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Friday, February 27, 2004

Transcript of message from Simon...

Still stuck in 1979 - but intending to try and get, either home or back to the correct year sometime this weekend.

Nearly met myself on the set of Empire Strikes Back earlier...

Could have been very nasty.

Off to have tea with ABBA - more soon...

xxx

Wednesday, February 04, 2004

Transcript of message from Simon...

Having trouble getting home...

It's very dark here in 1979...

Oh... Just a mo - found the light switch!

Much better...

xxx

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

NO SIGN OF SIMON...

I'm worried now...

GULP!!!

Shy xx

Monday, February 02, 2004

Hi Shy here...

Simon is due back later today but he did send a inter-time/space fax whilst he's been away. He has found - although may not be able to bring back this journey the following items:


Dr Who - Moonbase episode 1.

"It has cybermen in it so I'm considering just using it as a book end... Is this one still missing?"


Hancock's 24 Hours...

Pilot show which was written by Hancock himself after he parted company with Galton and Simpson - was to have been screened on Xmas Day 1961 - but every body choose to visit the Blood Bank that day and even Tony Hancock found it boring. Apparently he suggested filming a sequel several years later which involved him slagging off his own performance on "24 hours..." - but at half speed - it would have been called Hancock's 48 Hours...


A pilot episode of the Wombles where the Wombles look like yeti - it's makes me all "tingly" seeing them like that.

A pilot episode for The Avengers with Frankie Howard as John Steed.

FAX ENDS...

Hopefully he'll have found something else and brought it back - but we don't know as yet... Apparently he ended up in Munich in 1979 and it wasn't exactly quite as far back as he'd hoped...

More tomorrow.

Shy xxx

Friday, January 30, 2004

Hello...

Shy here... I have a statement to post here, which is from Simon and reads as follows...

"...As of lunchtime today, Friday 30th January 2004... I endeavour to make my first journey in my new time machine. I am aiming for somewhere around 1972 - or failing that 1974 as according to my records these are the last years that copies of Web Of Fear or Abominable Snowman are known to have existed... Hopefully I will return and report back to you early next week... I will be travelling alone as Ruth Madoc is busy rehearsing for a play and isn't feeling up to the journey... Best wishes, Simon xx"

GULP!!!!

I'm sure we all wish Simon the best of luck...

As I write, he has just left the building and is heading for his garden shed - he has entered the shed and closed the door...

... a minute passes...

The shed appears to be shaking - there is smoke pouring from inside...

OH GOODNESS!!!!

The shed has vanished!!!

Shy xx

TO BE CONTINUED...

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

Goodness!

Greetings all...

I've had a rather odd weekend - infact in many ways it was my first experience of time travel. Into the future...
I had some scrumpy on friday evening and the next thing I remember it's sunday morning and I'm upside down with my fur shaved to a grade 3 (ooo chilly - hope it grows back quick!) and all covered in honey. That's what you get from a night out with Atomic Kitten...

Darn them and their wicked ways...

As for furthering my travels into the past - I had a long meeting with Bernard and Ruth, Val, Pam and Russ the other afternoon and I'm planning on making a trial trip out later this week...

Lots to do for now though - nuts to turn and bolts to screw...

More tomorrow one hopes...

Best wishes to you,

Simon xxx

Friday, January 23, 2004

Hello bears and girls...

How are things? HAPPY NEW YEAR...

Greetings to you, from me - Simon...

I've been very busy, as you may have heard from Shy... The return of the missing Dalek episode has spurred me on - and having spoken to my good friends Pam Ayres and Val Doonigan last night and *also* to the grumpy one off On The Buses I feel I am making the right decision. But it was Ruth Madoc who really made me think...

"Go on love..." she said, "If you want something badly enough then you've just got to go and do it..."

"Even if it might be dangerous or foolish..."

"Especially then, darlin'..."

"Well - I suppose so, Ruth..." I nodded as she served me up a lovely pancake and handed me some joyous runny treacle to go on top.

"What is it you most want in ALL the world?"

"The return of the missing 108 episodes of Dr Who - or failing that - the missing 10 that I'm in..."

"Well go find them..."

"...But they're missing..."

"Well go looking..."

"But it's not that easy..."

Ruth smiled at me cannily," Come on Simon - I spoke to Russ Abbott the other day and I know what you're planning... Those tapes may be missing NOW - but they weren't back in the past..."

I blushed, "Well - of course... They weren't..."

"SO BUILD A TIME MACHINE BOYO! LIKE I HAVE TO ADVISE YOU ON THAT!"

"I don't know what you mean, Ruth..."

"Shy tells me you've been busy down the garden shed all week - come on - spill the beans..."

"Okay..." I said... "I HAVE been building a Time machine - but it's not finished yet..."

Ruth just smiled, "Well - you just get it finished then fella - and when it's ready then you tell me - cos I'm sure there's a least one missing episode of my pre-HI DE HI career that I wouldn't mind saving..."

"Okay Ruth..." I said, "I'll let you know..."

So - there you have it - that's what I've been up to...

Listen - I have to go - I've got Bernard Cribbins coming around in a bit to recommend what paint to use on the outside my new toy and then Rula Lenska and Floella Benjamin want me to go to bingo later - so I'm dead busy...

But I'll post again soon...

Now you just keep it under your hats now won't you - about this time travel malarky... Cos I'm not sure it's legal and some one else might get the same idea as me and then try and cause trouble. Anyway...

HUGS AND LOVE

SIMON YETI xxxx


Thursday, January 22, 2004

HAPPY NEW YEAR ALL!! :-)

Shy here...

Simon's been very busy since getting back to a more normal pace of life... He's been going to auditions and everything and has been keeping his furry ear to the ground re: the casting of the new Doctor for the revigorated 2005 return of Dr Who. Although, he fears he has missed out on the title role... ("How can you expect to get anywhere if you're up against stars like Theakston and Brian Cant and that bloke who played Geoffrey off Rainbow!!" ) he is still hoping that he will be cast as a yeti - or maybe even as a yeti companion...

Other than that Simon has won himself a part in a touring production of HAIR which is due to be performed in the Spring and has done voiceovers for a couple of shampoo adverts.

"Tell them, that I am also writing my memoirs..." he told me, only this very morning.

Having not totally got to the nub of what went on in Vegas I am hoping at some point he'll write a full account of the adventure - but I feel it is now best left in the past...

Oh yes - and I expect a lot of heard about the return of one of the missing 1960s episodes of Who just last week. Episode 2 of Dalek Masterplan from 1965... Click on the link below for further detail...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/doctorwho/news/cult/news/drwho/2004/01/15/8897.shtml

Alas, Simon was exactly over the moon - having hoped that should anything return, then at least it would be something from either The Abominable Snowmen or Web of Fear.

"Bloody typical..." he moaned to me, "As if the Dalek's didn't have enough of their stories still in existance..."

Which is a tad unfair as at least 2 and three quarters of their 6 60s appearances are no longer in existance either... Still I suppose I can see what he's getting at...

"It's a scam - somebody's trying to have a laugh..." he muttered as he headed off to tea with Val Doonigan and Pam Ayres.

Since then I'm afraid he been rather busy in his tool shed... Apparently he has come up with some plan or other to sort out getting hold of all those missing episodes... Bless!

Well - hopefully I'll get him infront of a keyboard in the next couple of days and he can tell you about it himself...

All the best and may 2004 bring you much furriness!

Love Shy xxx

Thursday, December 25, 2003

SHY: Simon - have you finished in there yet?

SIMON: ZZZZZZZZZZZ...

SHY: I'll take that as a no then...

SIMON: ZZZZZZZZZZZ....

SHY: I have some Christmas dinner here and it won't push under the door... I'm going to have to eat it myself...

SIMON: WHAT? WHERE? WHEN...

*SMASH! CRASH! BANG*

The toilet door is smashed aside...

SHY: Ooooo - butch...

SIMON: I'm here now - where's me dinner...

SHY: You're gonna have to pay for that damage...

SIMON: Shut it Shy or I'm going to have to eat you...

SHY: Follow me - dinner is served...

SIMON: HAPPY CHRISTMAS READERS...

SHY: You're not supposed to do that - who do you think you are - William Hartnell...

SIMON: Oooo show us yer baubles...

THERE WILL BE MORE FROM SIMON AND SHY IN THE NEW YEAR...

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

SHY: Did it confuse you that there was somebody sitting opposite you saying he was Simon... Was your Sherbert Fur personality still dominant?

SIMON: Not really - I knew something was up... I was beginning to lose grip of all reality...

SHY: You spoke to me for a few minutes though - as if nothing was wrong - as if had never heard that Simon had been reported dead...

SIMON: I may have thought you were a ghost...

SHY: It left you nowhere to go didn't it? Because if you were beginning to realise that you weren't Sherbert - there was I - made up to look like Simon and yet you were Simon - which meant - well...

SIMON: It meant I became even more confused...

SHY: You set fire to the table cloth...

SIMON: I set fire to Las Vegas, baby...

SHY: (laughs) Errrr - yeah - you did rather...

SIMON: Celene Dion was not happy...

SHY: Errr no... But that's a GOOD thing...

SIMON: Shy...

SHY: Yeah?

SIMON: How much longer until they come and get me out of this lavatory?

SHY: Soon Simon... Soon...

Friday, December 12, 2003

*SIMON YETI HAS BEEN TRAPPED IN THE GENTS BY A YOUNG FURBALL DOING A VERY POOR IMPERSONATION OF THE LOCH NESS MONSTER... WE WILL HOPEFULLY RESUME OUR INTERVIEW WITH HIM EARLY NEXT WEEK... (SIMON, THAT IS, NOT THE FURBALL...) *

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

SHY: So Simon... You remember being in San Francisco...

SIMON: Hmm... Moot point... I remember Fur being in San Fran - it's like having someone else's memories... That was him there and not me...

SHY: Fair enough... And do you remember meeting me there?

SIMON: Not meeting you - but meeting someone who claimed to be be Fur's friend... Somehow, I don't know why - but I wasn't able to recognise you because I wasn't Simon, your friend...

