spewing..." muttered one of the technicians - and he had a point...
After a number of hours of splashing around, during the tea break I heard the caterer ask, "Does the Yeti take sugar?"
I stormed up to her and said, "No - the Yeti doesn't take sugar... The Yeti would prefer a scotch on the rocks or failing that maybe a lemon tea..."
The catering lady looked at me with a fear I've not seen on anyone's face since I lost my footing and nearly fell on Frazer Hines on a hilltop in Wales. DOES THE YETI TAKE SUGAR!!! She seemed to have gotten into her head that I was some circus animal that couldn't speak up for itself! How humiliating... Of course, she apologised and went to make me a drink - but it wasn't her who returned with it - but a gentleman called Steve who looked very stern and displeased with me. I asked after the lady but was told that she had gone home "Cos of her nerves..." After that no-one spoke to me very much... Made me feel like such an old bully... But REALLY!!!
There was a stunt woman there in the tunnels too who was doing all the Kylie-running shots - but that was the nearest I got to working with the lady herself... And I still don't know whether I actually spoke to her in the studios last friday... I must say I WAS terribly disappointed - especially after she left that lovely message on my answer phone the other day...
So - it was all rather a damp squib I'm afraid... I'm not needed for any more scenes apparently and the whole idea that I might be needed to be Kylie's love interest in this video is just a distant hope that has now been banished...
But then things got worse...
...
Sorry... Just having another look out the window... Some rather alarming things have occurred since the filming was completed... I have been a very foolish Yeti...
Anyway - it had stopped raining... There I was - got the Night bus back home because there was no way any taxis were going to pick me up... I was walking back towards my house down some of the side streets (I am about 5-10 minutes walk from the nearest bus stop) - it was getting rather misty and suddenly I notice that I'm being followed... Followed by a little lady with curly hair who is whistling the theme tune to "Neighbours..."
My Kylie stalker... One of the "clones" from last friday!
Well, of course I put on a bit of a spurt - because "she" was moving pretty quick (I reckon it's a he after the figure I saw waiting outside my flat the other night - no way was that a lady!)
"Neighbours... Everybody needs good neighbours..." the Kylie was singing - and it was then I noticed the Cornish accent again...
Then of course it clicked... The caller the other day hadn't been Kylie at all but the stalker! OH MY GOODNESS...
So I really high-tailed it and must have looked a proper sight by the time I reached the flat... But I was home...
Of course, by now I was petrified... I was intending to ask Fee's advice - but, of course, as I've said - she was nowhere to be found... Looking down to the street there was no sign of my pursuer - but I can't really say it filled me with much confidence... I considered ringing the Police when the phone rang again...
"HELLO!?!"
"Hello darling... Just calling to see how you got on this evening... Was hoping to catch you at the set but you'd left... Will and I are having a little party and we just wondered who..."
"WHO IS THIS!?!" I barked.
"KYLIE DARLING..."
"OH REALLY..." I said sarcastically, "And since when has Kylie been CORNISH!?! Leave me alone - take a hike lady - you're not a patch on the original..."
I slammed down the phone...
I was shaking by this point...
Can you believe it?
Anyway - so I've just sat down here and been writing this and... and... now it has just occurred to me that the two callers weren't the same...
The Kylie who called up tonight didn't actually sound Cornish at all! OH MY GOD...
WHAT HAVE I DONE! I THINK I JUST TOLD KYLIE TO "TAKE A HIKE..."
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!!!
...
There's that noise outside again...
It's the stalker - I'm sure of it...
I can hear the Neighbours theme tune again but now it seems to have taken on a more sinister tone...
Oh my goodness... There's a noise out on the stairwell... Sounds rather like somebody breaking in or something... Coming up towards my flat... Don't panic now... Just ring the Police - just tell them you've got a stalker who dresses (badly) like Kylie... Just tell them - phone them now and they'll be able to help...
I should be so lucky...
*** Post ends without usual farewell...
Simon Yeti HOPEFULLY posts again soon... WATCH THIS SPACE...
SIMON YETI IS MANAGED BY SHY YETI MANAGEMENT, COPYRIGHT BEECHES 2003.
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