SHY: ...And in Vegas... You were going more and more off the rails... You'd already been arrested in San Fran - but then after I tried to hypnotise you...

SIMON: I'm not sure that was your best move... I think it sent me screwy...

SHY: Ahhh... Well I was at a loss WHAT to do...

SIMON: Don't worry Shy... It had to happen - and then you came to Vegas too...

SHY: Yes...

SIMON: ...And you dressed up just like Simon Yeti and you went and visited me and you introduced yourself and said you were me - err - Simon...

SHY: I did...

SIMON: ...And you said that you hadn't died...

SHY: ...And how did that feel...

SIMON: Oh well - that was when I began to go REALLY screwy...

SHY: Yes...

SIMON: Can we talk about this some more later - I really need a wee...

SHY: Okay...

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

SHY: Good morning Simon...

SIMON: Good morning...

SHY: What do you want to talk about...

SIMON: I want to talk about Las Vegas and what happened there...

SHY: Here in your cell?

SIMON: If I am free to go and all charges have been dropped then maybe we could go somewhere more comfortable...

SHY: Fine... Fine... That can be arranged... You are allowed to leave - the Doctor's have spoken to the authorities and... errr... well - someone rather important spoke up for you...

SIMON: Really... Not Lizzy?

SHY: Yes...

SIMON: Awwww... Darling Liz... She and Margo and I used to frollick in the Windsor fields during the Summer holidays... She is a brick... Shall we go?

SHY: Okay Simon...

SIMON: I could murder a hot chocolate...

Monday, December 08, 2003

SHY: Simon... How have you been...

SIMON: Good Shy...

SHY: Do you want to speak today?

SIMON: Maybe later, Shy...

SHY: Will you be staying in your cell? You know you can go free if you want to...

SIMON: I will stay here... I have been very upset...

SHY: Well you just take your time, Simon...

SIMON: I will, Shy... I will... I'll talk to you later... Come back in the morning....

SHY: Okay Simon... See you then...

Friday, December 05, 2003

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR! GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! AHEM!!

*cough*

*cough*


LALALALALALALALALALA!

*ahem*

Thursday, December 04, 2003

SIMON PUSHES A NOTE OUT UNDER THE DOOR OF HIS CELL...

IT READS: I SHALL ALLOW MYSELF TO BE INTERVIEWED AGAIN EARLY NEXT WEEK...

I INTEND TO SPEAK ABOUT LAS VEGAS...

PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE TIL THEN...

SIMON x

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

SIMON YETI STILL REFUSES TO COME OUT OF HIS CELL AND IS CURRENTLY PLAITING HIS FUR INTO PIG TAILS...

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

*ikkle sobz*

Monday, December 01, 2003

SIMON YETI IS INCOMMUNICARDO AND REFUSES TO COME OUT OF HIS CELL - HAVING RECEIVED VERY UPSETTING NEWS IN A LETTER FROM IAN THE POSTMAN.

CURRENTLY HE WILL ONLY CRY AND MAKE RUMBLING NOISES LIKE A ROLLERCOASTER...

Friday, November 28, 2003

TRANSCRIPT OF PHONECALL WITH SIMON YETI FROM SLADE PRISON

Shy: How are you feeling Simon?

Simon: Officially I am very depressed and keen to get out of here. Unofficially I am quite enjoying some of the shower room perks and also the fact that there is a great vat of moonshine being brewed in one of the boiler rooms.

Shy: Isn't that a bit Prisoner Cell Block H?

Simon: Oooo - absolutely but then I'm a great fan of Prisoner... Infact I was up for the role of "The Freak" before they decided they wanted a woman - and not a furry yeti in the role...

Shy: Their loss...

Simon: Well - not really Maggie Kirkpatrick did such a great job and I got the role of an underworld boss who was eventually smothered by Bea Smith's breasts - toasted in the Press - half drowned in one of the washers - before being left to rot in the ventilation shafts... Did my own stunts too you know...

Shy: Well done... Listen Simon, we know you can't talk about what happened when you were in Vegas but do you feel positive that the authorities will side in your favour due to the accident.

Simon: Oh - I dunno... I'm sure they'll do whatever is most dramatic... Hey - I've got to go - there's a Kangeroo Court happening in 10 minutes and I don't wanna miss it... Call you in a day or so...

Shy: But aren't they bailing you tomorrow...

Simon: Oh no love - I've asked them to defer - I'm having too much fun here... (sounds of pips going to sign money running out) Byeeeee...

CLUNK.

END OF CONVERSATION.

Thursday, November 27, 2003

SIMON NEWS IN BRIEF

* SIMON IS DUE OUT ON BAIL AFTER THE WEEKEND *

WE HOPE TO PRESENT THE PHONE TRANSCRIPT OF AN INTERVIEW GIVEN BY HIM THIS EVENING ON THIS SITE, HERE TOMORROW...

Shy has posted a new post on his site: www.wideeyedbearcub.blogspot.com

Today: Straight Bears.

Enid.

More Tomorrow.

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

NEWS IN BRIEF

Simon is still under arrest - we are hoping he will get bail before friday. His doctor is being consulted as part of his appeal.

The expected newspaper exclusives appear to have been held back til Sunday - as the papers aren't sure whether to condemn or be sympathetic.

On a more positive note - Shy Yeti has started a new website...

It is called BEAR NECESSITIES AND OTHER CUBS and is a sort of cross between Sex and the City and Tales From The City - for the furry generation... It can be found at:

www.wideeyedbearcub.blogspot.com

We wish Shy well. He will be back later in the week and we are hoping to speak with Simon about his days behind bars this week. For legal reasons we are still unable to reveal details of the last few days in Vegas.

Enid.

More as we hear it...

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

ALAS WE HAVE NO NEWS...

The only letter received appears to be from Ian the Postman and that was sent prior to Simon's arrest...

Dear Simon,

Ian the postman/trainee bearkeeper here, just emailing to say welcome back furry guy!!! We were all quite worried about you when you disappeared after that awful fire, but thanks to Mr Shy's sterling efforts you made it back safe and sound, albeit with sore paws - ouch!

I have a few slots left in my diary for next week if you want to book yourself in for some fur-rejuvenation furrepy. Im sure Mr Shy will give you my phone number. But be quick, my services are becoming more popular since word got about. I had Honey Monster in a few days ago, boy did HE need a de-tangle!! His fur was all matted with bits of sugar puff - bless. Next week I have Bungle AND the Slow Norris in on the same day! Them two are an item now, don't you know. What a lovely couple they make too!

Anyway, Good to have you back, and I look forward to reading more of your adventures online soon!

All the best,

Ian the Postman


We thank Ian for his mail - but for the rest of this week at least there will be no further posts...

Please send in your letters if you care... Simon needs your support...

Expect the press to get hold of the whole story as of tomorrow...

Simon has a plan - a mission for the future - but alas his illness after the fire is threatening that future...

He needs his friends around him now...

Shy xx

Monday, November 24, 2003

PLEASE NOTE : THERE WILL BE NO POSTING FROM SIMON TODAY...

Whilst Shy was visiting Ian the Furologist on sunday the Police came to call on Simon. They wished to discuss the similarity between Simon and Sir Sherbert Fur. Seeing as he was unwell at the time of his American adventures Simon chose to admit that he was Sir Sherbert and has surrendered to their questioning and has been arrested. Alas we cannot now bring you the final installments of the Las Vegas trip at this time as the Police have asked us not to discuss Simon's case in any detail on this site.

There will hopefully be more posting later in the week.

We apologise for the inconvinience.

The Site Moderators...

PS Thank you for your kind emails - we will hopefully post up some of these during this week.

Friday, November 21, 2003

2ND POST FRIDAY SPECIAL...

We have received a letter here at the WORLD OF YETI Offices...

As follows:

>>Please let us know if you enjoyed yesterday's novelisation extract. If so we will endeavour to print more.

Dear Enid,

Yes, I thoroughly enjoyed reading wednesdays Dr Who Extract. I would be very grateful if you could post some more to the site. I see that the BBCi website has also jumped on the bandwagon and are also running a Dr Who dramatisation. I've not seen it, but I'm sure its far inferior to Simon's!

Keep up the good work,

Ian the Postman



Thank you, Ian for your kind words... Actually the BBCi effort is most enjoyable once you've downloaded it - do please check it out... As requested though I present another extract from this lost classic...

Simon xx


DR WHO AND THE LOVELY FURRY YETIS (YAY!)

A Second Extract...


Story So Far...

Whilst held hostage by the Yetis Romana was forced into making special sherbert dibdabs in Supreme Yeti's lab. This she succeeded in doing - but with the result that anyone who eats the stuff grows to an enormous size!!


"Ahhh..." beamed the Doctor, "I've never seen one that big... A mighty fine specimen..."

"Thank you Doctor..." boomed the Yeti Supreme...

"What happened here then? Jelly baby... No? Too small for you are they - size isn't everything you know - they still taste as nice..."

"Err yes, Doctor..."

The Yeti Supreme swaggered drunkenly above him - looking a trifle ill...

"Ahhh - now listen Yeti - you must warn me if you're going to be sick - I don't want to get myself washed away by the stuff..."

"I'll be okay, Doctor..."

"Dodgy kebab was it?"

"Sherbert dip..." the Yeti managed - the very mention of it made him queasy. "...Made by that infernal companion of yours... She poisoned us - look at me - my fur's dropping out everywhere..."

It was too.

"Ahhhh...." agreed the Doctor, "But just wait til all the lady Yetis hear about you - or the other men yetis depending on which way you swing - I mean I can see which way you swing but..."

Extract ends due to shocking nature of following paragraphs.

Errr. More next week!

* BREAKING WITH THE PLANNED POSTING WE BRING YOU A MONUMENTAL RETURN...

BE UPRISING FOR - THE ONE - THE ONLY...

SIMON YETI!!!!!!!!!


*cue rounds of applause*


Helllllooooo...

Yes it's me...

Sorry to spoil plans me dears - but I'm home! Shy insisted I said a wee word and I promise - oh I promise to tell you my side of the last 3 days of Vegas on Monday...

It'll be a shorter post today - but I thought I should say hello!

Bless him... Shy has been a gem - he's saved me from all sorts of trouble after that - errr - awful Sherbert Fur fella kidnapped me... (Or whatever Shy says I'm supposed to be maintaining...)

Golly! I have such *sore* paws!!!

This is (of course) due to all the running around in the dark I did on the Isle of Wight inside a suitcase... Ouch... Most painful...

Well I'm back anyway...

No - err - harm done...

So - what are my plans for the future???

Well... Next week - as I've said, I propose I finish the Vegas tale... I have auditions to go to and plans to mount and enormous search for those missing episode of mine... (Big Secret... Came to me whilst stuck in that suitcase...)

Listen friends - I am terribly tired... Which reminds me of the time I spent the evening with Babs Windsor and a mono-browed hunk called Lance... Enough said...

Shy has dashed off a poem...

ON THE RETURN OF SIMON...

Simon - Simon...
We're glad you're back...
Now returned...
Let nothing lack...
Simon - Simon...
A bit like a bear...
But slightly taller -
With wilder hair!
Simon - Simon...
Adventures done...
Thank goodness...
Not shot by a gun...
Simon - Simon...
Take it slow...
We love you loads love...
Doncha know...

Good innit? Actually I wrote it on the train in... tee hee! What does it come to when you have to write your own welcome back poem! :-) I'm sure Shy would have written one - but he's taking a rest and I've sent him to Ian the Postman for some fur-apy! :-) (Ian - the lovely fella - has written in with a request and hopefully we can give him his wish next week... His letter and my response to it will be posted sometime early next week, once things are back to normal!) ;-)

I shall be off now to hurry off and join them... To finish I present (in further self-congratulatory mode) and article published in the Evening Medium about my reappearance since the whole Fee fire debacle.

I wish you well and see you next week.

It's good to be back!!!

Simon xxxx

FUR GOODNESS SAKES...

SIMON'S BACK!!!!

It was with much relief that the showbiz world welcomed Simon Yeti back to these shores after he turned up in his ancestral home of the Isle of Wight yesterday. There were fears that he had perished in the tragic warehouse fire whilst helping a friend escape from a sinister scientist, some weeks back. Although there was some speculation initially that he had returned - the Yeti concerned actually turned out to be eccentric recluse Sir Sherbert Fur (who has since created scandals of his own over in the States and staged another disappearance...) Simon's manager, Shy, followed up leads and brought home his boss last night. "We're all glad to have him back... We have already received 6 offers to make a film of Simon's adventures - but for now he'll just be taking it easy..." was his comment - to which Simon added, "I'm glad to be here... It's been a rather busy fortnight or so..." There is no exact detail as to what Simon got up to during his absense - though Doctors have confirmed that he undoubtedly suffered from a severe case of amnesia due to the traumas of the fire.

Simon has been signed up to front the Isle of Wights 2004/2005 tourist brochure - as well as posing for a charity calendar for Fur Relief.

SIMON YETI IS MANAGED BY SHY YETI MANAGEMENT, COPYRIGHT BEECHES 2003.

Thursday, November 20, 2003

WORLD OF YETI - USA...

WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE THAT SHY YETI HAS CAUGHT UP WITH SIMON IN HIS SUITCASE AND HOPES TO BRING HIM HOME BY THE WEEKEND...

BEFORE WE CONTINUE WITH OUR U.S. TALES - WE HAVE RECEIVED A LETTER FROM ONE OF OUR MOST LOYAL READERS...

Hello there Mr Shy,

Ian the postie here, just mailing to say how much I'm still appreciating all your good work in the quest for Mr yeti's welfare. You've certainly been on a rollercoaster journey these past few weeks, what with San Francisco, Las Vegas and now the Isle of Wight! Its gripping stuff, better than Corrie!! I just hope you catch up with the furry guy soon. All that time in a suitcase will have done his coat no good at all. I've got a course of cod-liver oil and Aloe Vera ready and waiting for him when he returns.

That goes for you as well Mr Shy, if after all that globetrotting your fur is looking a bit dank, don't despair, I'm a dab hand at fur-rejuvination techniques. Let me know and I'll book you in for a session of furr-epy. It's the least I could do!

Thanks again Mr, keep up the good work!

Your faithful daily reader,

Ian the postman (Bearkeeper and fur rejuvenator to the stars)

Thank you Ian, for your kind offer. I will pass on your letter to both Shy and Simon on their return.

Enid the Underwater Sparrow xx (Deputy, Deputy Moderator)

Please let us know if you enjoyed yesterday's novelisation extract. If so we will endeavour to print more.

For now we return to the States...


TALES OF THE YETI

PART THREE...

TUES 11TH - WED 12TH NOVEMBER 2003


Tuesday 11th November...


Sherbert writes...

Today I met my saviour... Or at least I thought I did... But it was all a trick!!! Some fella in a Yeti Suit showed up at Alcatraz - JUST as I was about to make my escape - and he pays the bail and gets me free. (I was actually rather enjoying the whole adventure)

Well - it's all very nice and all - but he tells me that his name is Shyler and that he's my P.A. Well - I know I've been a bit muddled what with being in stir for - ooo - ten hours - but I don't recall ever having a P.A. Still - I'm out of jail and this guy takes me to this bar near Union Square (Lefty O'Doulls on Geary Street if I remember correctly) and we get chatting and we have a few drinks and then we get in a taxi to the Red Room on Sutter Street - and then after downing cocktails and nibbles for several hours we end up getting another cab and head for the Castro district where we have another couple in the Movida Lounge on Fillimore Street, Lower Haight. All the while we're talking I'm getting very, very drunk cos he's paying and I don't realise to start with that he's only on the mineral water... I think he's drinking neat vodka or gin! Anyway... I notice that he keeps staring at me - wiggling his eyes in a really odd manner... He's trying to hypnotise me... He thinks he's succeeded but he hasn't - I'm just half comotosed from the booze, "You're not really Sherbert Fur..." he says, "You're Simon Yeti... Don't you remember... Regress back..."

Well I totally freak! I wait until the karaoke starts and then I make a dash for it into the crowds and I keep running and he keeps following and after about half an hour of running around the Japanese Tea Gardens in the Golden Gate Park I finally lose him around Buena Vista...

I'm not sure who he was... But he wasn't no P.A...

He must be one of "them"... Someone who found out what I was planning at the Gallery and who was ordered to bump me off or something...

Well he didn't...

It's time to move on now...

I just hope I didn't give myself away last night...

Sherbert xxx


Shy Yeti writes...

Oh dear... What a fool I am... I thought I was making headway. He seemed quite jolly at first and I thought I'd got him to remember - but alas - no - I spoilt it... He gave me the slip and I fear he may have left the city... When he was very drunk and very confused he started muttering about singing in Vegas - because there was a karaoke in the bar we were in... Mentioned something about a friend who was a singer there... I've checked his hotel and his gone - so I'm taking a chance and heading for Vegas next... Let's hope I can pick up the trail again...

Shy xxx


Wednesday 12th November...


Sherbert writes...

I have arrived...

I am trying to piece together what on earth that fellow was up to the other night...

What he was trying to get me to remember...

He thought I was Simon...

Perhaps he is one of your sites - old fans...

Some kind of stalker...

How odd is that...

I AM Sherbert Fur...

I have a plan...

Dammit - I've been drinking again.

I must sleep...

Sherbert xx


Shy writes...

Just arrived in Vegas...

This could be a totally false step...

I'm sure he's here though...

Once I've slept I'll track him down...

Hypnosis didn't work...

Maybe impersonation will.

Shy xxx


Tomorrow on Tales Of The Yeti... The Last Three Days...

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

*** THE SECOND OF TWO POSTINGS TODAY ***

WORLD OF YETI - USA...

Further scribblings from last weeks San Francisco trip...

TALES OF THE YETI

PART TWO...

SUNDAY 9TH - MONDAY 10TH NOVEMBER 2003


Sunday 9th November...


Sherbert writes...


My friends...

I have entered the Gallery Of Modern Art and am in disguise - as a Roman Centurian Yeti... I plan to poison the drinks of those who have come to the opening of the new Warhol Exhbition. I'm am unsure whether I have brought the correct pills though... It's either arsenic or laxatives - I may have confused the two...

Wish me well... I must put away my lap top - people are wondering why one of the exhibits is trying to find a plug adaptor for a PC.

Sherbert xxx


Shy Yeti writes...

Having read Simon's posting on arrival here I made post-haste for the Gallery this morning. I managed to slip past the guards into the exhibition - only to witness "Sherbert" being apprehended by security guards whilst shouting out, "They should perish for their crimes..." Presumably he is confusing what the Beeb did with his 60s tv work with something that these art experts did to some film or other he made with Warhol - or something... Who knows - he's a complete fruit loop at the moment!!!!

Anyway - the poor yeti was dressed like a centurian and before I could step in they'd whisked him away - to Alcatraz!!!! Now I thought they'd closed Alcatraz back in the 60s - so I really don't know what's going on...

It's all too mighty confusing...

Oh - and none of the people at the exhibition opening died - he'd muddled up the pills thank goodness!

I think I'd better plan out my next move - at least we know he's safe though - for now...

Let's hope he doesn't try and escape from Alcatraz!!!

Shy xxx


Monday 10th November...

Sherbert writes...

Tiz cold in here and I only have a small notebook which to scribe within. I am like a modern day Pepys or Anne Frank or Jeffrey Archer or something...

They have locked me away in Alcatraz - and - no doubt, thrown away the key!

Me! Me! Sir Sherbert Fur! The rudeness of it all...

I was only endeavouring to seek justice for what was done to my work - and in turn for what was done to our good friend Simon's fine artistry.

These people! These devils! These uninspired fools! Once I am out of here they shall see...

Oh yes...

I have begun to dig my way out of here using only the hardened corpse of a dead mouse...

It will not take me forever...

Sherbert xxx

PS Was looking forward to the showers until I remembered I was the only one imprisoned here. They make the tourists stare at me... It's quite unpleasant...


Shy writes...

It's my birthday today - and what am I doing? What am I up to? Posing as Sir Sherbert's P.A. to break into his room in the Beresford... Attempting to sell myself on street corners to pay the bail (well - not quite literally - but it's been close...) I have been studying books on hypnosis too - cos once I have him out of jail that may well be my best bet... To make him realise who exactly he is... You don't even know what I've had to do to get favours from hotel staff and Policemen today - but lets just say I think I'll be calling up Mr Ian the Bear Keeper for some fur re-enhancement therapy - or whatever he's good at...

I've been posting bits and pieces on the net to keep everyone up to date and I was hoping to write REALLY details descriptions of all I've been going through - but this will just have to do - filling in the gaps from my other posts.

Anyway... Tomorrow I plan to travel to Alcatraz to secure Simon's release...

...And then I plan on getting him drunk...

...And then...

Shy Yeti magic.

We'll see!!!!!

Shy xxx

Tomorrow on Tales Of The Yeti... Tuesday And Beyond...
*** PLEASE NOTE: SHY IS STILL CURRENTLY CHASING A SUITCASE AROUND SUNNY RYDE - WE HOPE TO POST MORE OF THE SAN FRANCISCO DIARIES LATER TODAY OR TOMORROW...

UNTIL THEN - AN EXTRACT FROM AN UNPUBLISHED DR WHO NOVEL WRITTEN BY SIMON HIMSELF IN SUMMER 1979...

DR WHO AND THE FURRY LOVELY YETIS (YAY!)

The story so far...

The Dr (as portrayed by Tom Baker) has just arrived with Romana and K9 in sunny Black Gang Chime where mysterious salesmen have been spotted attempting to sell fake fur coats to posh business folk. The coats seem to totally wrap around those who have bought them and the furry business men have begun stealing sweets from school children - threatening to cause a national disaster and maybe even world war or nuclear destruction of the earth... Romana and K9 have been kidnapped and the Doctor is attempting to ensure their return...


The Doctor strode defiantly into the transport cafe - offering his jelly babies to all that would scoff them. One of the truckers had fallen asleep so the Dr picked up his tea - sipped it tentatively and carried on across the room to where the furry salesman sat counting his money.

"Ahhhhh...." said the Dr, "...Mind if I join you?"

"Not at all..." murmured the furry salesman mysteriously. "But do be careful - you're dipping your scarf in my hot chocolate..."

"Ahhh - am I? I do so hate it when that happens... You know the TARDIS used to have a launderette - but I think I might have jettisoned it after Mike Yates tried to turn it into a... oh anyway... long story... I don't think we've met..." beamed the time traveller, "I'm the Doctor... I've just arrived here you know... And you're... well - to the casual observer you look rather like a yeti... Am I right? I do believe you're holding one of my friends hostage... Short girl - awfully pretty and with a brain - well - a brain almost as intelligent as mine... Her name's Romana... Any chance of getting her back?"

The furry salesman grinned underneath all that fur, "You DO speak in terribly long sentences don't you, Doctor..."

"I have been known to..."

"That was quite a short one..."

"Would you like me to lengthen it?"

"No thankyou Doctor - it was perfectly adequate thankyou..."

"You're turn for a long sentence me thinks... Sorry - do you have a name?"

"Just Yeti..." said the furry salesman, "You were right about that one..."

The Doctor beamed, "Oh - I AM glad... Not working for the Great Intelligence any more?"

"No... We split... Turns out it wasn't as intelligent as it thought... It's this new Conservative government... Thatcher banned milk in Primary Schools and also disembodied alien entities... Effected the Nestines too - most unfortunate..."

"Most... So... Yeti..." the Doctor frowned," Isn't that a tad confusing - with there being more than one of you around - are you all called - just Yeti..."

"I am Yeti Supreme..."

"Ahhh... Sounds like a pizza... What about the others?"

"They are Yeti's number 1 to 5 - and then the big butch one is Yeti Queen... Though he's really known as Geoff..."

"Ahhhh.... Very good... But these coats of yours? They're causing problems my dear... I presume you're aware of that..."

Yeti Supreme purred to himself for a moment... "Ooooh yes Doctor... I am aware of that..."

"So what can I do to persuade you to stop... Jelly baby perhaps?"

"No thank you... Trouble is Doctor - you can't persuade me... I was rather hoping I could persuade you..."

"Ahhhh... Really... Well - go on... Impress me - I'm terribly easy to impress?"

Yeti Supreme looked a little moody but went on, "If you promise to leave us alone and go away in your TARDIS then I shall return your tin dog and your Lady Romana... How does that sound?"

The Doctor thought for a moment, "It sounds good..." he admitted, "I mean f**k the good people of the Isle Of Wight - but I really don't want you hurting my friends - so I think I might well have to go along with you there..."

"I'm glad you see it my way..."

"Ahhh... I'm glad I see it your way too... Can I trust you?"

"You can try, Doctor..."

"Okay - I'll do that... By the way - if I was to double cross you - how exactly would you view that - I mean - ultimately??"

Yeti Supreme chuckled - rose from his chair and gave an almighty GRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! scattering the chairs and tables and smashing the tea cups upon the floor.

"Does that answer your question, Dr?"

The Doctor looked sadly at his fallen tea cub - smashed to smithereens on the floor, "You trod on my jelly babies Yeti..." he sighed, "But yes... I understand you..."

"Good..." smiled Yeti, "Here's my card... Run along now won't you Dr - Romana will be returned to you soon..."

"Thankyou Yeti - most kind of you Yeti..." the Doctor turned and began backing away...

"Doctor..."

"Yes Yeti..."

"Behave yourself won't you..." the Doctor nodded, "Here's 50p - go buy yourself some more jellies... Catch..."

The Doctor caught the coin as it spun through the air - grinning madly as he caught it, "Ahhhh... Yeti... Thank you... I can get a really big bag for 50p..."

And with that he was gone...

Yeti Supreme smiled to himself, "You don't fool me Doctor..." he murmured, "I fear you will have to be destroyed..."

End of Extract.

MORE EXTRACTS SOON (PERHAPS) - MORE FROM SAN FRANCISCO SOONER>>>

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

* THERE WILL BE NO POSTING TODAY - NOT THAT ANYONE IS PROBABLY STILL READING EXCEPT FOR NICE MR IAN THE POSTMAN *

A case full of luggage sporting suspiciously furry legs was spotted running down Paris High Street, Paris nr UK last night and was almost apprehended at the local Le Bus Station. Unfortunately the suitcase hid itself amongst others on the bus bound for The Isle Of Wight, which has since sunk on attempting to cross the Channel. Shy Yeti has gone to investigate and is hoping to bring a sopping wet Simon back to London shores in the next couple of days.

There *should* be further postings re: what happened in San Francisco tomorrow - but all the notes for typing up have been left with Doris the short sighted, dumpy, spinster, stereo-typed psycho-killer and she's just had to nip out to get her glasses fixed with cellotape. Having killed 17 Super villains in her tea break.

Or something.

God knows.

There's no post today, alright! :-) Well - there is - but it's just this one...

Back tomorrow love! ;-)

Doris's Understudy - Phillip The 31st. x

PS Hello Ian! :-) You nice faithful reader you... Is anyone else still out there? Sheeeesh!

Monday, November 17, 2003

Hi ya!

There has been no sign of the case containing Simon and my underwear, as yet... Golly... What a panic! Once we get him back - and we WILL! I must approach the Press and announce Simon's return... Without giving away any hint where he showed up and certainly not giving away the fact that Simon and Sherbert are one and the same. As you may have gathered from my State-side posts - Sherbert got himself into quite a good deal of trouble with the Vegas Police, late last week.

Anyway...

I have pulled together my own journal scribblings from last week - and also bits and pieces that Simon posted - but which I held back to save any more confusion...

I'll be posting bits throughout this week - as well as any further news on Simon - I do hope we hear something soon and can get back to normal!!!


TALES OF THE YETI

PART ONE...

8/11/2003


Saturday 8th November...


Shy Yeti writes...

I have spent most of the day on the plane, having left the UK several hours ago... The films on the plane are all loud and distracting - action movies of little interest to me. The music they are playing is unengaging and my iPod is out of reach. I need something to distract me and finally I seem to have found it - an HBO movie called My House In Umbria, which funnily enough I know Simon auditioned for but never got. It now stars Maggie Smith, Timothy Spall and Ronnie Barker. (He was either up for the Timothy Spall role as the handyman - although I think he could have played the lead with some good makeup and sympathetic lighting) Maggie Smith played the part of a lady who owns a large house near Siena and - well the story is quite mysterious - but the locations keep the whole thing moving. Gorgeous!!! It's a shame Simon never got to work on that - he'd have loved to have caught up with Ronnie B (they did a couple of Two Ronnies Christmas Specials in the early 80s)

I must say, until I saw the finished product, I'd quite forgotten about the film completely. Simon flew out to Siena back in May 2002 for some read throughs - but when it all fell through he ended up working on an Italian soap opera for a couple of weeks. IL YETI PARMASAN gets massive ratings (well - at least 7 people on one farm near Rome are DEFINITELY known to watch it) I know he enjoyed the work and he certainly had the look they were after. His pronounciation was atrocious and he never made total sense of what on earth he was saying but... well... nobody complained. Simon played a kidnapper who stole away an heiress, (one of the main characters of the show - a bearded lady known only as Sally) but was finally hunted down and shot by a couple of semi-sighted Uni-cyclists.

But anyhow - why am I waffling on about Italy when it's the U.S. I'm heading for...

Oh - and I'm not sure if I explained before... We've set up the site so that you the readers can read whatever "Sherbert" or I post up - however he is only able to access or view the posts that he himself has written. Therefore he won't be aware that I am coming after him...

I was seriously concerned by the tone of his last mail... All Simon's repressed anger about what happened to his work in the 60s seems to have come out in his revived Sherbert Fur persona. I am going to have to be very careful on approaching him - incase he doesn't recognise me or worse still, recognises me but thinks I'm one of the enemy!!!

I know that he will be there in San Francisco - and that he is booked into one of the grander hotels there... I just hope that I can trace him down from any posting he makes once he arrives...

Should I get to meet him I will introduce myself and see how he reacts...

I shall sign off now - these notes may well have to wait until I return home - but I intend to post something in brief over the next few days...

Shy xx



Sherbert writes...

My Dearest Fans!

I have just checked into the Beresford... It is quite-quite splendid here! ;-) I haven't been in this part of San Fran since the late 60s - but it's still as groovy as ever. I intend to head to the Castro District this evening... I have plans to make and a few contacts to get in touch with... There is a big exhibition being set up at the Gallery Of Modern Art and I believe there is are a number of people I would like to get even with showing up for the opening ceremony... Must keep busy - much to be done and I have a rendevous at the Lone Star Bar in just over 20 minutes time. Flick Knife Carl the Bear Cub owes me a favour... It is time to call it in...

I shall be in touch again soon...

Sherbert xxx


Tomorrow on Tales Of The Yeti... Sunday And Beyond...

Sxx

PS... A letter received for Simon's attention which I thought you might find of interest...

Dear Simon,

Thank you for showing interest in our all-nude production of Othello in Stratford next season. Whilst we feel you have many assets that would be very beneficial to the piece we feel that you are - let us say - slightly too furry to appear with the other actors. You have a slightly unfair advantage in that clothed or not people wouldn't notice and the other performers might feel you had an unfair advantage. I know you'd be willing to trim down for us - but we don't think that's really fair on you - nobody really likes to see a shaven Yeti around the place do they? It's quite undignified. Maybe you would like to audition for our Morse Code Performance of Much Ado About Nothing in the Spring.

Yours as ever,

Kenny B xxx

PS I can't believe you got the Corrie job - I am SO jealous... They still won't give me a part and look at you - this'll be twice now won't it!?!

(>>>MORE ON THE CORRIE JOB LATER THIS WEEK>>>)

Sunday, November 16, 2003

Errr... Umm...

HIYA!

Well I'm home...


And - well - for a minute or two back in Vegas I didn't think we'd get Simon out of there...

But we did...

Slight problem though...

We've lost him...

When I changed planes at Chicago - well - they put him on the wrong plane...

He'll be waking up soon... Oh goodness...

What a pretty pickle... I'll sort it... Somehow... Don't fret now... It'll all work out... :-(

Shy xxx

Saturday, November 15, 2003

Las Vegas Police Report overheard...

ZCCCKK... No sign of the offender, Sherbert Fur in any of the hotels in Vegas... He may have taken a car and the Nevada authorities are looking into this... All available Police to Las Vegas airport... Let's make sure the bastard doesn't get away - if he does they're gonna come down heavy on us and there's just one person we have to answer to and you all know who that is... Let's not let it happen... None of us wants to have to put up with a dressing down by Celene Dion - let alone having to hear her sing... ZCCCKK...
SOUNDS FROM THE CASE CONTAINING SIMON YETI AS IT HEADS OFF TO LAS VEGAS AIRPORT...


zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

*mumble mumble*

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

*potato chips*

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Readers...

He lies sleeping before me...

Silent at the moment...

I have built him a nest of slightly soiled socks and shirts - but it's the best I can manage... It could have been worse - it could have been pants...

I am draping a towel over his fur - tucking him in as I close down the suitcase over his head... There is not a lot of room...

But he is sleeping...

For now...

Time to come home...

Shy xxx

Friday, November 14, 2003

They are all out looking for Sherbert Fur...

But they will not find him...

He has gone...

Whilst I...

I cannot move...

I have seen a ghost...

A GHOST! A GHOST!

But it cannot be...

He was there before me...

But it cannot be...

I have seen a ghost - but it cannot be...

I cannot seem to leave here - I cannot move a muscle...

I close my eyes now.

It is time to sleep.

How can I have seen the ghost of Simon Yeti when...

I - AM - HE...

Hi,

I have done all I can...

Hopefully I have done all I can to stop him causing any more unneccessary disorder around here...

I am hoping my plans have worked - but we will see...

I have left him in the All You Can Eat Buffet and he's not able to get away...

I've gone to fetch a big net...

I'm bringing Simon home - in my cases...

I just hope he nobody notices...

Shy xxx

Thursday, November 13, 2003

Hi Readers!

I arrived yesterday and checked in to the Excalibur... It's really nice - but luxury is the least of my concerns and certainly not why I'm here...

It's taken me a while but I know where Simon is checked in... I was looking for all the bigger hotels like Caesars Palace and Paris-Las Vegas - but no - he'd chosen a really small one. The Imperial, quite the opposite end of the Strip from where I'm based...

Anyway... I am ready to don my disguise - I am ready to go and meet him... I left a message in reception and sure enough he has swallowed the bait...

I'm not sure whether I'm going to be able to write again before I return... I should be back by sunday if all goes to plan... But only *if* it does...

If this little idea doesn't work then I might just have to resort to desparate measures...

Fingers crossed it doesn't come to that...

Shy xxx
Hello people...

How are we all?

I've been busy...

Oh yes... They'll soon learn...

If all goes to plan they'll get the message sometime between friday and saturday midday.

It's all a matter of timing...

Anyway - gotta go now - I need to hook up with an old friend...

Sherby xx

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

Readers...

I'm leaving San Francisco and heading for Vegas because that's the only clue I have to where he might be...

I have been thinking and...

I HAVE A NEW PLAN! ;-)

Once I get there - if I can find him... Welll - I have a little surprise in store...

And a disguise...

I won't say any more for the moment...

Cyas...

Shy xxx

PS Don't worry if you haven't been following all this... I have written longer diary entries for posting once I get home... It'll all make sense then! ;-) xxx
Darlings!

I have arrived in Vegas... I got rid of that silly fellow who claimed to be my P.A.! I don't *have* a P.A.... Still - he did buy me free drinks! ;-) Anyway - I've slipped away from him... There is a bit of a do going on around here and - well - I'm prepared, let's just say... Prepared for a spot of revenge...

Kisses to you all!

Sherbert xxx

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

Readers...

Things got a bit out of hand last night at the bar... I thought I had made a break through... After 17 pints and 2 packets of pork scratchings (American style) Simon was beginning to muddle his speech AND it seemed - his memories... But then I got too confident and tried to persuade him to return to England and - well - that was much too soon...

One thing led to another and he slipped away...

I'm not sure where he's off to but he did mention something about Vegas during his drunken spree... I think he has "business" there... I dread to think what that is... He appears to have checked out of the Beresford...

It's tuesday morning here - breakfast time - I'm trying to prepare a plan - of sorts...

What next?

I am *rather* back to Square One...

Shy xxx
Howdo!

Well just as I was beginning to enjoy Alcatraz who should come along but... errrr... I'm not certain but he was kinda cute and paid for me to get out jail (if not free)... Oh hell... Now he wants to take me drinking... Who am I to refuse...

He says he knows me...

Maybe it'll all come back to me?????

Sherby xxxx
Hi Readers,

I have bailed him of gaol - it cost me all my sweetie money and I've only got enough to take him out and get him very drunk and then maybe I'll be able to hypnotise him...

...Or myself...

Dammit! Gotta be careful with the technology!

Wish me luck...

Shy xxx

Monday, November 10, 2003

FIFTH AND FINAL POST...


Sherbert here...

What the HELL is going on...

I am incarcerated... Locked away dammit! They have reopened Alcatraz for me... What the hell do they think they're playing at... Don't they know who I am?

Things didn't go quite as planned at the Gallery earlier... Although I did drop pills into a couple of fiendish people's pills - although sadly they were only laxatives - still it's better than nothing!!!

I SHALL GET ME REVENGE! I SHALL! I SHALL! I SHALL!

I will also find my way out of here - one way or another...

Until then - at least it will give me another good story for the autobiography...

More... Soon...

Sherbert xxxx
FOURTH POST TODAY...

Shy here...

I have found Simon's room... Or at least the room where he has booked in under his Sherbert Fur persona... I am staying at the Commodore whilst he is just down the road at the Beresford... I blagged my way up into his room claiming to be his P.A. He has been arrested - early today - well - yesterday now - it's only early Monday morning here... Yesterday he was arrested - so I should be safe...

I've been trying to think of a way to make him realise he's not who he thinks he is...

I've been flicking through the Yelow Pages...

Hyponotism might well be the answer...

Gotta go...

Shy xxxx
THIRD POST TODAY...

NEWS IN BRIEF...


THAT'S NO WAY TO BEAR-HAVE - BUT THEN AGAIN HE'S A YETI...


Notorious eccentric, Sir Sherbert Fur who was the wow of the Warhol set back in the late 60s and early 70s caused a rumpus yesterday in San Francisco when he turned himself into a living art exhibit in protest for... well - nobody is quite sure... Sir Sherbert who is working on his autobiography spent most of sunday growling at visitors to the city's famous modern art gallery and was eventually arrested...

Article cuts out...
SECOND OF SEVERAL POSTS TODAY...

DELAYED AND INTERCEPTED...



Dear Readers,

You should be assured that I have matters in hand...

I have a plan which will take me to the San Francisco Gallery Of Modern Art...

A plan that will assist my revenge and in turn also Simon's...

These people are scum darlings... They will not be missed...

Tell you more tomorrow... Just you wait! :-)

Sherbert xxxxx
BRIEFLY...

HI! SHY HERE... HAVE ARRIVED IN SAN FRANCISCO... THINK I HAVE TRACKED DOWN SIMON IN HIS SHERBERT FUR PERSONA AND AM HOPING TO MEET HIM... HAVE WRITTEN MUCH LONGER DIARY ENTRIES ON THE TRIP SO FAR WHICH I CAN POST YOU WHEN I RETURN - HOPEFULLY WITH SIMON...

AM TERRIBLY CONCERNED AT THE POST HE LEFT ON FRIDAY - SEEMS LIKE HE HAS A FEW PLANS THAT I REALLY THINK COULD PROVE TROUBLE - MUST STOP HIM FROM DOING SOMETHING HE REGRETS...

THANKFULLY HE CANNOT SEE ANY OF MY POSTS - ONLY HIS OWN...

ANYWAY...

HOPE TO BE IN CONTACT AGAIN SOON...

SHY XXX

Friday, November 07, 2003

THIS IS THE SECOND OF TWO POSTINGS TODAY...

Hi folks!

Sir Sherbert Fur here!

Just to say that I am now the new tenant of this site - but hey - I am more exciting than dear departed Simon anyway...

Just wanted to introduce myself - I was one of Warhols gang - I lived for four years in the Factory... It was a blast and I intend to tell you all about it - and all about just how exciting my life is now... I have a big-BIG plan in the works - I may be about to commit the CRIME OF THE CENTURY... I think your friend Simon would understand this and be proud of motives... I have scores to settle with some of the producers who have hindered my career in the same way as Simon had issues with some of the superiors at the Beeb and how they destroyed his work for their petty penny pinching... Time for a little spoonful of sweet revenge, me thinks...

Tell you more next time...

I shall write again soon - I'm over in San Fran at the moment - but I must dash - I have a swimming pool full of darling furguys and furgals and I really don't want them all to go to waste...

Keep your whiskers clean boys...

Post again soon...

Cyas petal!

Sherbert xxxxx
Readers...

Shy here... I have to be quick...

This will be the last regular posting for the next 10 days - however I will endeavour to update you of any developments...

I am convinced that Simon is still with us - I am trying to get the Police to block an obituaries and I won't be party to writing any myself until I know the truth. I believe wholeheartedly that he escaped the fire and is perhaps suffering from amnesia or identity disorder - I am even more convinced of this since for two reasons...

1. The following newspaper article printed in yesterdays Evening Medium...

SIMON? NO - JUST A SHY MAN...

Fans of Simon Yeti could almost have been mistaken for thinking that Simon had returned from the dead when eccentric millionaire Sir Sherbert Fur was sighted leaving the country last night. Sir Sherbert Fur, one of Andy Warhols chums back in the heady days of the 60s had been visiting the country "Simply for a holiday and research purposes..." He claimed to be working on his autobiography "FUR ENOUGH", to be published sometime during 2004. Sir Sherbert has not been publically sighted on these shores for a good 30 years and it was not known who he may have been visiting. Asked to comment on the mysterious demise of Simon Yeti (who the Police declared yesterday had definitely perished in the Egham hanger fire) Sherbert simply mumbled "I am not aware of his work" and checked onto a flight bound for San Francisco...

There is a picture accompanying this article of a very flamboyantly dressed yeti in a kaftan...

The second reason is as follows:

2. I received an email today...

-----Original Message-----
From: Sir Sherbert Fur [mailto:sirsherbertfur.yahoo.co.uk]
Sent: 07 November 2003 00:33
To: 'shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk'
Subject: Simon Yeti

Dear Shy,

I believe you were the manager of Simon Yeti, actor. May I send my condolences. I had not heard of your friend, Simon - but was reading about some of the recent events leading to his tragic demise. Since arriving home I have been reading the last few posts of his worldofyeti site and found it fascinating. He really did lead an exciting life and at least appeared to have died a hero... It's wonderful to discover that there are other yeti's out there with ALMOST as much of a wonderful career of my own... It's strange to think that Simon and I were probably contemporaries. He in the U.K. and I over here in the States - and yet we never met or rubbed paws. His work was more in tv I believe - whilst mine was in long and rambling 36 hour monologues by Warhol. I presume you've seen Fur and Growlboys? Anyway - as I am working on my autobiography at the moment I am feeling in a writing mood and am keen to offer my services to fill the gap left on your site. I am back over in San Francisco at the moment and am visiting friends in Las Vegas later next week. I will be staying at the Commodore and the Excalibur. Do give me a call if you need my help at all. Payment in Sherbert Fountains, if you will! ;-)

Yours growllingly,

Sir Sherbert Fur x


I wrote back to Sir Sherbert - allowing him access to the site should he wish to post over the next few days...

I intend to head for San Francisco myself to try and speak to him...

...And why?

*Are you sitting down?*

Because Sir Sherbert Fur IS Simon...

Sir Sherbert Fur is a joke nom de plume used by Simon in 60s when he fed up of only getting cast for cameos in Cornonation Street and Crossroads. One day in 1969 he dressed up all fancy and went over to the States and talked his way in Warhol's celebrity set - even becoming quite well known for it... By the early 70s he was bored of it all and gave it up - shedding the disguise and coming home to the U.K.

NO-ONE EVER LEARNT THE TRUTH - THAT IT WAS SIMON ALL THE TIME - IT WAS ONE OF HIS LITTLE JOKES!!!

Hey - if you don't believe me I have the photos, I have the diaries to prove it...

Sir Sherbert Fur DOES NOT exist... But somehow - during the escape - during all that trauma he has forgotten who he is a slipped into this whole false persona...

I have to go out there - to talk him round - make him see sense...

I will keep a diary and try and post whilst I'm out there - or update you as events develop...

Wish me luck - and celebrate...

One way or another Simon is alive...

It's just a matter of bringing him back to us...

Shy xxx

Thursday, November 06, 2003

Quote of the Day


"Why can't I breathe, whenever I think about you...
Why can't I speak, whenever I talk about you..."
Liz Phair.

Readers,

Shy was to have written about his friendship with Simon, today. But is, quite frankly, inconsolable about the news that the Police believe his friend to have died in the fire.

We have had very few comments forwarded onto us since the accident.

The world is still in shock.

Today there is just one letter - it is a letter of hope and it comes from Ian in Folkestone, who I think says it all.


Dear Shy,

I just wanted to write and say how shocked I was to read about Simons latest predicament. It really has turned out to be quite an adventure for the poor Yeti, but Im *sure* he is OK. Yeti's are made of very tough stuff, despite that fluffy exterior. Fingers crossed he will make contact with you soon!!

I also want to say thanks to you for bringing us the daily instalments, even though they have been quite harrowing at times. I cant be easy for you, but we all appreciate what your doing.

If, no, *when* Mr Yeti is home and safe please say thanks to him for answering my recent questions. I'd be happy to make an appointment with him for some fur care if he needs it. Im sure his coat is going to need some serious shampooing and combing after all he's been through this week!

Anyway, keep up the good work, and give my best wishes to the furry guy on his return.

Ian Mansfield (Bearkeeper and fur-ologist)


Thank you Ian for your encouraging words. They are much appreciated.

What ARE we going to do without Simon around??? :-(

We must stride on - like a mighty yeti and do as he would have done...

Any one for Sherbert Dibdabs?

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

Yeti Links Of The Day...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/news/drwho/2003/11/04/7773.shtml

More news from Panopticon from the official BBC Dr Who website.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/doctorwho/gallery/radiotimes/10jamieandvictoria.shtml

Wanna a Yeti screen saver? This picture is from the 1973 10th Anniversary Dr Who Radio Times special and features Simon Yeti...

THERE HAS BEEN NO FURTHER NEWS ON SIMON TODAY AND NO FURTHER ARTICLES THAT HAVE SHED ANY LIGHT ON ANY OF THE QUESTIONS STILL AT LARGE REGARDING THE FIRE...

IN PLACE OF THE USUAL POSTING WE REPRINT AN ARTICLE FROM A SUMMER 1978 EDITION OF TARDIS MAGAZINE - AN INTERVIEW WITH SIMON YETI HIMSELF... IT HAD BEEN OVER 10 YEARS SINCE HIS LAST PROPER APPEARANCE ON THE SHOW AND PRIOR TO HIS BRIEF CAMEO IN 1983's FIVE DOCTORS 20TH ANNIVERSARY STORY... AT THE TIME THERE WAS SOME HOPE WITHIN FANDOM THAT THE YETI WOULD RETURN IN SEASON 16s KEY TO TIME STORIES WHICH WERE DUE TO BE AIRED THE FOLLOWING MONTH...

SUMMER NIGHT YETI!!

BY HOLLY SWISS.

TARDIS MAGAZINE.

AUGUST 1978.

Simon Yeti first appeared in Dr Who in 1967 during The Abominable Snowman and in it's sequel Web of Fear, the following year... Since then his career has largely moved away from Science Fiction and he has appeared in Z Cars, Lulu's Christmas Special and Callan to name just 3 of his more recent tv appearances.

TARDIS magazine caught up with him having just completed a cameo in The Professionals as Underworld Villain Jock McFur.


1. How is the new role going? Do you get to growl very much?

There have been quite a few problems - this is one of the early episodes of the Second Series which is due to be transmitted from early October. Things are running behind and it rather looks as if my appearance might be cut right down or end up on the cutting room floor entirely, I'm afraid... But these things happen - and I've been paid so I can't complain. Still, I do feel a bit fed up about it all at the moment. Lewis (Collins) and Martin (Shaw) were great fun to work with and I have worked with Gordon Jackson before on a 1974 episode of Upstairs Downstairs. And no - there wasn't a lot of growling needed for this particular role.


2. Can you confirm or deny the rumours that the Yeti will be returning to Doctor Who when the series returns to our screens next month.

I would love to be able to confirm it, but I have certainly not been asked back and none of the Yeti that I'm friends with have heard from the BBC. I'm sorry - it's very disappointing - but I don't think we're considered worthy of a return under the current regime. That said - I quite often drink with Tom Baker and I know he was very keen to have me as a companion a couple of years ago after Liz Sladen left the show. But it wasn't to be.


3. Going back to the 60s - who originally approached you to play your part in Abominable Snowmen?

It was actually Doreen, the BBC Tea Lady... I was temping in finance at the time, early '67 and poor old Dor she was lovely but totally scatty - a bit like a gold fish. Everyday she'd come upstairs and bring sandwiches around the offices and every day I'd show up and she'd scream and forget she'd seen me working there. One day - whilst she was picking herself up and dusting herself down she said to me, "Simon... You should
apply for a job on that Dr Who programme..." She knew I was an actor of course and she got hold of an application form for me and the next thing I know there's a script being written by Henry and Merv and - well - suddenly I'm a BIG name monster scaring kids all over the country on a saturday night!


4. Had you watched the show prior to appearing in it?

I had. I was very jealous of William Hartnell's fur - it was very wayward and impressive. I did actually apply for the role of the Dr in '66 but I never heard back from them and of course Pat Troughton got the job instead. My favourites were The Voords or whatever they were called. They were only in one story - The Keys of Mayonnaise!?! was it (actually Keys Of Marinus) but I think they could have been as big as the Daleks. I also enjoyed the Sensorites and The Zarbi who were also very menacing. Which reminds me I used to share a room with one of the Cavemen from the very first story. Lovely guy, Uggg - but never got the hang of the whole fire thing and was always burning his toast or eating his baked beans stone cold.


5. At the time of your first appearance on the show, how experienced were you in tv/film acting?

I'd done quite a bit of stage work and done some radio comedy with Tony Hancock in the late 50s soon after arriving in mainland Britain from the Isle Of Wight, where I was born and grew up. Actually - I'd done a couple of feature films with Bob Monkhouse as well - who is just one of my very favourite people. I could go on - but I'd only bore people. But the acting world is a very fickle place and I always did and still do have my ups and downs, like everyone else. Prior to working on Dr Who I was temping as I mentioned and before this recent work on The Professionals I've gone through a very quiet period...


6. Do you have any amusing anecdotes from the making of Abominable Snowmen.

Oh yes, most certainly! I remember all the mud for a start and also how wonderful it was to meet up with so many of my friends and relatives for all the O.B. work. Patrick and Frazer and Debby were just a blast to work with. Of course the thing that really sticks in my mind is the studio work we did later on - mainly for the last episode... There were problem with the Monsters on the series not being paid as much as the human actors and load of them, Cybermen, Ice Warriors the lot all went on strike... All the other Yeti went on strike too - but nobody told me and the BBC turned up at my door and chauffeured me off to the studios and I had to do all the Yeti scenes for Part 6 on my own. I couldn't understand it - why I was the only one - having to charge down corridors growling, wearing lots of different hats to make it look like there were loads of us. I only found out later and I can tell you - it nearly cost me my career. My name was most definitely mud for a few weeks after that. The BBC were very underhand about it all. They got the Ice Warriors back on side for the following story - but then they were stuck and had to do a non-monster story (Enemy Of The World) until they could persuade us all back for Web...


7. You have commented before that you disliked the changes in your character introduced during Web Of Fear. Can you explain what especially annoyed you?

Well - other than the problems already mentioned - it was mainly the "glowy" eye things they made us wear - supposedly to make us look more scary... The bulbs they made us wear were really painful to wear and I kept walking into the set. Some people seemed to feel we succeeded in being more frightening but I'm not so sure - I just think we looked like Yeti with lamps over our eyes ie: a bit silly...


8. But did you enjoy the making of Web otherwise - as well as reuniting with the TARDIS crew that you'd worked with previously?

Of course... They were marvellous people to work with.... I particularly remember a joke we played on Debby Watling with a pair of my pants - but it's really too confusing to go into at the moment. Filming in the Underground was all very cramped of course - but the rats down there were pretty tasty... Of course the BBC denied that we ever filmed down there and said it was mostly just sets, but there were several members of the cast who were rather expert with the old lock picking - so we'd just wait for the Underground to close and then nip down and play around down there and get the filming done between about 1 and 4.30am! Late nights - but fun... Oooh - the stories I could tell you - but they must stay secret until the day I decide to write my autobiography...


9. How developed were plans for the 3rd Yeti story and how well did you get on with the writers of your particular adventure.

We all got on very well. There was a lot of research involved on their part and as for the 3rd Yeti story - it was quite involved and concerned Clacton and Yeti's doing silly dances and stuff... All very long-winded... I forget the details but I do have it all written down somewhere... I'll get back to you on that one...


10. Why do you think the Yeti did not return after Web Of Fear - especially as you made a brief cameo in Patrick Troughton's last story and also appeared at a press call when Jon Pertwee was announced as the new Dr in late 1969.


BBC politics I'm afraid... You're right - I did make a cameo appearance in War Games - though I think it was just stock footage. I was quite enthused by Pertwee initially cos of the whole "Yeti on a toilet at Tooting Bec Station" quote and appearing at the press call did raise all our hopes I will admit... But alas it was not to be... The trail went cold and then they ended up inviting my friend Nicholas to appear in the show - he played the beast called Aggador in a couple of stories in the early 70s and well - he kind of filled in the furry gap left by our own departure...


11. How did you feel about being asked back for the 1973 Radio Times photo shoot?

I only did it so I could catch up with Debby and Frazer again... It was most odd and by then I wasn't expecting to hear the call to actually appear on the show again. Infact it was the Radio Times who paid us for the shoot - they always did such nice canapes and it was lovely seeing those two again. We got totally squiffy and it was just marvellous! I think I look especially good in that shot - very handsome... I was pleased with the final result I will admit and I earned more from that one photo - about 20 minutes work than I did for a whole six episodes back in '67... The picture was taken in the middle of Hyde Park but they hadn't mowed it for a bit so it looked dead wild and unruly! Splendid...


12. Does it still annoy you that none of your stories exist in the BBC archives?

Does it ever!!! I try to make light of it - but it really upsets me... Whoever ordered that to happen should be set upon by a randy Krynoid... Send me the head of the Director General on a stick - either than or a nice steak n chips... Actually - I REALLY don't want to discuss it - I only learnt about the whole junking business a couple of weeks ago - it totally disgusts me - I'm sorry - but it's inexcusable. Hopefully it's not going to happen for very much longer - but that's too late for us actors and the fans of the show... I mean, I'd have bought them new blank tapes and kept the ones I was in had I known they were doing that. Afterall - you can get a pack of 5 from WHSMITHS for about £2.50. Next question - before I cry...


13. If you were asked back - would you be happy to return to the show... Maybe for a Movie length special?

Hmm... After my last answer I'm not sure they'd WANT me back... But yes - under a more enlightened regime at Auntie, then yes - maybe... A movie would be a whole different ball game and I'd certainly be interested in that. Who do I think should play the Dr? Other than Tom Baker, of course... That would have to be me, I guess! ;-) I think what would be good is if they did a special episode in 1983 for the 20th anniversary - set say on Gallifrey - with as many Doctors as they can gather together pitted against the wits of all the shows old baddies - but with the Yetis obviously masterminding the whole project - perhaps call it Yeti's Vs The Five Doctors... Oooh - and should Tom Baker ever leave (maybe in 1981 or something) then I reckon that bloke off All Creatures Great And Small would make a marvellous replacement - you know the one - Christopher Timothy...


14. Have you kept in touch with any of the people you worked with on the series - or ever watched the series since you last appeared in it?

I mentioned my flatmate earlier, but I didn't actually work with Uggg on the show. Frazer and Debby and I always got on well - and I kept in touch with Pat every year by Christmas card until he sadly passed away. I know a lot of the other Monsters, of course - especially the Yeti ones. And I sometimes have tea with Evelyn the Cybermat but she mainly just clicks and twitters at me. Although she does it very intelligently and with a whole heap of charm! Did I watch the series after I left it? Not for quite some time... Not until I became friends with Tom a year or two ago... But I've watched most of his now - I particularly liked the one with the Giant Rat in and they even let me eat the rat when they'd finished with it... Oh - and the one with the Zygons in... I went out with one of those for a while - but it's so confusing meeting them for a drink... What with them being shape-shifters and all - you never quite know who you're supposed to be meeting...

But Tom - yes... He's terribly good, don't you think? I'll be watching when the show returns in September - whether the Yeti are in it or not... These days it's not really about the BBC - it's about Tom being so very excellent - he'll do exactly what he wants... I only wish he'd stand for P.M. next year...


15. Finally, what projects do you have lined up for the future?

After The Professionals I have a sitcom about Rasputin lined up and I'm due to appear in an advert where I play the Dulux Dog's stunt double... All good fun - but the pay's crap - but then it always was...

Thank you for talking with us, Simon. It was a pleasure meeting you.


THERE WILL BE MORE FROM WORLD OF YETI TOMORROW WHEN SHY YETI AND SOME OF THE FANS CELEBRATE AND SHARE THEIR MEMORIES OF SIMON'S CAREER TO DATE...

STAY TUNED.

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

* DUE TO THE SERIOUS CONTENT OF THIS POSTING THERE IS NO YETI LINK OF THE DAY *

Yeti Link Of The Day: www.noneatallconcerningyeti.furngrr.com

Readers...

You will need to be seated before reading this posting... It contains a second tape transcript and a newspaper article which appeared in last nights Evening Medium.

*COMPILED FROM SIMON'S AUDIO SOURCES: THU 30TH OCTOBER - SUN 2ND NOVEMBER 2003*


Thursday...

We have been constantly on the move since I sent you the last tape - I have been unable to contact you directly because Fee has needed constant monitoring... The eggs are nearly ready to hatch - within the next day or two. Fee is weakening and finding it very difficult to hold back the flames. Dr Pyre has been unstoppable in his pursuit of us... Fee has come up with an idea... She has suggested that she render herself unconscious so that she becomes harder to trace. I agreed reluctantly. This puts me in charge of the eggs. At first I thought she wanted me to hit her or something - which I really wasn't keen on - but she bought sixteen bottles of red wine from an off license and is busily gulping those down at the moment. She is yet to offer me any. That said the wine looks seriously cheap and I'm not sure I do want any. I am drinking something of my own concoction that I have called Sprite Extra (25% Sprite, 75% Vodka) - yum... But only a bottle or two cos I need to stay alert... I takes a lot of Voddy to knock a Yeti over...

Anyway... We have found what appears to be a large hanger full of boxes - which we are hoping to use as a base for the next couple of days... Maybe long enough for Fee to help the Phoenixes successfully hatch...

I'll switch off now to conserve the batteries...


Friday...

Oh dammit... We're in an egg factory... Fee is unconscious, having drunken herself into a state where Dr Pyre can hopefully not locate us and - ummm - the Phoenix eggs are missing...

Let me explain... It wasn't exactly my fault... The Sprite Extra was slightly stronger than I intended, is all...

Okay! Hey look - I admit it - I fell asleep...

When I say an egg factory it is actually a factory which turns real eggs in processed egg - so most of the eggs are actually dry and some of them are simply "suspended" for later use... The eggs haven't hatched but they've burnt their way through the container and have rolled off... I've found one of them - it was so hot it had left a burnt track from where it had rolled across the floor... It surely won't take me long to find the others... There doesn't seem to be anyone in the hanger - although a van parked up aside and loaded into the unit next door...

There was a radio news report going at the time - it mentioned us and I recorded it...

"Simon Yeti - Z list celebrity furball and star of televisions Dr Who in the 60s has gone missing... He was last seen trying to put out a bush that a friend of his, Miss Felicity Nicks had set alight. Miss Nicks is a prolific arsonist who is wanted in questioning for a number of recent blazes. Her own flat and a number of cinemas have been recent victims of her fiery temper. It is not known why Simon Yeti is aiding Miss Nicks and hasn't handed her into the Police - but as Mr Yeti himself recently sustained injuries after falling from a window on a passing lunatic - there is a possibility that he, himself has become a tad unhinged. His friend, Shy Yeti is adamant that this isn't the case...

'I am expecting to receive details regarding this matter in the next couple of days and have assured the Police that whatever the reason is Simon is of totally sound mind...'

Dr Felix Pyre, who is Miss Nick's carer is not so sure...

'This woman is a danger to people, I am afraid... She broke out of a secure unit and must be brought back for her own safety... I was aware that she had been writing to Mr Yeti for some years and they were in contact - but when I spoke to Simon the other day he assured me that he would help me get in contact with Felicity and ensure her safe return. Why he has gone back on this promise I don't know... He is in great danger if he chooses to give her safe haven - and frankly I am concerned about his own mental health... After all, he has mentioned in previous interviews that he used to imbibe large helpings of Sherbet in the past and having sustained this fall recently, who knows what might be going through his addled mind... Frankly they may BOTH be a huge menace in their current unhinged states...'

The Police hunt continues..."


I, of course was furious - I considered sending Shy a smoke signal or a message by pigeon - but in the end neither option seemed exactly appropriate - OR possible...

Hopefully Shy you will have received my first tape by now and will endeavour to divert matters... I don't care about my own reputation just at this moment - only in the safe passage of Fee and the hatchlings... From what Fee has told me I believe Felix Pyre to be an evil man... Hopefully we will be safe here in the hanger...

All I have to do is wait for Fee to recover and also to solve the small problem of finding the missing eggs...

It can't be THAT hard...


Saturday...

It WAS that hard...

The Phoenixes haven't hatched fully but they have sprouted legs and they have been running around the hanger all day... I even found one attempting to ask directions from a box of "suspended" eggs, whilst another was busily trying to bury itself in the ground. At least 2 of them I found attempting what appeared to be Sumo wrestling - endangering their shells and a third was attempting to fill in an application form for next years Pop Idol. Or something. The bloody things are extremely hot to the touch and I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to pick them up... But I did - and they're all back...

They are ready to hatch - any time now... But there is just one small, but urgent problem!!!

Fee seems to have set herself into a trance - but I can find no way to revive her... I tried singing to her - old Barry Mannilow songs - but it just seemed to send her deeper in.. She will wake when she is ready I suppose... But the hatchlings seem ready... Whatsmore I fear that although she is unconscious she might well be giving herself away... She keeps calling out to Felix Pyre... Does this mean that if she is thinking about him in her dream state then he might be able to find us...

Fee's body is as cold as ice - but she is breathing... It's all so different from how hot she was previously...

This can't be a good sign...


Sunday...

The hatchlings calmed down over night... They must be sleeping. There shells are only cracked where their feet are pointing out. Fee is beginning to revive - but both of us need food... Fee certainly needs food if she is going to create the fire for the Phoenixes. Overnight I cast away any concern about what will happen to this hanger after the fire... I do not truly know what will happen to Fee... She claims she will be reborn along with the Phoenixes - but I am not sure that I believe her. When we talked about this before she simply described herself as "the match to light the fire"... Well when a match is lit it tends to burn away - or at least loses a lot of it's original appearance... I fear that Fee will be but a burnt out stump of her former self...

I told her as much, "Whatever is the case Simon..." she said, "Just remember that I love you dearly for being such a good friend to me... You only need stay with me until the fire begins - after that you must leave... Let the fire burn and be gone..."

What on earth am I going to do - what am I going to say to people after the fire...

Her body is warming...

I am going to risk nipping off to KFC (are chickens anything like Phoenixes - maybe I should try Burger King) for something stodgy yet reviving... All I have eaten in the last two days is dried egg and an appalling attempt at an omelette...

*tape clicks*

Fee has eaten and is revived... We have spoken briefly but there is danger...

On my way back from Burger King - all disguised under a blonde wig just incase the Police were about - I think I saw Felix Pyre... He was dressed suspiciously... (I can talk) ...as a pantomime goose but I don't think he saw me... However he may soon be able to trace us down now that Fee is conscious again and aware.

There is no time to move on now...

Flames are shimmering around Fee now...

"It is time..."

*tape clicks*

I have had to leave Fee... There are noises outside of the hanger... The door seems to have been forced...

I can smell burning...

Fee is on fire... I can hardly see her amongst the flames... The eggs are ready to hatch... I can hear the birds squarking...

There is someone in the hanger with me...

I can see someone up on the gantry - someone in a pantomime goose costume carrying a fire entinguisher...

"DR PYRE..."

*tape clicks*

Felix Pyre just threw a large golden egg at me and nearly knocked me off the gantry. I am bruised... I am...

*SOUNDS OF RUSTLING AND FIGHTING...*

"Don't you dare... OUCH! Stop that right now..."

"I MUST HAVE THOSE EGGS!!!"

"LEAVE THEM ALONE PYRE... GROWL! YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME WHEN I'M ANGRY!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...... OUCH... NO-ONE GIVES SIMON YETI A WEDGEY!!!

*FURTHER SOUNDS OF FIGHTING AND COUGHING - THERE IS OBVIOUSLY MUCH SMOKE IN THE HANGER... SUDDENLY THERE IS A SCREAM... SOMEONE HAS FALLEN FROM THE GANTRY...*

*tape clicks*

*THERE IS A VOICE - IT IS WEAK - THERE ARE MANY OTHER SOUNDS - BURNING - SCREAMING VOICES AND FRANTIC BIRD CALL*

It's me... Simon... Dr Pyre has fallen from high up here on the gantry... Fee is calling for me to leave... The Phoenixes are hatching and she looks like a pile of living breathing ash... But I can't get down... Not unless I throw myself down - but all the boxes below are burning... *coughs* I have done my duty... I just want to watch the phoenixes - they look so marvellous... the colours are so wonderful - the birds are flying high now... through the smoke - up - up - to their escape... *coughs* I have done my job... I hope Fee isn't hurting too bad... I can't get to her now... *coughs* the gantry is warming up but that's kind of nice - kind of cosy... I think I shall go to sleep... *coughs*

All I ever wanted was to be the hero...

I hope my fur isn't too badly scorched...

Oh well.

*TAPE ENDS*

*THIS WAS FOUND AT THE SITE OF THE FIRE ON MONDAY AFTERNOON AND WAS REMOVED BY SHY BEFORE FORENSICS ARRIVED... ALL THAT REMAINED OF THE HANGER WAS ASH AND EGG SHELLS... THE ONLY BODY FOUND WAS THAT OF DR FELIX PYRE IN WHAT REMAINED OF HIS PANTOMIME GOOSE COSTUME...*

The following article appeared in the Evening Medium yesterday and as yet there have been no further information...

EGG ON FACE IN FIRE MYSTERY...

Police locate missing Yeti and his pyromaniac pal.

Evening Medium, Monday 3rd November 2003...

Police fought through the night and into the early hours of this morning to put out a seemingly unvanquishable blaze at a processed egg processing plant near Egham. This event appears to be the tragic finale to an almost week long hunt for Miss Felicity Nicks, (age-unknown) a career arsonist whose escape had been aided by tv has-been, Simon Yeti, (age-unknown). Dr Felix Pyre, (52) who along with Police had been trying to get back his charge is known to have died in the fire. Traces of clothes identified as belonging to Miss Nicks have been found in the blaze, but no body - and the only sign of Mr Yeti are the charred remains of his Equity Card. Police fear that both he and Miss Nicks perished in the fire but may have been vapourised due to the extreme heat.

One former showbiz colleague of Simon's Desmond The Silurian was quoted as saying, "I suppose he must have had a breakdown... I saw him on the National Lottery Show back in April and all he would talk about was a copy of Bucks Fizz's Greatest Hits he had bought from Oxfam the previous day! He really was losing it, I'm afraid - and to have involved himself in such a hair-brained scheme - it seems such a sad end to a furry career... He was a very generous professional in his prime - although he never quite came to terms with the fact that a lot of his career had been wiped by the BBC... I do sincerely hope that he has survived the blaze and that this isn't the end of an era..."

Mr Yeti's manager, Shy spoke only briefly on the matter, stating, "It is a sad day for all of us... But the Police will soon uncover the truth... If there is any chance that he escaped the blaze I am afraid we are not aware of it... Yet - even so - it is possible something good has come from all this... I have proof which I am passing to the correct authority which will prove the nefarious plotting of the late Dr Pyre..."


Police investigations continue.

MORE NEWS AS WE HEAR IT, READERS - AS YET WE HAVE NOTHING REASSURING TO ADD...

PLEASE SEND IN ANY MESSAGES OR ANECDOTES RELATING TO SIMON YETI - ANY CONTRIBUTIONS WILL BE POSTED ON THURSDAY.

SIMON YETI IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE MANAGED BY SHY YETI MANAGEMENT, COPYRIGHT BEECHES 2003.

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